3 Musketeers [Import]

This film by low-budget direct-to-dvd house The Asylum is a mixed bag of silly, comic book action, uneven visual effects and even more uneven acting. The end result is ultimately a fun, if not altogether satisfying, time waster.

It's not a straight mockbuster of any "Three Musketeers" movie in Asylum's usual "Transmorphers" kind of way. Except for the title and some character names from the Dumas novel, the movie better resembles a "Charlie's Angels" film, as its plot centers around a team of action heroes attempting to stop a conspiracy to incite World War III.

The team code-named "Musketeers" consists of, predictably, spies whose own code names are Athos, Porthos and Aramis. They're joined later by an exotic-looking female spy named D'Artagnan who claims to be a direct descendant of the real one. Their enemy: A guy code-named "The Cardinal" (natch) who for reasons unclear wants to start a global war by killing the president.

The actors in the Musketeer roles are not too bad and actually appear to be having some fun, which is rare for The Asylum. Arguably the two sorest points in most Asylum productions is that their preposterous, low-budget movies are presented dead seriously, and that their has-been actors like Greg Evigan seem mortified to be appearing in them. Here it's Danny Glover, looking old and embarrassed for the 5 minutes or so he's in it.

Martial artist XIN is so charismatic as Athos you'll hope to see him in a better kung fu movie, lovely Michele Boyd as Aramis is reminiscent of Meg Ryan circa "Innerspace," Keith Allan channels Jeff Goldblum as brainy Porthos who spouts '80s pop culture references like "The light is green, the trap is clean," and Heather Hemmens (of the CW's "Hellcats") actually makes you believe a Costa Rican hottie could be the direct descendant of a 17th Century French guard.

But again, as with most Asylum movies, other cast members are so bad you'll wonder who on the production team they must be related to/have paid off/had sexual relations with to land their roles. "L.A. Law" alum Alan Rachins is so flat-out awful as the Cardinal he comes off as someone's old college acting teacher given the part as a favor. He pulls down every scene he's in so badly the movie actually appears to freeze-frame every time he comes on screen. Where's Barry Bostwick when you need him?

Digital effects by Tiny Juggernaut are typically bargain basement, but not so much that they ruin the show. This is, after all, comic book melodrama, so it's OK by me if the jet planes and rockets look a little cartoony.

It's mindless fun that's worth a look on Netflix or maybe picked up used for a couple of bucks. Paying any more for it would be a bigger crime than World War III.

The film starts out with some fairly good Asylum graphics, sound track, and Michele Boyd running around in her red bra and panties. I was wondering how Asylum could mess up a grindhouse movie. The suspense didn't last long. Porthos was horrifically, if not MST comically portrayed by Keith Allen attempting to imitate Jeff Goldblum. Unlike Ronald Reagan, Porthos is able to recall missiles after they are launched and has a magical Asylum notebook that can see anything in the sky. Of course the whole idea that a North Korean missile can launch straight and hit its target enters into the realm of fantasy that even Disney dare not go.

Heather Hemmens plays Agent D'Artangan who is a low level Pentagon employee who speaks Arabic and Chinese while being an Olympic fencer (I wonder how that will play in) and descends from the "real" Musketeers. She obtains her first field assignment and gets Steven Williams, the only decent actor in this film, killed just after he explains the plot. I find myself howling at what are supposed to be tense dramatic moments. For instance, if you say "The Cardinal" around Agent D'Artangan, she goes off like saying "Niagara Falls" in a Three Stooges episode. She also believes you can locate anyone on the planet from their junk mail because those people know how to find you.

Bad acting, bad plot, bad special effects.

Parental Guide: No f-bombs, sex, or nudity.

I bought this when I was collecting "3 Musketeer" movies. I knew it wouldn't be the original story. Or really even close. But I had hoped that they wouldn't have violated the name a classic story like this.

I'm all about artistic license. I'm all about suspension of disbelief with entertainment. I can support doing something entertainingly humorous and different with an idea we all know. None of that helped me get past the horrific dialog, story line and... well... just EVERYTHING about this movie. They $5 didn't even cast a shadow on how ripped off I felt wasting 1.5 hours of my life watching this travesty of "entertainment".