[The ABC's of Love and Sex - Australia Style! - (1977) - directed by John Lamond - 85 min.] Having suffered through 'Australia After Dark' (like all other 'Mondo' films, a complete waste of time, even by mondo standards) as well as 'Felicity' (a rip-off of the 'Emmanuelle' franchise, except the Aussies lowered the bar by lowering the female protagonist's age to that of a minor, something I find particularly creepy), I got suckered into watching this drivel unaware that it was by the same director. Sometimes, I'm a schmuck when it comes to exploitation; this being one of those times. Hopefully, after reading this, you won't make the same error...
Ignore all the product details listed here for this downright insulting vacuum of vapid viewing. There's no point in being polite or PC about this, as I really want you to be as painfully aware as I am at just how awful this is - it's like 'Sesame Street' for the sexually challenged, or possibly 'Conjunction Junction' for those who can't function. Dr. Seuss for the dimwitted, or Masters and Johnson for the morosely maladjusted. Or more bluntly, raunch for retards. The entire film is centered on going through the alphabet with noise like "A is for anatomy", "B is for birth", "C is for contraception", and giving us a dry lecture in a condescending fashion about the lettered topic. It was excruciating, and half-way through, I muted the sound to save enamel from being further ground off my molars. When we got to "G is for genitals", "H is for homo", I had enough of the narration in spite of the nudity, which, though abundant, was about as stimulating as a morphine drip, and when it reached the letter K, I was certain it stood for "Kill me now".
I possess a high tolerance for the absurd and atrocious when it comes to exploitation flicks, but this was heinous, a new lower rung on the ladder of the impossible to endure. Even though there were a few scenes of full-fledged penetration, it was rendered sterile and impotent by the ridiculous narration. With lines like, "Remember, a good bout of masochism is hard to beat", I knew I was in a sewer the likes of which I had never seen before, and pray will never again succumb to. It almost made me swear off exploitation flicks forever. Almost. But a long vacation was needed after this swill.
There is nothing redeemable, perverse or titillating here; it's one of those flicks best experienced while vacuuming in another room or undergoing oral surgery. After subjecting myself to one of the most pathetically outdated obscenities from the Outback, I can only assume that the ABC's must stand for
Avoid this flick like it was a police roadblock and you just came off a 12 hour Jaeger-bomb binge...