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After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful [Hardcover]

Janis Abrahms, Ph.D. Spring , Michael Spring
4.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (56 customer reviews)

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Book Description

April 3 1996
Stating that couples can survive infidelity, a strategic guide provides exercises that help readers overcome feelings of trauma and betrayal, understand why the infidelity occurred, alter destructive behaviors, and recommit to marriage. 40,000 first printing.

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Product Description

From Publishers Weekly

For married or cohabiting couples who want to rebuild their relationship after one partner had had an affair, this tough-minded, insightful manual will be eminently practical. Clinical psychologist Spring, writing with her husband, draws on 20 years of experience treating distressed couples as she explains how both the unfaithful partner and the betrayed one can confront their doubts and fears about recommitting, constructively communicate pain and anger, restore trust, renew sexual intimacy and forgive. In jargon-free prose, she urges both partners to probe the deeper meaning of the affair, to explore why it happened and to accept responsibility for it. Recognizing unstated assumptions held by oneself or one's mate is an integral part of this process, and the authors include exercises, concise case studies and checklists of suggestions to guide readers through the difficult task of healing. This wise book fills a gap on the self-help shelf. First serial to Cosmopolitan; available on audiocassette.
Copyright 1996 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From the Back Cover

After the Affair teaches partners how to heal themselves and grow from theshattering crisis of an infidelity. Drawing on thirty-five years as a clinicalpsychologist, Dr. Spring offers a series of original and proven strategies thataddress such questions as: * Why did it happen? * Once love and trust aregone, can we ever get them back? * Can I—should I—recommit when I feelso ambivalent? * How do we become sexually intimate again? * Is forgivenesspossible? * What constitutes an affair in cyberspace?

--This text refers to the Audio CD edition.

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Customer Reviews

Most helpful customer reviews
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
By Dr. J
Format:Paperback
Perfect for making the betrayer feel better -- see 5 star reviews are often from betrayers not the betrayed.
This is rough reading from the start. In the intro chapter, the author makes the statement that she doesn't classify affairs as bad or good. She then proceeds to formally state that both partners are responsible for the affair occuring. Not responsible for issues in the relationship, but directly responsible for the affair. For many this is pure baloney!!! She has very little compassion for the betrayed and it is clear even in the intro. If you are the betrayer, you will love this book. If you are the betrayed, this book may actually be traumatic to read. You will feel no empathy from Spring. She talks about people who are essentially describing how they feel they have been disemboweled and their guts are everywhere as 'normal' and again w/o empathy. She practically says, see those intestines, that is normal, now step over the mess and lets proceed with how they helped cause the betrayal.
I continued reading until I really couldn't take it anymore. I think it is written so callously it is scary. It is perfect for the betrayer who doesn't want to feel too bad. So if you are the spouse who did not cheat, tread cautiously, you may actually find yourself feeling really betrayed by Spring as well.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars My life and sanity saver after H's Affair April 25 2001
Format:Paperback
I can not tell you how very much this ONE book did for me. After reading it over and over again I found that I was not crazy or losing it. That is was all NORMAL reactions to having your life riped apart by an affair. I found that this helped me understand both MY feeling and reactions and MY H's actions towards me and the Other woman. IT upset my H so much that HE THREW MY BOOK AWAY. WELL i just bought another one and I will continue to read until my healingis complete. I am re-building my marriage but when the pain and anger return I pick this book up and read read read. Thank YOU so much for my life back....
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1 of 2 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars After the Affair Oct. 21 2003
Format:Paperback
I read "After the Affair" about three weeks after discovering my husband had been having an affair for a year. It was helpful for me, because I thought the feelings I was feeling were abnormal. I didn't care for the term the "lover". I don't view the other woman as that. The book did help me come to terms with my husband's behavior. I do wish it had more information about the "lover" as Dr.Springer referred to them. (personality type)etc. I would recommend it. It is soft reading at a time that you may feel angry!!!
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1 of 2 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Odd mix of good info, illogic, and ignorance March 21 2002
By A Customer
Format:Paperback
This book has some nice bits and pieces, mostly when it reports what patients have said. The interpretive framework, and much of the attendant advice, is shockingly illogical and worse.
Dr. Spring says, "I don't make blanket judgments about whether affairs are, in themselves, good or bad. What may be enhancing for one of you may devastate the other, and destroy the relationship." That's emblematic of the reasoning in this book: By definition, seeking one's own welfare at the expense of another, violating contracts and promises out of self-seeking, is wrong. That's not even a close call: It is THE bright-line, paradigm, primary-level case of wrong behavior, and has been for a few thousand years of ethical reflection and teaching. Dr. Spring somehow infers from the DEFINITION of immoral behavior a reason NOT to judge? That says a lot about the knowledge of ethics and moral psychology contained in this book.
And the dogma that the betrayed of necessity contributes to the affair? Let's face facts: No one can make you drop your pants, or make you decide that betraying your partner is an acceptable way to feel good, except yourself. Your partner can make you miserable, and you have lots of legitimate, honorable ways of confronting that. Your lack of honor, willingness to violate trusts and promises, egoism, willingness to lie--your partner cannot cause these.
Another fact: It simply is not necessarily the case that a person who has been betrayed caused the betraying partner any significant amount of pain. The betraying partner's pain, if any is involved, may come from other sources. Furthermore, the betraying partner may have been emotionally unwilling or unable to accept help from the spouse, whether from pride or some other personal limitation.
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4.0 out of 5 stars Learning to Let Go Oct. 31 2010
Format:Paperback
This book was recommended to me and my husband by our marriage therapist. I have never felt a self-help book would be useful. But the bottom line is, most of us don't know how to verbalize what we want to say, so we get it wrong. This book helps define feelings, suggests ways of bringing extreme hurt into a safe place for discussion, and also includes the "offender" in the process. This book helps...even if the offender doesn't want to participate in the process.
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3.0 out of 5 stars After the Affair Sept. 30 2009
By Sian
Format:Audio CD
This looked at the pros and cons for both partners after an affair. It is a balanced account of how to mend relationships or decide to let go. I found it was reasonable but a bit too repetitive as details were examined from both sides.
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4.0 out of 5 stars My review of After . . . March 1 2005
Format:Paperback
AFTER THE AFFAIR is a must read if you are struggling in the aftermath of an affair. It provides such a great insight on why things happen and really challenges to explore your heart and feelings. Another great thing about it is that it does not place outright blame on one party or another, looks at both spouses perspectives of the situation and gives the necessary tools to start rebuilding. Things that other people, family, therapists, etc. may have told you a hundred times but never really made sense become clear with reading this book. It has helped me very much so far and my friends are now reading it as well. Other books I recently read and enjoyed were: THE LOVELY BONES, LUCKY, and THE CHILDREN'S CORNER by Jackson McCrae.
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Most recent customer reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars How to Heal and Restore Your Relationship After Infidelity
This is one FANTASTIC book to help each partner in the relationship take full responsibility for their part in the relationship breakdown that led to infidelity, and shows exactly... Read more
Published on April 13 2004 by Barbara Rose
1.0 out of 5 stars Psychologically horrifying
What Dr. Spring describes as "normal" is traumatic stress. And as a matter of hard, cold fact, a substantial proportion of victims of infidelity continue to suffer PTSD... Read more
Published on Jan. 25 2004
5.0 out of 5 stars Help Yourself - Read this Book!
This should be the first book you read after you find out about the affair. You will find out that what you feel is normal, you're not going crazy, you're not the only one, and... Read more
Published on Dec 25 2003
5.0 out of 5 stars Mental saviour for the wounded
Our therapist recommended this book. It has been a life saver. The feelings I was experiencing were put into words so perfectly. Read more
Published on Oct. 27 2003 by "mayflye"
1.0 out of 5 stars Didin't fit the profile
After continuously skipping threw the book, I came to page 111 and realized this book was not for me. Read more
Published on June 17 2003
4.0 out of 5 stars Got to get it
Very good, easy to read. Really a great help to get back on your feet.
Published on June 13 2003
5.0 out of 5 stars Title says it all
This book was recommended to my husband and I, by a marraige counselor after I found out about his affair. Read more
Published on May 28 2003
4.0 out of 5 stars Great book even 9 months later
Even 9 months after learning of my husband's string of affairs - long term and one night stands - this book was a huge help for me. Read more
Published on April 21 2003 by SAC in the Carolinas
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