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After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful [Hardcover]

Janis Abrahms, Ph.D. Spring , Michael Spring
4.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (56 customer reviews)

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Book Description

April 3 1996
Stating that couples can survive infidelity, a strategic guide provides exercises that help readers overcome feelings of trauma and betrayal, understand why the infidelity occurred, alter destructive behaviors, and recommit to marriage. 40,000 first printing.

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Product Details

Product Description

From Publishers Weekly

For married or cohabiting couples who want to rebuild their relationship after one partner had had an affair, this tough-minded, insightful manual will be eminently practical. Clinical psychologist Spring, writing with her husband, draws on 20 years of experience treating distressed couples as she explains how both the unfaithful partner and the betrayed one can confront their doubts and fears about recommitting, constructively communicate pain and anger, restore trust, renew sexual intimacy and forgive. In jargon-free prose, she urges both partners to probe the deeper meaning of the affair, to explore why it happened and to accept responsibility for it. Recognizing unstated assumptions held by oneself or one's mate is an integral part of this process, and the authors include exercises, concise case studies and checklists of suggestions to guide readers through the difficult task of healing. This wise book fills a gap on the self-help shelf. First serial to Cosmopolitan; available on audiocassette.
Copyright 1996 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From the Back Cover

After the Affair teaches partners how to heal themselves and grow from theshattering crisis of an infidelity. Drawing on thirty-five years as a clinicalpsychologist, Dr. Spring offers a series of original and proven strategies thataddress such questions as: * Why did it happen? * Once love and trust aregone, can we ever get them back? * Can I—should I—recommit when I feelso ambivalent? * How do we become sexually intimate again? * Is forgivenesspossible? * What constitutes an affair in cyberspace?

--This text refers to the Audio CD edition.

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Customer Reviews

Most helpful customer reviews
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
By Dr. J
Perfect for making the betrayer feel better -- see 5 star reviews are often from betrayers not the betrayed.
This is rough reading from the start. In the intro chapter, the author makes the statement that she doesn't classify affairs as bad or good. She then proceeds to formally state that both partners are responsible for the affair occuring. Not responsible for issues in the relationship, but directly responsible for the affair. For many this is pure baloney!!! She has very little compassion for the betrayed and it is clear even in the intro. If you are the betrayer, you will love this book. If you are the betrayed, this book may actually be traumatic to read. You will feel no empathy from Spring. She talks about people who are essentially describing how they feel they have been disemboweled and their guts are everywhere as 'normal' and again w/o empathy. She practically says, see those intestines, that is normal, now step over the mess and lets proceed with how they helped cause the betrayal.
I continued reading until I really couldn't take it anymore. I think it is written so callously it is scary. It is perfect for the betrayer who doesn't want to feel too bad. So if you are the spouse who did not cheat, tread cautiously, you may actually find yourself feeling really betrayed by Spring as well.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars My life and sanity saver after H's Affair April 25 2001
I can not tell you how very much this ONE book did for me. After reading it over and over again I found that I was not crazy or losing it. That is was all NORMAL reactions to having your life riped apart by an affair. I found that this helped me understand both MY feeling and reactions and MY H's actions towards me and the Other woman. IT upset my H so much that HE THREW MY BOOK AWAY. WELL i just bought another one and I will continue to read until my healingis complete. I am re-building my marriage but when the pain and anger return I pick this book up and read read read. Thank YOU so much for my life back....
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This is one FANTASTIC book to help each partner in the relationship take full responsibility for their part in the relationship breakdown that led to infidelity, and shows exactly what you can do to restore trust, intimacy, and a renewed sense of wholeness as well as a renewed commitment to continue with the one you love.
This wonderful book clearly shows how EACH partner reacts, and how those reactions feel, and it is a vital resource for both partners to read in order to heal, and move forward together in a healthy, positive manner. It is also important to remember that trust is built again over time, and through many small experiences.
You will learn how to stop negative reactions, and how to communicate with authenticity from the heart, rather than blame. This book is a MUST READ for anyone who is with someone that has been through the guilt, pain, and trauma of an affair, and how re-build again. Highly Recommended! Barbara Rose, author of, 'Individual Power' and 'If God Was Like Man'
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5.0 out of 5 stars Help Yourself - Read this Book! Dec 25 2003
By A Customer
This should be the first book you read after you find out about the affair. You will find out that what you feel is normal, you're not going crazy, you're not the only one, and there's hope for you. The author does this in a straightforward, balanced way, with no mention of religion or spirituality (important for more secular readers).
This book is divided into 3 parts. 1 - Reacting to the Affair(Is What I'm Feeling Normal?), 2- Reviewing Your Options (Should I Stay or Leave?), and 3-Recovering from the Affair(How do We Rebuild our Life Together?)
The books shows the point of view of BOTH spouses. This is a great way to gain insight into your partner's feelings and actions. It's especially valuable if BOTH of you have had an affair.
If you decide to try to rebuild, "Not 'Just Friends'" is a great book about creating solidarity in a marriage, and "Fighting for your Marriage" has specific, concrete steps to take with plenty of examples. Great book on communication.
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4.0 out of 5 stars Great book even 9 months later April 21 2003
Even 9 months after learning of my husband's string of affairs - long term and one night stands - this book was a huge help for me. Our counselor was treating my husband for sexual addiction but not treating the severe depression I was slipping into. The book opened my eyes to some of the issues he was dealing with and put words to many of my deep feelings. Bottom line I realized the feelings I were having were normal and I wasn't out there alone! The book gave me hope. We are trying to rebuild our marriage - I was 10 days away from giving birth to our second son when I confronted his affairs. This book made me realize I wasn't a push over for wanting to try and build a family - that there was hope and there were steps to help us try. I am trying to find a counselor who can work with us in the same techniques found in the book. You'll see once you read the book - high cost and low cost actions - my one and only high cost for my husband - read the book! It would help him see what I am going through also and bring up some subjects that are hard to find a way to put into words. Not the one and only answer - it won't help you forget - but it will give you a starting point.
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3.0 out of 5 stars Good to read immediately after discovery Oct. 27 2002
If you have recently discovered your spouse's affair, or if you suspect your spouse is having an affair, this is a good book to read. It does not attack either party's position, but explains the emotions both the betrayed spouse and the wayward spouse are going through. When I discovered my husband's affair, I did not know anyone who had gone through this and survived, so I felt very alone. After reading the book, I was relieved to find that my thoughts and feelings were very normal. Unfortunately, so was his behavior! That was the hardest part to take, but it was very necessary for me to understand his side as well.
What I did not like about this book was that it left things open-ended for me. It didn't really seem to get past the "Do I stay or do I go?" stage. Obviously, if I left it would mean starting over. There was a brief section about rebuilding trust, but it really didn't give me enough information about moving on WITH my husband.
This book is really for "beginners" in life after an affair. I would follow it up with "Surviving an Affair" by Drs. Harley and Chalmers. If you are already past the discovery stage, I would skip "After the Affair" altogether. I don't think you would find anything you don't already know.
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Most recent customer reviews
4.0 out of 5 stars Learning to Let Go
This book was recommended to me and my husband by our marriage therapist. I have never felt a self-help book would be useful. Read more
Published on Oct. 31 2010 by Marilee Collomb
3.0 out of 5 stars After the Affair
This looked at the pros and cons for both partners after an affair. It is a balanced account of how to mend relationships or decide to let go. Read more
Published on Sept. 30 2009 by Sian
4.0 out of 5 stars My review of After . . .
AFTER THE AFFAIR is a must read if you are struggling in the aftermath of an affair. It provides such a great insight on why things happen and really challenges to explore your... Read more
Published on March 1 2005 by ThomsEBynum
1.0 out of 5 stars Psychologically horrifying
What Dr. Spring describes as "normal" is traumatic stress. And as a matter of hard, cold fact, a substantial proportion of victims of infidelity continue to suffer PTSD... Read more
Published on Jan. 25 2004
5.0 out of 5 stars Mental saviour for the wounded
Our therapist recommended this book. It has been a life saver. The feelings I was experiencing were put into words so perfectly. Read more
Published on Oct. 26 2003 by "mayflye"
4.0 out of 5 stars After the Affair
I read "After the Affair" about three weeks after discovering my husband had been having an affair for a year. Read more
Published on Oct. 21 2003 by CaSandra Knight
1.0 out of 5 stars Didin't fit the profile
After continuously skipping threw the book, I came to page 111 and realized this book was not for me. Read more
Published on June 16 2003
4.0 out of 5 stars Got to get it
Very good, easy to read. Really a great help to get back on your feet.
Published on June 13 2003
5.0 out of 5 stars Title says it all
This book was recommended to my husband and I, by a marraige counselor after I found out about his affair. Read more
Published on May 28 2003
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