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Allies In Healing [Hardcover]

Laura Davis
3.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (22 customer reviews)

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Book Description

Aug. 2 1991
"But what about me?"
"Is it possible to go one day without dealing with the survivor's issues?"
"Will we ever make love again?"
"Will the survivor love me in the end?"
"How do I know if I should throw in the towel?"
Based on in-depth interviews and her workshops for partners across the country, Laura Davis offers practical advice and encouragement to all partners -- girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, and lovers -- trying to support the survivors in their lives while tending to their own needs along the way. She shows couples how to deepen compassion, improve communication, and develop an understanding of healing as a shared activity. Addressing partners' most important questions, Allies in Healing covers:
  • The Basics -- answers common questions about sexual abuse.
  • Allies in Healing -- introduces key concepts of working and growing together.
  • My Needs and Feelings -- teaches partners to recognize, value, and express their own needs.
  • Dealing with Crisis -- includes strategies for handling suicidal feelings, regression, and hopelessness.
  • Intimacy and Communication --offers practical advice on dealing with distancing, control, trust, and fighting.
  • Sex -- provides guidelines for coping with flashbacks, lack of desire, differences in sexual needs, and frustration.
  • Family lssues -- suggests a range of ideas for interacting with the survivor's family.
  • Partners' Stories --explores the struggles, triumphs, and courage of eight partners.
  • --This text refers to the Paperback edition.


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    Review

    "Partners can now feel supported and guided in their quest for healing--for themselves and for those they love and cherish." -- --Dan Sexton, Childhelp, U.S.A --This text refers to the Paperback edition.

    About the Author

    Laura Davis is a nationally recognized expert on healing from child sexual abuse. She is the co-author of The Courage to Heal, Beginning to Heal, and Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, as well as the author of Allies in Healing. She lives in Santa Cruz, CA.

    --This text refers to the Paperback edition.

    Inside This Book (Learn More)
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    First Sentence
    In the last fifteen years, the sexual abuse of children has become an acknowledged social and political problem. Read the first page
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    Front Cover | Copyright | Table of Contents | Excerpt | Index | Back Cover
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    Customer Reviews

    Most helpful customer reviews
    2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
    5.0 out of 5 stars Supporters Find Answers in Allies in Healing June 24 1997
    By A Customer
    Format:Paperback
    If The Courage To Heal is the sine qua non for survivors of child sexual abuse, Allies in Healing is required reading for partners and loved ones of survivors and victims.

    Written in straightforward question and answer format by one of the authors of the best-selling Courage To Heal, Allies in Healing covers topics ranging from dealing with emotions (your own included) to confronting the perpetrator to sexuality.

    Allies In Healing also includes the personal stories of a few partners of survivors. Written frankly, the book admits that not all relationships with survivors are destined for success, but also speaks of the incredible benefits of such a relationship.

    For anyone who is a loved one or partner of a survivor should turn to this book first- it is the companion to Courage To Heal and will provide many answers to some of the most pressing questions.
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    1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
    By A Customer
    Format:Paperback
    Allies in Healing is an excellent resouce for information. It filled a void when desparately needed. However in the book, I also found the role of "partner" was idealized and that the reality of dealing with a survivor in a relationship was much worse than anticipated. Trust, the essential ingredient for a loving-giving relationship, is continually questioned, continually under attack. Because it is "safe", anger, rage, even vengeful acts, triggered by earlier abuse, are vented on the partner. Unless great care is taken, a slippery slope of acceptance of the intolerable is initiated by the partner which will eventually doom the relationship. Laura Davis, in a future edition, could be more explicit as to how the "partner" can better protect themselves and thus give the relationship a better chance of surviving. There are hard to find groups for "partner's" which I found invaluable.
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    1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
    1.0 out of 5 stars depressing and hopeless Dec 1 1999
    Format:Paperback
    The chapter on sexual relations says in so many words,"you'll learn to live without". It advocates giving the survior a "healing vacation from sex", but never says that things get better. All the "case historys" are of people still celibate. Thanks but no thanks, in my time of darkest despair, could they hold out just a little ray of hope? If surviors can never have a sex life, tell me now.
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    By Brie
    Format:Paperback
    As a survivor of child sexual abuse, I am grateful that Laura Davis complied all the information from her workshops for partners into this book. It should be required reading for anyone in a relationship with a survivor. There are so few resources for partners and the survivor can't explain it all. Healing is a two person job when you're in a relationship.
    The question and answer format makes it very user friendly. Read it cover to cover, or just pick it up when you feel puzzled.
    As the author suggests, I read it first and found that it gave me words to explain some topics that I thought I'd never be able to express. Sharing this book with my fiance was not easy. But it drew us closer together and opened the door for wonderfully insightful discussion. It also gave me insight into what it is like for someone in a relationship with me. I learned to be more patient and compassionate. Understanding the after effects of childhood molestation are not simple or easy, not just for me, but also for my partner.
    I love that Davis very forthrightly says that while not every relationship will thrive, there are wonderful benefits to being with a survivor. The partner is encouraged NOT to rescue or "fix" but rather to respect and grow with the survivor, perhaps even getting more in touch with their own wounded inner child and most importantly to get support for themselves.
    For anyone who is an ally of a survivor, this should be in your collection for sure! I turn to it again and again just as I do my now ragged copy of The Courage to Heal. It is not for the timid however. One should be serious about their relationship before sharing this book.
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    4.0 out of 5 stars An eye opener, both for me and partner. June 29 1999
    By A Customer
    Format:Paperback
    A very useful book, but it also emphasizes/idealizes the fact that these are one sided relationships, and that you are involved with a person who has an enormous difficulty becoming close with or identifying with others. It provided me with the clarity to see that at least the relationship I was in was not working, and that my partner would never realize my sacrifices in the name of "our" life, nor be in a position to reciprocate until she could trust me. The diservice this book does to the partner is it seems to downplay the frustration and rage that partners clearly expressed. This is an *extremely* difficult relationship to both be in and walk away from, and the author does not seem to address the anguish of the partner, only how the partner can stuff his/her feelings in the interest of helping the recovering partner get along. One fulfilled partner does not a relationship make, and a 5 year payoff is not guaranteed.
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    2.0 out of 5 stars No "Support" for the Partner Nov. 17 2000
    By A Customer
    Format:Paperback
    This book was recommended by our marriage counselor, along with Courage to Heal. While it contains lots of useful information, it is basically a rehash of Courage, and there's little point in a partner reading both books. The author is a survivor, and the tone of this book reflects it. For example, in writing of her partner's departure, she alludes to her growth, sense of loss, etc. following the separation, but says little of her partner's thinking, feelings or experience. She also fails to properly prepare partners for the misdirected anger and other hurtful behavior.
    A partner would be much better served by Ken Graber's Ghosts in the Bedroom, followed by a reading of Courage to Heal (if only to learn what the survivor is probably being told). Incidentally, Graber's book is listed in the back of Allies in Healing, but the description hardly does the book justice.
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    Most recent customer reviews
    4.0 out of 5 stars Allies in Healing
    This was an informative book to read with good information
    Published 18 days ago by N.
    4.0 out of 5 stars An allie and a survivor
    I am a survior who is also an ally in healing. This book is quite good in helping you to help others. It is written by one of the authors of Courage in Healing. Read more
    Published on Dec 20 2001 by Michaela Klein
    5.0 out of 5 stars Get this book for your spouse NOW :)
    I'm a sibling incest survivor, and this book really helped my husband understand what I went through. I'd highly recommend it to the partner of anyone who was sexually abused.
    Published on Nov. 27 2001 by "spdrwoman"
    1.0 out of 5 stars Hyprocrisy in Action
    Having been a survivor of childhood sexual abuse I'm sure that the author is well versed in how it feels to be abused. Read more
    Published on April 20 2001
    3.0 out of 5 stars Helpful but
    This book has a pro-survivor slant. Don't expect great sympathy or support for your desire to be sexually active with your partner, or to hear how your partner is responsible for... Read more
    Published on March 14 2001 by J. Morris
    3.0 out of 5 stars It's got a good beat and you can dance to it but......
    This book was suggested to me by my husband's counselor. The format is easy to read, no plowing through chapter by chapter. Remember though, this was written by a survivor. Read more
    Published on Dec 12 2000
    5.0 out of 5 stars A must read..
    When your lovers past is so upseting that you are to the point of loosing it. Or dealing with what happend is killing both of you and your relationship. Read more
    Published on Sept. 29 2000 by "_billy_"
    1.0 out of 5 stars More drivel
    I am very familar with the work of Ms. Davis and her counter part, Ms. Bass. Collectively they have done significant damage to the field of trauma treatment with their... Read more
    Published on May 31 2000
    5.0 out of 5 stars It's such a relief
    I've only had the book a few days and already it's answered soooo many questions for me. I'm a partner of an abuse survivor, it came as quite a shock to me. Read more
    Published on Feb. 29 2000 by "Chell B"
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