Okay, I admit it. I love bad movies. I mean train-wreck bad. I mean train-wreck-crashing-through-a-kindergarten-class-of-orphans bad. After many years of Mystery Science Theater 3000 fandom, I've simply developed a taste for cinematic ineptitude. It's a real hoot.
But sadly, despite the promisingly silly title, Blood Monkey was a big let down. Was it bad? Well, duh! It's called Blood Monkey, for godsakes! Of course it's bad! What did you expect? But was it fun-bad? Sadly, no. It wasn't a spectacular disaster in the way I was hoping. It was merely lame.
To the filmmakers' credit, things could have been A LOT worse. I've seen MUCH worse from the good folks over on the Sci-Fi Channel. (S.S. Doomtrooper, anyone? Sweet Lord a'mighty, THAT one will leave a mark!)
Clearly this movie was shot for about eleven dollars (ten of which, I'm sure went straight into the pocket of the perpetually slumming Mr. Abraham), but surprisingly the location work is actually pretty good. Unlike most movies of this ilk, this wasn't shot in some abandoned warehouse in Bulgaria. The rainforest locations used here are actually pretty stunning.
The acting, on the other hand ... well, it's about as godawful as you'd expect. Made all the worse because Abraham actually seems to be putting a little effort into it. Not that he's going to win any awards, but his baseline competence makes the amateur-porn-level "performances" of the kids stand out in even starker relief.
And yes, for a movie entitled "Blood Monkey," there's precious little actual monkey in it. Mercifully, we only get about 12 frames of terrible CG gorilla in the closing nanoseconds of the film. Which, in many ways, is smart, I suppose. If all you've got is an awful CG gorilla, it's best not to show it very much. However, if you're like me, the more bad CG gorilla they show, the funnier the movie could be. So, for me, I definitely mourned the lack of monkey.
The upshot is, if you're in the market for a good, scary movie ... then what the hell are you doing on the Blood Monkey page!? You should know better! Have you no sense at all, man?
But if you're looking for an unintentionally hilarious campy movie that you can roundly mock with your friends ... well, this isn't it either. It's too incompetent to be good ... but it's too competent to be fun.
Although there is one unintentionally hilarious scene where a troop of unseen Blood Monkeys in the canopy rain urine down upon the campsite of our hapless heroes below. Clearly they must have access to tanker trucks full of Mountain Dew in the middle of the rainforest because the fire-hose-like strength and volume of the Blood Monkey urinary stream is quite something to behold!
Though, sadly, one scene of researchers being peed on by murderous, blood-thirsty gorillas is just not enough for me to recommend this film.