Uwe Boll is an inspiration to hopeful filmmakers everywhere. He proves that no matter how talentless you are, studios will still give you money.
Well, how do you explain a movie like "BloodRayne" otherwise? The infamous Boll's new film is yet another example of cinematic ineptitude, with bad acting from B-list stars, an atrocious script, and a plot that is actually thinner than the original video game. Someone put this movie out of its misery.
Rayne (Kristanna Loken) is a dhampir -- half human, half vampire, the result of a vampire raping a human. Escaping from a life as a sideshow freak, she decides to go kill her daddy Kagan (Sir Ben Kingsley). And Kagan is trying to grab the magical body parts of an ancient vampire, which will make him invincible.
Since Rayne is a good bloodsucker (animals and bad guys) she happily joins a band of vampire-haters, the Brimstone Society. Vladimir (Michael Madson), Sebastian (Matt Davis) and Katarin (Michelle Rodriegez) join forces with Rayne. But to stop Kagan, they will have to deal with his vicious vampire hordes.
If "Buffy" had ripped off "Blade" and "Lord of the Rings," then the result might have been something like "BloodRayne." Yes, the film is that unoriginal -- Uwe Boll tears off chunks of hit movies, and splatters them together into a movie of his own. But it cannot hide this simple fact: Boll has the skills of a mentally backward Yorkie.
Well, Boll is trying hard. He really, really tries hard to make this a thrilling, stunning adventure. But the entire movie is strangled in his ineptitude -- the action is Monty Pythonesque at best, with silly wrangling and geysers of blood. Lots of dismemberment. Funny sex against the jail bars. It's all almost campy, but somehow it's too inane to be.
And the cast is the worst. To put it simply, most of the actors seem like escapees from a vampire porn movie, wearing grimy costumes and bad wigs. You know a movie is in trouble when Romanian prostitutes -- real prostitutes -- are more impressive thespians than the lead actress. And if this is medieval Romania, how come everyone is naked?
Kristanna Loken proves why she has had no major roles besides a robot, and Michelle Rodriegez plays the Antisocial Bad Girl again. And the two good actors, Ben Kingsley and Michael Madson, are left to wallow in the cinematic gook. I felt genuinely sorry for these two guys, since they will probably be fielding the question "Why did you do BloodRayne?" for the next twenty years.
This version includes "Bloodrayne 2," but it's not clear why -- the movie and the second video game have virtually nothing to do with one another.
At any video store, you'll find dozens of movies of this caliber -- straight to video, with F-list actors. And "BloodRayne" proves again that somebody needs to go to Germany, and confiscate Boll's camera before he starts another atrocity.