Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents [Paperback]

This is the most evil, damaging "self-help" book I have ever read.

The author does not understand the nature of narcissistic personality disorder, or she would not say things like "they did the best they could under the circumstances", referring to NPD parents, and she would not try to teach adult children of narcs to maintain a relationship with them by practicing the very behaviours and traits that abused people often become programmed with! (Go numb, blank face, hear the words but don't feel the feelings, pretend to give in and agree with your accuser. OMG!)

The author also has the nerve, and the ignorance, to state that you must get an outside observer to concur with your assessment of the (suspected) narcissistic parent's behaviour, otherwise you need to look at your own behaviour to see if your parent's assessment of YOU was right. As though victims of people with personality disorders haven't been gaslighted enough! A narcissist seems one way to the world at large, but is completely another to those who are close enough to see that there is something wrong and get a glimpse of the real, raging person inside. Any layperson who has looked into NPD knows that!

This book is just dangerous, if you ask me. The author clearly hasn't dealt with NPD terribly often, or she would never tell the children of narcissists to get outside observers to confirm. Narcissists are very adept at hiding their true characters from the outside world. Plus, children of narcissists have been told all their lives to mistrust their own feelings and instincts. If they're angry or hurt by something the parent(s) did, it's the child's fault obviously, as the parents are perfect. For an author who claims to want to help those children, validating the assertion that maybe it's NOT the parent is, at best, unhelpful and at worst, dangerous.

Also, the author recommends talking to siblings about the parent(s). As a layperson, even I am aware of the concept of Scapegoats v. Golden Children. Dr. Brown never even mentions this possibility. So if a Scapegoat and Golden Child are asked about the same parent, they're going to give very different answers which might lead the Scapegoat to believe s/he really IS oversensitive, imagining things, etc.

A much better book, even though it doesn't cover parents with NPD specifically, is Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. It's a far better read, and the advice contained therein doesn't encourage victims of abuse to just keep taking that abuse.

I agree with the many negative reviews on this book. When I first read the reviews for this book there were only a few and they were very positive, which made me very confused when I began reading. At first it seemed to be a very promising books, however when I got to the sections that finally started offering advice as to how to cope. I was shocked. Many of these were typical coping mechanisms I used as a child, which may have been an extremely temporary fix but not at all empowering. The author recommends "fasing out" and creating a temporary dissociation during the stressful situation. I'm in medical school and though I have only been taught a limited amount of psychology, encouraging dissociation is not okay. Don't give direct eye contact during a verbal attack? Face slightly away from the attacker? Are we dealing with a parent or a wild animal? There is no hint of holding a narcissistic individual accountable for their own actions. Assert yourself at your own peril. In fact, instead of standing up for yourself, take comfort in the fact that you'll have a much better life than them. No thank you.

What's more, it seemed that half this book implies that you are just as narcissistic as your parent, so we better fix that. It seems to encourage you to be like Gandhi or Mother Theresa instead of allowing you the "healthy adult narcissism" it will claim to give you. Go do altruistic things, but real altruistic acts. If you want a thank you, you're wrong. If you want outside validation ever, you're wrong. When are we allowed to be human beings?

This book lacks true self-esteem building and a healthy, assertive attitude. I highly recommend the Out of the FOG website, a trusting environment in which people can read about real empowerment and how to set real boundaries with parents. They have a great support forum where people can go to seek validation and advice from people who have been through the same experiences. The individuals you are dealing with may have a real mental illness that will forever be an inherent part of themselves, but absolutely no one is allowed to push you around.