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- Published on Amazon.com
You gotta love the 1980s! I pity the youngsters born after the Age of Reagan. Why? Because they will sit down in front of the television set, watch a cheese filled flick like David DeCoteau's "Creepozoids," and despise it intensely without every understanding the context that allowed such a monstrosity to see the light of day. You must understand the Gipper, MTV, and Member's Only jackets to get this flick. Actually, not really. None of those things have anything to do with "Creepozoids". There exist only two things you need to know about the 1980s in order to understand this movie: nose candy and the arrival of videocassette recordings. The former sufficiently dulled the senses of movie executives in such a manner that they thought dreck like this had a chance to make money. The latter actively encouraged the production of thousands of zero budget crudfests because the rise of video stores demanded shelves full of new product. Not necessarily GOOD product, mind you, but product that would empty the wallets of every yahoo with a membership card. And there you go. These two elements of the 1980s, working in concert, explain why a movie like "Creepozoids" got the green light.
The green light leaves us, the viewers, to pick up the assorted pieces in order to fashion a coherent narrative. Good luck on that coherency thing. "Creepozoids" is a mess of a film. It's also a moderately entertaining one if the viewer possesses a taste for especially tangy cheese. It all starts with our heroes, deserters from the army no less, seeking shelter in an underground facility. It's the year 1998, and World War III has turned the world into a smoking cinder plagued by periodic bouts of highly toxic acid rain. Our cast seeks shelter from one of these storms, although it's very likely they're also seeking refuge from their agents and publicists. Anyway, the group consists of two women, Bianca (Linnea Quigley) and Kate (Kim McKamy), and three men: Butch (Ken Abraham), Jesse (Michael Aranda), and Jake (Richard L. Hawkins). The horrors that await our heroes and heroines down in the depths! What lies in this refuge of last resort is so horrific, so terrible, and so incomprehensible beyond any human understanding that the trauma endured by actress Kim McKamy caused her to morph into adult film star Ashlyn Gere. It's that utterly catastrophic to the human soul!
Nah, it's not that bad unless you expected to see a quality picture. What our deserters discover in this dank cavern is a government weapons program gone horribly awry. That, and they also find some hilariously inept rat puppets. The group also finds a shower that will accommodate a topless Bianca, a storage room, a cheesy computer terminal, and some tunnels in which everyone can run around looking scared. And the creepozoid. What's that? Oh, not much. Some dude dressed up in a black rubber outfit whose primary mission involves dispatching the deserters in unpleasant ways. Think "Alien" and you're on the right track--except not nearly as frightening, creative, or realistic in any way, shape, or form. To save a few bucks, we don't see much blood. Instead, the creature and its offspring (!) cause their victims to spew a black substance that looks suspiciously like the 10W-30 I drained out of my car last week. Anyway, lots of running around and acting idiotic leads up to a denouement of a decidedly underwhelming nature as the sole survivor deals with the nasty monster. Was there ever any doubt of such a conclusion? Nope. Sadly, the movie seems to set itself up for a sequel.
I pretty much knew what I was getting myself into when I picked up this clunker. With a title like "Creepozoids," coupled with that laughable cover art on the DVD case, how could I claim otherwise? Let's run down the list of the film's main points, shall we? A director known for his association with schlockmeister Charles Band? Check. Scream queen Linnea Quigley in the middle of her nose candy years? Check. Linnea Quigley topless in the shower? Check. Ubercheesy monster that looks like a four year old made it out of pipe cleaners and playdoh? Check. A post-apocalyptic setting that actually looks like my basement tricked out with a few props picked up at the local hardware store? Check. A toilet paper script delivered with all the flair of a semi-comatose mental patient reading Finnegan's Wake? Check. I think there's enough in that list to convince you we're not watching "Citizen Kane" here. If you want to see "Citizen Kane," go rent it. Pick up "Creepozoids" if you're feeling cheap, cheesy, and sleazy. Pick it up if you're suffering from insomnia. Pick up my copy. Please. I'm begging you. Seriously, the reek wafting off of this film is starting to contaminate my other DVDs.
In all seriousness, however, Linnea Quigley fans will probably want to view the film. Those viewers afflicted with the need to watch endless mounds of bad science fiction (I plead guilty) will also want to give this one a watch. The movie does have a certain nostalgic charm for me since this is the stuff I grew up watching on cable television after a hard night of partying. I guess I ought to say something about the technical aspects of the disc. The picture and audio quality isn't great, but they aren't bad either. Both are adequate for this type of movie. As for supplements, don't expect grandiose commentaries or extensive behind the scenes features. In fact, the disc I viewed had zero extras. There might have been a trailer for the film thrown in, but I don't remember. I was too traumatized to care. So why am I going to give "Creepozoids" two stars instead of one? Because it's the type of film you can laugh at while sitting around with your buddies. That ought to count for something, don't you think?