6 of 8 people found the following review helpful
Joel S. Peters
- Published on Amazon.com
I was totally cracking up reading the other reviews of this movie, because they are all dead accurate--except, of course, for the guy on dope who gave it five stars. Just chalk that one up to his attempt at sarcasm, I suppose, because absolutely no one in their right mind would give this movie such a rating.
Seriously, this is hands-down the worst movie you will ever watch. I rented it on the basis of the cover graphics, which seemed kind of cool, and the brief description, which sounded harmless yet potentially intriguing enough. The cover art was literally the best part of the movie, even though the beast depicted there does not appear anywhere in the movie.
I have certainly turned off movies before--some after even as long as 45 minutes--because they were that boring, but this one I *had* to watch until the end because of how painfully bad it was, because it actually became comical to watch, and because I needed to know how this abomination was going to end. Here's what you can expect to see. Take note, there *are* spoilers ahead, but it really won't matter. There is absolutely nothing that can make this movie any worse than it is, and there just isn't anything of substance to genuinely ruin for you. You'll probably thank me for presenting the movie to you here free of charge rather than having you waste both your time and money renting/buying it and watching it. In no particular order, here's a baker's dozen of tidbits for you to enjoy:
(1) The battle scene at the beginning of the movie looks literally like the actors were standing in front of a big background painting or it was a really badly done green screen effect. It seemed like the same seven or eight guys just kept charging at each other back and forth across in front of the camera. The moves were totally not choreographed in any way, and the attacks were utterly unbelievable. Imagine giving a bunch of 8-year old boys some pretend swords and just letting them have at it.
(2) The principal characters are going to double cross their king/master for a cache of...silver. Not gold or jewels, mind you, but silver. And it's being stashed in a rusty, old *railroad tanker car* that sits far across the battlefield, and they can see it with their *binoculars.* The entire stash fits into a compartment in the train car that's about the size of a copy paper carton, so there can't be all that much silver there to begin with, and considering its value relative to gold, it's just not worth them risking their lives for it.
(3) The movie is the most bizarre and inexplicable blend of mismatched period elements. The main characters are dressed in outfits which look like they could be set in a Medieval era, and they carry swords. However, there's that crazy modern day tanker car with the silver in it, plus one of the characters has a hand gun. Yet, there are four assassin *women* in the film who wear black outfits and don white drama faces/masks, and they carry ancient Samurai swords.
(4) The acting doesn't even qualify as two-dimensional. That would be too generous. Think one-dimensional. Think: "The director will shout 'Action!' and you guys just come up with whatever dialogue comes into your head. Act as though you have no idea what you're talking about."
(5) When crossing a bridge over into the dark, mysterious forest (my mind has already blocked out some details of the movie to minimize my agony, so I don't remember what they called it), the band of outlaws meets an older guy who's like a watcher. The dialogue between him and the outlaws is hysterical. The guy is supposed to be fearing for his life, as he thinks the outlaws are going to kill him, yet his lines are delivered with the same intensity and emotion as a weather report. Wait, I take that back. A weather report is delivered with more intensity.
(6) There is this flying, six-eyed creature that stalks and kills people who roam the forest. Its animation looks like something right out of the old "claymation" films of the 1970s. You know, the puppet stop-action sequences? (Think: episodes of "Gumby and Pokey" or the movie "Jason and the Argonauts.") If they had strung a plastic monster on a string and "flew" it through the forest, the effect wouldn't have been that much worse.
(7) There's only one monster...at first. But then there are magically three more of them. Eventually the outlaws find the creature's lair and invade it and kill all four of the monsters. But when they later exit the lair, suddenly about four or five more monsters just come out of nowhere and start slaughtering people.
(8) As luck would have it, the creature can be killed...with silver! But wait, I thought that was a werewolf? Oh, yes, I forgot. This movie is just a mix of all kinds of unrelated things. Fortunately the outlaws just happen to have their stolen silver with them, so they melt some down and put it on the tips of their spears. (Oh, did I forget to mention the Medieval spears?)
(9) The soundtrack...oh my goodness, the soundtrack! The soundtrack wanted in the worst way to be an A-List movie soundtrack. There was orchestration, crescendo, drum beats, and all kinds of good stuff. But imagine that crescendo building up while you're watching a bunch of people merely walking through the forest! The music was entirely misplaced and not only failed to enhance the mood of a given scene, it actually became a distraction.
(10) The camera angles were often a case of "Point the camera straight in the actor's face, wait until he moves his head side to side--looking at God knows what and expressing God knows what emotion--then pan to another actor and do the same thing."
(11) The double-crossed king (or whatever the heck he was; his mask and outfit seemed like a cross between a Bushido warrior and a bad Halloween costume), who wasn't supposed to follow the outlaws into the dark, mysterious forest because of fear, followed them nonetheless, and he brought his "army" with him. It was a very menacing, formidable group of, say, a whopping 15 or 20 men who mostly hid behind trees.
(12) All but one of the assassin women get killed, and the last one finally takes off her mask because of the way one of the outlaws "had always looked at her." You know, the sexual tension thing? It *completely* falls flat here. And unless the guy had x-ray vision, what attracted him to her in the first place is a complete mystery. So the viewer is thinking, "Ah, at last! I get to see what she looks like underneath that stupid mask. I hope she's hot!" Wow, talk about disappointment.
(13) The main character dies near the end of the movie, and the only ones left really are the male outlaw/female assassin couple. They end up walking through the forest and reach a town that lies somewhat down in a valley. The movie ends with them pondering what "adventures" lie ahead, and the dialogue actually has one of them saying, "The possibilities are endless" or something to that effect. What possibilities??!! You two have no plan, no goals, no sexual chemistry, so NOW what?
Do NOT rent this movie, unless you intend to inflict mental torture upon an enemy with it or you have trouble falling asleep at night.