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Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men [Paperback]

Lundy Bancroft
4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (57 customer reviews)
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Book Description

Sept. 2 2003
"He doesn't mean to hurt me-he just loses control."
"He can be sweet and gentle."
"He's scared me a few times, but he never hurts the children-he's a great father."
"He's had a really hard life..."

Women in abusive relationships tell themselves these things every day. Now they can see inside the minds of angry and controlling men-and change their own lives. In this groundbreaking book, a counselor shows how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship, with:

€ The early warning signs
€ Nine abusive personality types
€ How to tell if an abuser can change, is changing, or ever will
€ The role of drugs and alcohol
€ What can be fixed, and what can't
€ How to leave a relationship safely

Frequently Bought Together

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men + Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved + The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself
Price For All Three: CDN$ 39.00

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Product Details

Product Description

From Publishers Weekly

This fascinating investigation into what makes abusive men tick is alarming, but its candid handling of a difficult subject makes it a valuable resource for professionals and victims alike. Bancroft, the former codirector of Emerge, the nation's first program for abusive men, has specialized in domestic violence for 15 years, and his understanding of his subject and audience is apparent on every page. "One of the prevalent features of life with an angry or controlling partner is that he frequently tells you what you should think and tries to get you to doubt or devalue your own perceptions and beliefs," he writes. "I would not like to see your experience with this book re-create that unhealthy dynamic. So the top point to bear in mind as you read [this book] is to listen carefully to what I am saying, but always to think for yourself." He maintains this level of sensitivity and even empathy throughout discussions on the nature of abusive thinking, how abusive men manipulate their families and the legal system and whether or not they can ever be cured. Jargon-free analysis is frequently broken up by interesting first-person accounts and boxes that distill in-depth information into simple checklists. Bancroft's book promises to be a beacon of calm and sanity for many storm-tossed families.
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Library Journal

Bancroft, a former codirector of Emerge, the first U.S. program for abusive men, and a 15-year veteran of work with abusive men, reminds readers that each year in this country, two to four million women are assaulted by their partners and that at least one out of three American women will be a victim of violence by a husband or boyfriend at some point in her life. His valuable resource covers early warning signs, ten abusive personality types, the abusive mentality, problems with getting help from the legal system, and the long, complex process of change. After dispelling 17 myths about abusive personalities, he sheds light on the origin of the abuser's values and beliefs, which he finds to be a better explanation of abusive behavior than reference to psychological problems. Bancroft extends his approach to problematic gay and lesbian relationships as well, making the book that much more useful and empowering. This is essential reading for those in the helping professions and highly recommended for all libraries, especially those in communities with emergency shelter programs. Dale Farris, Groves, TX
Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Inside This Book (Learn More)
First Sentence
LISTEN TO THE VOICES OF THESE WOMEN: He's two different people. Read the first page
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Front Cover | Copyright | Table of Contents | Excerpt | Index | Back Cover
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Customer Reviews

Most helpful customer reviews
8 of 8 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent Read Feb. 24 2006
I have been counselling women in abusive relationships for 11 years. Our program does have a lending library and recently ordered this book. It is by far the best book on abusive relationships written for not only survivors of abusive relationships, but also for secondary survivors (family,friends, co-workers), therapists and the general public.
It explains the abusive personality, dispells the myths about abusive men, gives the survivor solid ways to know if he is changing and reasons why he does not choose to change. It also includes reasons not to seek couple counselling, which is something that cannot be stressed enough.
I lend this book to all my clients and encourage them to purchase it.
Excellent resource!!
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7 of 8 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars excellent book July 31 2009
By karma
i was recommended this book by my psychologist. at first, i was hesitant to read it b/c i didn't want to spend one more ounce of energy on HIM but since my psychologist said it would help me and i trusted her, i decided to get it at the library. well, i couldn't put the book down and i ended up buying it and received it within a few days. having been in an abusive relationship for almost twenty years, and having been through counselling and the court system and all the ups and downs, having done a lot of research, i thought i wouldn't learn much from reading this book but i was wrong. i read much of the book with my jaws hanging open and head nodding. it was as if he put my experiences and thoughts in writing and it helped me to validate what i had gone through and helped me to reinforce that i wasn't crazy. my ex was arrested for assault years ago and last year was arrested again and this time convicted. i now have two young children in the mix and i have gone through a very very difficult year. my son esp. (now 7yrs) still has issues. not only have we had to deal with the physical, and emotional abuse but also financial, psychological, sexual abuse as well as infidelity, the awful family court system, access issues etc etc. the author has written another book titled "when dad hurts mom" and i have just gotten it from the library and will be reading that. for those of you undecided about purchasing this book, you can see if they have it at your local library first, like i did. i personally feel it is one of those books that should be on your shelf so you can have it to read over and over.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A Must Read Dec 11 2013
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
I would recommend this book to any woman who is going through turmoil and abuse. It isn't you. It isn't your fault. By reading this book you will begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel and each day will be better.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars An eye-opener Sept. 23 2013
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
This book was informative and gave me insight into these negative behaviours.
It opened my eyes into the oftentimes hopeless changes in some men who are caught up in these behaviours and the damage that results.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Eye-opening Jan. 19 2014
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
This book has changed my life. If you ever have doubts about your relationship and what is normal and what is abusive, read this book. Well-researched, and over 15 years of professional experience inform this analysis.
A must-read for anyone involved in a (potentially) abuse relationship or otherwise affected by one.
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By Aimee
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
I charged my ex after he escalated in his behaviour last weekend and choked me several times, threatened to push me out a 6th floor window. Run if your guy exhibits the traits mentioned in this book. Lundy knows his stuff. It was my best friend and counsel in the weeks leading up to his escalated and near deadly behaviour. Best help in understanding partner abusers by far. Even just to dispel the myths about them - a must read.
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11 of 14 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars This book is biased and harmful Aug. 8 2011
By Sam Iam
I come from an abusive family, in which my father was violently abusive toward my mother, myself and my siblings. My mother was also emotionally and verbally abusive, extremely manipulative and oftentimes cruel. Yet because my father's behaviour was explicit and my mother's more subtle, he was labeled as the scapegoat 'abuser' by society and she was treated as pure and innocent. While recognizing the faults and failings of my father I resent the biased way society looks at the breakdown of our family. This book continues the tradition of blaming the man for all abusive behaviour in dysfunctional marriages. While the man should be held 100% responsible for his actions, in almost all messed up relationships BOTH partners have behaved abusively toward each other and both need to take responsibility before healing can occur.

While this book may be useful in helping to understand/recognize when one is in an abusive relationship, Bancroft does not offer effective solutions to transform such relationships into healthy ones and admits his methods usually fail. After reading this book I believe it is ultimately harmful.

Bancroft states he works largely with clients on probation who have no choice but to attend his sessions. He has no formal training in psychology or psychiatry and yet he dismisses all evidence-based therapies. Instead he introduces his own techniques, cites no studies demonstrating the methods work, and admits on p357 that the majority of his attempts to change clients in his program fail. He repeatedly blames the clients for this rather than his own methods.

In addition the book is full of inaccurate and misleading statements. For example Bancroft states on p45 that only men abuse women, and it is a 'myth' that women abuse men.
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Most recent customer reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Great Healthy Techniques
There are painful ways of getting drawn in time and time again by a polished manipulator.

For example, if you lose your temper, rage, accuse and get involved in a drama... Read more
Published 1 month ago by Eleanor Cowan
4.0 out of 5 stars A must read for every young woman as she prepares for the life as a...
OH had I known then, what I know now. I was unaware of my father being an abuser, but as an adult always sought his approval and feared disappointing him, which was and is... Read more
Published 1 month ago by Anonymous
5.0 out of 5 stars A really great book
Here's another great book I've been reading...I'm simply amazed and at as I read through page by page, I am relieved that I had left my situation I was in! Read more
Published 1 month ago by Melanie Beattie
5.0 out of 5 stars This book was right on the money.
I suffered through a 37 year marriage with an emotionally abusive husband. I had no understanding into his behaviors. Read more
Published 3 months ago by Linda M.
5.0 out of 5 stars Very Helpful
I would recommend this book to Everyone. To truly understand the confusion, cycle and ultimate sadness that results from abusiveness this book is necessary. Read more
Published 3 months ago by Sara
5.0 out of 5 stars A MUST READ for abused women!
This book answered every question I had in my mind when it came to an abusive relationship. It is amazing how accurate and thorough the author is in his descriptions of the abuser... Read more
Published 6 months ago by Jade L.
5.0 out of 5 stars Be prepared to have the wool completely removed from your eyes!!
Why Does he do That? was the book that stripped the wool completely and permanently from my dim eyes, and sent me into shock! Read more
Published 6 months ago by Lana
5.0 out of 5 stars Most Important Book of 21st Century in Subject
This book is such a breakthrough at last in that Author Bancroft concisely describes the problem of abuse, places responsibility on abuser, and how he thinks, not how he feels. Read more
Published 13 months ago by L. Desmond
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing
I have read a few books on this topic, and this is hands-down the best one. As a woman recovering from abuse, I highly recommend this book. Read more
Published 15 months ago by Booksmeller
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