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Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Paperback – Sep 2 2003

72 customer reviews

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Product Details

  • Paperback: 432 pages
  • Publisher: Berkley; REP edition (Sept. 2 2003)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0425191656
  • ISBN-13: 978-0425191651
  • Product Dimensions: 15.2 x 2.2 x 22.9 cm
  • Shipping Weight: 399 g
  • Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (72 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: #10,022 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
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Product Description

From Publishers Weekly

This fascinating investigation into what makes abusive men tick is alarming, but its candid handling of a difficult subject makes it a valuable resource for professionals and victims alike. Bancroft, the former codirector of Emerge, the nation's first program for abusive men, has specialized in domestic violence for 15 years, and his understanding of his subject and audience is apparent on every page. "One of the prevalent features of life with an angry or controlling partner is that he frequently tells you what you should think and tries to get you to doubt or devalue your own perceptions and beliefs," he writes. "I would not like to see your experience with this book re-create that unhealthy dynamic. So the top point to bear in mind as you read [this book] is to listen carefully to what I am saying, but always to think for yourself." He maintains this level of sensitivity and even empathy throughout discussions on the nature of abusive thinking, how abusive men manipulate their families and the legal system and whether or not they can ever be cured. Jargon-free analysis is frequently broken up by interesting first-person accounts and boxes that distill in-depth information into simple checklists. Bancroft's book promises to be a beacon of calm and sanity for many storm-tossed families.
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Library Journal

Bancroft, a former codirector of Emerge, the first U.S. program for abusive men, and a 15-year veteran of work with abusive men, reminds readers that each year in this country, two to four million women are assaulted by their partners and that at least one out of three American women will be a victim of violence by a husband or boyfriend at some point in her life. His valuable resource covers early warning signs, ten abusive personality types, the abusive mentality, problems with getting help from the legal system, and the long, complex process of change. After dispelling 17 myths about abusive personalities, he sheds light on the origin of the abuser's values and beliefs, which he finds to be a better explanation of abusive behavior than reference to psychological problems. Bancroft extends his approach to problematic gay and lesbian relationships as well, making the book that much more useful and empowering. This is essential reading for those in the helping professions and highly recommended for all libraries, especially those in communities with emergency shelter programs. Dale Farris, Groves, TX
Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

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Customer Reviews

4.8 out of 5 stars
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Most helpful customer reviews

10 of 10 people found the following review helpful By Envision Counselling & Support Centre on Feb. 24 2006
Format: Paperback
I have been counselling women in abusive relationships for 11 years. Our program does have a lending library and recently ordered this book. It is by far the best book on abusive relationships written for not only survivors of abusive relationships, but also for secondary survivors (family,friends, co-workers), therapists and the general public.
It explains the abusive personality, dispells the myths about abusive men, gives the survivor solid ways to know if he is changing and reasons why he does not choose to change. It also includes reasons not to seek couple counselling, which is something that cannot be stressed enough.
I lend this book to all my clients and encourage them to purchase it.
Excellent resource!!
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5 of 5 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on June 7 2004
Format: Hardcover
After 10 years in an abusive relationship, this book openend up my eyes like no other ever book has. Lundy is a master in explaining what an abusive man does. I am very grateful for this book and his work with men. Thank you Lundy. I recommend this book to everyone who feels abused or unhappy in their relationship. After reading this book I finally understood what had happend to me, why my relationship to my ex-husband (who I still love but choose not to be with)was not good for me because of his abuse. I thought we had a communication problem, but that was not true! He was out to have power over me, that was all. Once I understood what his game is, it was also very important for me to understand why I choose a man that is not capable of true loving, and why I got involved with him. I found that he was a reflection of what I felt about myself. Therefore I recommend you read a book on co-dependency as well. After all - it takes two to tango! I realized I could not blame him for who he was, I had see why I choose him. I pray that I will find a man who is truly capable of loving and respecting me, and that my beloved ex-husband will understand and overcome his pain as well.
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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful By Anonymous on June 18 2014
Format: Paperback
OH had I known then, what I know now. I was unaware of my father being an abuser, but as an adult always sought his approval and feared disappointing him, which was and is inevitable. I grew up to marry an abuser and stayed with him for 22 years, always thinking if I changed things would be better. I finally got up the nerve to ask for a separation, but as mentioned in the book suggested it be a temporary situation. Once he was gone, I could breathe like I'd never breathed before... until my dad started to step in again as the self-professed male authority in my life after I made the separation permanent and filed for divorce.. I went on to date two more abusers. I stumbled across this book and found all of the male abusers in my life in it's pages. I am so grateful to have explained to me that it was them, not me who had the problem and that the life with an abuser is not normal... it doesn't go on in everyone's home. This book spoke my unspoken thoughts and dispelled lies that I believed. I am determined to begin living "free to be me" one day at a time. I am so grateful that I happened across this book. It will be an invaluable tool in my future life... I will not be abused again!
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10 of 11 people found the following review helpful By karma on July 31 2009
Format: Paperback
i was recommended this book by my psychologist. at first, i was hesitant to read it b/c i didn't want to spend one more ounce of energy on HIM but since my psychologist said it would help me and i trusted her, i decided to get it at the library. well, i couldn't put the book down and i ended up buying it and received it within a few days. having been in an abusive relationship for almost twenty years, and having been through counselling and the court system and all the ups and downs, having done a lot of research, i thought i wouldn't learn much from reading this book but i was wrong. i read much of the book with my jaws hanging open and head nodding. it was as if he put my experiences and thoughts in writing and it helped me to validate what i had gone through and helped me to reinforce that i wasn't crazy. my ex was arrested for assault years ago and last year was arrested again and this time convicted. i now have two young children in the mix and i have gone through a very very difficult year. my son esp. (now 7yrs) still has issues. not only have we had to deal with the physical, and emotional abuse but also financial, psychological, sexual abuse as well as infidelity, the awful family court system, access issues etc etc. the author has written another book titled "when dad hurts mom" and i have just gotten it from the library and will be reading that. for those of you undecided about purchasing this book, you can see if they have it at your local library first, like i did. i personally feel it is one of those books that should be on your shelf so you can have it to read over and over.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on Nov. 12 2003
Format: Paperback
I have been in a marriage less than four years, but it has been up, and down, back and forth the entire time. I kept thinking there is something I could do, something I could say... ANYTHING to help our relationship. All of my time and energy was being drained by my controlling and abusive, and yes, even Cheating husband!! Lundy Bancroft clearly states the 10 signs to look for, to see if he is truly changing. Mine did the first couple.. and then just as Mr. Bancroft mentions will happen, held onto his own sense of entitlement and refused to change any further. Why? Because he thought he could get away with it again! Without this book I would have stayed thinking he was trying to change. NOt anymore! With this book, I could see the abuser needs to take 10 full steps to change and become non controlling!! My Abuser still didn't allow me to be angry at him when he hurt me. Bancroft states that most abusers won't do this. My Abuser still didn't make me his true partner and equal. He acted like giving me just a teeny bit was more than fair, and expected me to believe his point of view. Because of this book I could clearly see that the small changes My husband was making were just that.. Small! And not what is needed for a healthy and real change. Bancroft also states the best way to get an abuser to change is to leave for awhile.. And then if you decide to go back, and he acts controlling again, leave again for a much longer time. It is true, most abusers won't change. I am divorcing my husband after giving him many chances to change and treat me better. This book has been a great relief... I highly recommend it. It says that abusers are not unable to change, they are unwilling to. That pretty much hits the nail on the head!
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