Evil Things

My review contains spoilers.

This film borrow heavily from The Blair Witch Project. In fact, in some places, it's almost identical. Straight from the opening cut as the kids are leaving home and getting in the car, we realize this film is mirroring Blair Witch in a distorted way. This film blatantly rewrites some of Blair Witch's scenes even down to talking about food, doing interviews, etc. They even get lost in the woods, which, in my book was stupid. They carry on about being lost, oh what do we do, we are lost, we will die here. Well, since it did snow heavily the night before, and it's not snowing now, maybe follow your own tracks back. bet you never thought of that, little Einsteins!

The characters are very uninteresting. Only at one point, the lead female puts on a man's wig, and acts like another character's mother, does the film get entertaining.

The film took almost 50 minutes of bad acting before anything really interesting happens. And that is when a video tape shows up on the front porch. They watch the tape and realize they themselves have been watched. That concept was chilling. But that was it for spooky parts. There were a few minor ones after that, but, that's not even really worth the time or money to sit through this for that thrill.

It is amazing that any moron with a video camera can get their reel of trash on DVD or even worse, on pay per view and charge people to sit through the boring, pointless, mindless drek. No character, no plot, no script, no action, no ending, and no point. The four and five stars given here are clearly the (cough cough) director and (choking here) actors reviewing their own worse-than-student film-grade mess. If this festering piece of garbage was shown in an intro to film-making class, it would get a D-. A pathetic waste.

This movie is TERRIBLE! IT has NO plot. What you read above is all there is (only worse.)

The "crazed" stalker is just someone who honked at their car and passed them, only later to be found stopped ahead for whatever reason. That is the movies crazed stalker. They get freaked out when they see the van in a -- hold your breath kids -- gas station filling up on gas. Wow. That has the thumb print of Satan all over it, right?

The guy has this impossibly big camera. It's somewhat smaller than the ones they use nowadays. It was the kind you have to put on your shoulder and he seemingly carried it everywhere. That must be some very strong battery (and arm muscles.)

These kids are the only kids who can get lost outside after a snow storm. They were all freaking out about "being lost". It wasn't snowing nor was there a wind. The camera guy panned around to show evidence of animal tracks but the snow was largely untouched (and the animal tracks couldn't have been made by an animal larger than a cat.) I wanted to say, FFS! Turn around, look down, and follow your tracks. Then again we wouldn't get award winning lines like "is that... AN ANIMAL?!" They're in a foresty area. One of the guys says "what? An ANIMAL?! Here? In the WOODS?! NEVER!"

The tension goes up when the poor, haunted kids get a two crank calls and a pounding at the door. After the prerequisite screaming, tears and OMIGAHS!, one goes out to see a present was left. Was it a dead animal? Nope. A poor, mutilated doll that said "your next"? Nah. Satanic symbols painted on the porch with obviously fake blood? Uh uh. It was a video tape. Do our heros A) call the cops? B) Get the hell out of dodge? C) get some weapons to protect themselves? or D) watch the movie?

I think the fact that they had whoever this thing way was filming them because they probably thought halfway through the movie that having the main video guy holding the camera would seem... I don't don't. I little unreal. ;P I don't know why, though. We learn nothing. The guy tells one of the girls to hold his camera and to make certain she gets a shot of whoever that person is, but we never see it.

We never see why this person was after them too. I have a very hard time believe that because someone honked twice behind you, sped up and passed you, than you seeing him at the side of the road warrants some psycho insane stalker thing.

You don't see anything that happens to the kids. The cover is the face one of the girls makes. We don't see why or what happens afterward. My face was stuck in that position after I finished this movie (the HORROR! HORROR!) It still is, which was awkward at work last night.

For some reason they tacked on 10 minutes of random shots of central park in the fall. There is no given reason for this, but honestly I wasn't surprised. They probably said "WTF. If they've watched it this far than they've earned it." That was almost funny too. I mean, it was all random people until the camera man saw a couple actors being filmed than focused entirely on them.

Queue the credits (in which we see the "scary" video we just watched 20 mins ago.) This goes on longer than the credits. Some minutes after the credits are done we see a "no animals were harmed in the making of this film" (there were no animals seen in the movie) and then a random mishmash of nursery rhymes that they tried to make vaguely scary but failed.

AVOID THIS MOVIE! Though it may prove to be an interesting drinking game.

› Go to Amazon.com to see all 12 reviews  2.8 out of 5 stars