In the first few minutes of The Fallen Ones, some bearded guy (Ammon played by Navid Negahban) kills Lurch with finger-snakes. Or snake-fingers. It's hard to tell, I wasn't really paying attention. Then there's the poor special effects of a huge angry guy ranting at little snake finger guy while...
You know what? Let's just make this easy. If you have no tolerance for B-movies you can skip this movie and the review. Otherwise I've got two words for you: GIANT MUMMY.
Now for some people, those two words are the dumbest combination of words since "Ancient Egypt". But for those of us who are fans of mummies, making them giant-sized is a sweet sprinkling of mummy dust on our mummy cake.
There's not much more to say. Some archeologists (Matt Fletcher, played by Capser Van Diem of Starship Troopers fame) unearth the corpse of giant-sized Aramis (Robert Allen Mukes), taking the words from the Bible about "giants in the Earth" a little too seriously. While arguing over the importance and ownership of such a find, the hottie engineer Angela (Kristen Miller) spars with Fletcher about the GIANT MUMMY. Puzzled over the ancient writing on the GIANT MUMMY'S tomb, Fletcher enlists the aid of Tom Bosley (sporting a Jewish accent as Rabbi Eli Schmitt). Ammon's still around too, and since he's immortal he might as well be the chief of security for this incredible find.
Did I mention the GIANT MUMMY?
It wakes up, as all GIANT MUMMIES must. But before the GIANT MUMMY'S eyes flick open, we are treated to a GIANT MECHA MUMMY that is cultist-powered. That's right, this "effigy" stomps around while cultists in its arms, legs, and head chant to Ammon. Does life get any better than this?
Yes it does. Because not only does the GIANT MUMMY take on a helicopter, there are human-sized mummies inside of it. It's like six mummies for the price of one!
Somewhere in the middle of all this mummy goodness is a plot by Ammon to mate with Angela. Judging from the number of cheesecake shots where the camera slowly pans up, down, and sideways across Angela's prone body, the director wants to mate with her too.
If this film has a flaw, it's that the movie is actually more about Ammon than Aramis, more about devils than GIANT MUMMIES. Also, you can blow up a GIANT MUMMY by throwing a stick of dynamite 40 feet into its mouth. Okay that's two flaws. But at the end of the film there's a promise of even more GIANT MUMMIES.
And that's a pretty big deal.