The Four Seasons of Marriage [Paperback]

Is your marriage in the season of summer, spring, winter, or fall? Find out in THE FOUR SEASONS OF MARRIAGE, from bestselling author Gary Chapman who penned THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES.

Chapman's tone is that of a friendly, empathetic counselor. First, he invites you to discover which season of marriage you and your spouse are in. These seasons don't progress in order; rather, your marriage is probably fluctuating back and forth between all four, he writes. After you identify your season, Chapman offers seven strategies to help you make the most of that season, and ideas for putting the strategies into practice. As he unpacks the characteristics of each season, Chapman includes profiles of married couples who have come to him for advice and counseling. His hope is to help couples move their marriages from fall or winter into spring or summer.

Marriage, Chapman writes, is both intimate and purposeful. When intimacy --- sharing life in a deep way --- is not attained, we feel troubled. Marriage is also purposeful. It helps us raise our children, and in nurturing and developing our gifts and abilities. "Life is easier when two hearts and minds are committed to working together to face the challenges of the day," he writes.

Spring is where most marriages begin. There is joy, excitement and an anticipation of the future. It's a time of new beginnings and positive changes. Summer means happiness, peace, satisfaction, fun and comfort. There is a sense of accomplishment and a desire to keep growing as a couple. You overlook your spouse's shortcomings, and there is a growing sense of togetherness.

Fall, of course, is a precursor to winter, characterized by sadness, apprehension and rejection. A spouse might feel insecure. The couple drifts apart, disengages. An affair may happen, catapulting the marriage into winter. Winter, he writes, is characterized by the emotions of hurt, anger, disappointment, loneliness and rejection. Our attitude is usually bad. We see problems as too big or unresolvable. Our actions include withdrawal, silence, harsh words and even violent acts. Divorce can be just around the corner. "The marriage is like two people living in separate igloos," writes Chapman.

If you find yourself in a fall or winter season, Chapman assures you this is not hopeless. This leads to the easy marital profile indicator quiz, which may seem a bit simplistic. Next, Chapman unpacks the seven strategies for enhancing the season you find yourself in, from dealing with past failures (confession, repentance, forgiveness), to a very concrete set of ideas about empathetic listening. The third strategy, "Learn to speak your spouse's love language," will feel familiar to readers of THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES, and recaps the ideas from that book. The seventh strategy is one that a spouse can read and implement alone if the other spouse is resistant to working on the marriage. A study guide at the end of the book is suitable for group discussion, with alternate questions for a couple's private use.

There are a few small troubles. Chapman is already touting his THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by page 26 as he does throughout the book, as well as heavily pushing marriage conferences. Both are worthy things to recommend, but it does feel a bit self-promotional. (He's a popular speaker at marriage conferences.) Some of the analogies feel overly cute (the problems in the season of summer are "yellowjackets," for example; in spring, it's "poison ivy").

But these are minor flaws in a helpful book that should mainly appeal to Christians whose marriages are in trouble, or to fans of Chapman's THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES. Small groups and counselors will appreciate the study guide tucked into the back to help with further explorations.

--- Reviewed by Cindy Crosby. Contact Cindy at (...)

One of the most beneficial features of this book is the fact that Dr. Chapman describes the emotional seasons of marriage and gives them names we're all familair with - using the seasons. (You can take a free quiz to see your marriage season at 4seasonsofmarriage.com - no personal infomation asked for, either, not even email!) This season idea is very easy for any married couple to grasp and, once a couple identifies the season or seasons they are in, Dr. Chapman's book provides the language and the guidance for a couple to talk about their relationship openly and in a somewhat more observational role when one uses the seasonal analogy. The book is written for any married couple - no matter how many years married. It addresses happy couples and how to sustain the happiness as well as couples in trouble and providines strategies for improvement. A great tool to have on the shelf for all the years of marriage! I find it invaluable.

"My experience both in my own marriage and in counseling couples for more than thirty years, suggests that marriages are perpetually in a state of transition, continually moving from one season to another..." ~ Gary Chapman

While "The Four Seasons of Marriage" can be read in a matter of hours, the lessons learned are quite valuable. You can instantly put the ideas into practice because they are practical and wise. Instead of taking a complex problem and making it overwhelmingly difficult to solve, Gary makes everything more simple.

Once you have determined your season (winter, spring, summer, fall) then you can decide to try to stay in a season (summer is comfortable) or move out of a season (like winter which is harsh) more quickly and into a situation you prefer. All that is needed is a little motivation and a sense of determination.

You can experience spring after twenty years of marriage or winter in the first year. Since each relationship is totally unique some seasons may feel more familiar than others. However, Gary believes that you go through the seasons on a continual basis. I have personally found this to be very true.

After reading numerous books on marriage and relationships I think this is one of the best books on the subject. It really makes sense and is written by an author who has been married for over forty-two years. This book also contains a summary of the five love languages.

I can also recommend: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

~The Rebecca Review

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