A Goomba's Guide to Life [Hardcover]

What are goomba Italian-Americans?
The terms goomba (also can be seen spelled goombah or goumbah) and guido are both synonymous terms used to describe a certain very ethnic Italian-American which usually resides in small New Jersey and New York neighborhoods known as "GuidoLands." When you take all of the children and grandchildren of Italian immigrants from all the different regions and throw them together, you have your Little Italy neighborhoods in America, and the goomba subculture emerges. Things get translated and changed and past onto the next generation, but the Italian root is still there. The GuidoLand residents are special types of Italian-Americans who usually fit a lot of the Hollywood stereotypes, because they are pretty entertaining characters. Goombas do things to the extreme when it comes to showing off the love for this particular East Coast subculture. Goombas have certain speech patterns, ways of dress, attitudes and ideas, but they truly love family and things that derive from Italy. Goombas don't wanna walk on the moon, they wanna walk to the corner Italian deli. Goombas don't try to discover a cure for Cancer, they'd rather go to the local Church and pray for it. Goombas like food, family, music, movies, sports, and just hanging out. They may not have the best jobs or homes but they still have that "numero uno" attitude. The goomba originated anywhere from thirty to forty to fifty years ago and will be around forever. The stereotypes may alter a little and new guido-isms may be created, but the goomba attitude-which is the main thing-will never die. If you haven't realized it by now, not all Italians are goombas. It's a special distinction made to certain guys who like Italian things over meddigan (white bread WASP) things.

Why do some take offense to the word goomba?
Usually it's because they think you are characterizing them with being gangsters or low-class. The goomba is neither. Some "holier than thou" Italian-Americans think the whole goomba thing is a "bas-tardization" of the culture because of the use of slang terms as opposed to formal standard Italian or because they are content with their living conditions and lifestyle and aren't out protesting some cause. It's a sad fact for one Italian-American to look down on another, considering the goomba's love for all things Italian, past and present, is always extreme and evident. That's why the goomba wears the Fila suits, and wraps himself in the Italian flag. And that's why most goombas like shows like The Sopranos and movies like Goodfellas, because they can relate to the goomba image. It's not that the goomba is relating to the gangster part, which is the part that is doing the crimes. Italian-American mafia characters are usually portrayed as very ethnic and distinct about their wardrobe choices and meals and a lot of other things they do. And that's the cool part about them that the goomba gets a kick out of, the Italian love, it's not all about seeing them chopping off other people's heads. A goomba can call out a fellow goomba like a black guy can call a friend the "n" word. It's a term of affection, not like greaseball or guinea which usually are offensive.

What is the goomba dialect?
Come stai, molto benne, buon giorno, arrivederci. Every Italian from Italy knows these words and every Italian-American should. But what about the goomba speech pattern? Those words and phrases that are a little Italian, a little American and a little slang. The goomba says ciao when he arrives or leaves. He says Madonna Mia anytime emotion is needed in any given situation. Mannagge, meengya, oofah and of course, va fungool can also be used. Capeesh? He uses a mopeen to wipe his hands in the cucina, gets agita from the gravy and will shceeve meatballs unless they are homemade from the famiglia. Always foonah your bread in the pot of gravy or you will be a mottie or a goo-goots. Mezza-fanooks and mulignans are usually always mamalukes and the girl from the neighborhood with the reputation is a facia-bruta puttana or a schifosa hewa (who-re). If you are called cattivo, garbbadosht, sfatcheem, stupido, or strunz you are usually a pain in the you know what. A crazy diavlo can give you the maloikya (evil eye), but that red horn will protect you if you use it right. Always say per favore and grazie and prego. Piacere is always said if you meet someone you like. If you are feeling mooshadd or stunad or mezza-morta always head to Nonna's and she will fix you with a little homemade manicott,' gavadell' or calamod' or some ricott' cheesecake. Mangia on some zeppoles, canollis, torrone, struffoli, shfooyadell', pignoli cookies, or a little nutella on pannetone. Delizioso! I think I will fix myself a sengweech of gabagol' with some proshoot and mozzarell' or maybe just a hot slice a peetz. Pasta fazool, mussels ma-dinara, clams oregenata, eggplant parmigian' and calzones are more traditional comfort food. Chiaccherones talk too much and if you say perche I don't know why. Just tell them to stattazeet. So salud' if you have any Italian blood in you and if you understood anything I wrote here. If so, you are numero uno and the professore of the goombas. Aspett' a minuto I have another thing to say, domani is another day! If you don't get any of this then fa Napola with the whole thing and you are a disgraziato. Scuzi, me dispiachay, I didn't mean that. Just fugheddaboutit.