"Hard Ticket to Hawaii" is the first of twelve (that's right, count 'em, twelve) Andy Sidaris "Bullets, Bombs and Babes" movies to be released on DVD, and as an introduction to the series it can't be topped. It's absolutely topless!
So, for a good stretch, are Playmates Dona Speir (March 1984) and Hope Marie Carlton (July 1985), who play supersecret agents Donna Hamilton and Taryn Kendall in this absolutely riotous take-off on James Bond. Except that even Bond never took as much off.
Frankly, recent Bond movies with their adrenaline overkill and obligatory explosions owe more to 'Hard Ticket To Hawaii' than it owes to them.
The plot, where it exists, concerns a drug-running ring on the Hawaiian island of Molokai. Donna and Taryn are assigned to stop the evildoers, who are led by a Goldfinger-like leader who delivers contraband in a radio-controlled helicopter (a scale model, not a real one...guess the drug business isn't what it used to be on Molokai).
Somehow, the storyline changes from smuggled drugs to smuggled diamonds along the way, but who cares? Dona and Hope Marie are clearly having a good time on camera, are so appealing (even when they're really trying to act) and the movie is so absurdly funny that anybody looking for a little element like a storyline should have his head examined.
Our secret agent friends spend most of their time either running around 85% naked in khaki jungle short shorts, 90% naked in the jacuzzi, or 95% naked kissing the tanned, buff men in this movie, but they do manage to subdue the bad guys in the end. Somehow.
In the interim, we are treated to such unforgettable lines as "Let's hit the jacuzzi...I do my best thinking there," "I don't want to control your life, I only want to suck the polish off your toes," and "If brains were bird poop you'd have a clean cage."
We also run afoul of a homicidal skateboarder armed with a pistol and a blow-up doll (why?) and a transvestite who is spying on the spies. Plus any number of nubile women, none of them at all foul.
The most memorable acting job of the film belongs to a giant rubber snake (don't be alarmed) who provides an interesting subplot (much more interesting than the plot plot, when you think about it). It seems that the giant rubber snake has been contaminated by ingesting cancer-infested rats, and wreaks havoc on the smiling islanders by ingesting them. By far the most memorable scene concerns the snake's sudden appearance from an exploding toilet, giving rise to the shouldabeenaOscar-winning line, "Just when you thought it was safe to take a..." Well, you know.
Sidaris' light touch is evident in the fact that each chapter of the DVD is listed with a chart indicating whether it contains gunfire, explosions, or bare breasts. Sidaris is strictly tongue-in-cheek. The film contains no full frontal nudity and no adult language, just a lot of innuendo. A lot of it.
The Special Edition DVD also has a chapter of the "Andy Sidaris Film School" in which the Writer/Producer/Director/etc. Sidaris (Mrs. Arlene and Mr. Andy, actually) engage in some very professional technical discussion of filmmaking. Although they'll never be Kubrick, they are serious about making a high-quality film on a shoestring budget, and it shows in their careful and clever filming and their breathtaking location shooting. And they do give some relative unknowns an acting resume, to boot. Anyone interested in how films are made needs to watch this.
Be prepared. "Hard Ticket to Hawaii" is pure, sunshiny enjoyment!