"2-Headed Shark Attack" is the latest ridiculous sea monster flick from The Asylum. Before you can even get to the film there's an intro from The Asylum bragging how they have done over 100 of these cheesy disaster films so far, and the beauty is that if you've seen one you pretty much know what's going to happen in any of the others: just substitute "two-headed shark" for "giant alligator," "enormous squid," or "subterranean volcano under a metropolis" and you've got it. As the credits unwind to obnoxious college students on a speedboat, creature feature fans may feel the hairs on the back of their neck stand up when they see the director is Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray. With B-movie genetics like this you know it's going to be an entertaining movie for all the wrong reasons. Not that I fault Chris Ray, it's not like anyone was going to make a good movie called "2-Headed Shark Attack" or anything. You know what you're buying when you see the title.
The opening starts the production off right. Two talented water skiers in bikinis are pulled behind a boat towed by three ogling guys taking their pictures. I therefore found it a bit incredulous that nobody in the boat noticed when a giant two-headed shark leapt from the water and neatly munched them down. Not that it matters. The real meat of the story, the chum as it were, starts when we meet Professor Babbish (Charlie O'Connell) who is taking his class of insufferable students on a "semester at sea" to learn...well, something. It starts off with a lesson in sextant use, but quickly turns to a sunbathing demonstration. They are on a typical Florida tourist boat...no I'm sorry, a "US education vessel," the "Sea King," sailing "hundreds of miles from anywhere" and immediately sustain shark damage via a curious scene that you may not find entirely plausible. In the process the shark damages their radio antenna (ponder) and they cannot communicate with anyone. The interesting point is that bonehead jock Cole (Geoff Ward) was scolded to turn his cell phone off not more than five minutes earlier. But never mind, they are really, really stuck at sea with a crippled boat. Just take our word for it.
The dialogue is predictably ridiculous ("We're not sinking. We're taking on water.") Fortunately by an amazing coincidence a deserted island is right next to them. For some reason they decide to send the Professor and students ashore to look for scrap metal to repair the boat (really?) while Mrs. Anne Babbish (Carmen Electra, who is clearly here only because of her name and sundry assets, not because of any contribution to the plot whatsoever) is in charge of vessel repairs. She has two Spanish speaking deckhands who work hard and Laura (Morgan Thompson) the lovely welder to do the work. That's a good thing, because as senior officer onboard with her ship sinking what do you think she does? Well, obviously she changes into a bikini and soaks up some rays on deck. While all that's going on, the kids are getting into petulant arguments and exploring the island, and believe me they cannot get eaten fast enough for my taste. I hope that shark is famished.
If the plot isn't enough to make you laugh out loud, the acting and terrible CGI will. I have some seen some awful shark movies, but this is one of the worst on a whole bunch of levels. The effects are utterly laughable, and among the least scary of any of The Asylum movies. (That's saying something.) I truly enjoy how the entire scale of the shark varies by orders of magnitude throughout the film. Bonus points for that. The backstory unspools in an even sillier way than you would expect: voluptuous, angst-laden, uptight blonde heroine Kate (Brooke Hogan, Hulk's daughter) enrolled in the semester at sea because she was spooked by a shark in the ocean when she was 12, and hasn't been in the water since then. This is not how normal human beings make decisions. As they explore the deserted island which has well-developed roads, infrastructure, and even a church, they discover two boats which prompts the line "Hey guys do you think these will work?" For what? What part of "boat" don't they understand? What was the point of going to the island again? Never mind. Fortunately Kate is an engineering-mechanic-welding savant and fixes the boats with the help of smart guy Paul (David Gallegos,) the only remotely likeable member of the cast, while idiot Cole almost kills himself with a spear.
It sure was lucky they found this island, wasn't it? Oh, but wait! The shark is making the island have earthquakes and sink into the ocean! The first earthquake injures the Professor's leg to the point he needs to be ferried back to the "Sea King" (why did they ever leave again?) Fortunately they forget about this as he is able to run again within two hours. Assorted mayhem occurs with much CGI thrashing and foam teeth in attendance while idiotic canned interpersonal conflicts occur in abundance. Cole steals one boat for the cool kids, leaving Kate and Paul on the other. Oddly many of the students elect to stay on the sinking island as the boats race toward the "Sea King." This scene will have you praying for natural selection to work its wonders. Cole comes up with an ingenious plan to jump into the water and swim for the "Sea King" abandoning the boat's other occupants to the shark. Sadly Kate rescues Cole and when back in shallow water explains where their relationship stands in no uncertain terms.
Because this is going nowhere everyone comes ashore, abandoning the "Sea King." (Oh, whatever.) While Cole emotes over the loss of his party buds, the Babbish clan comes up with a brilliant plan: sink the "Sea King." No, seriously. You mean that boat they just left floating over there? Yes. Apparently they believe that it would be safer than staying on the visibly sinking atoll, because that would trigger its EPIRB (they don't call it that) to summon help. Turns out you don't really have to do that, but for the plot to work that's the best idea they've got. Paul (the student who should be in charge because he's the only one who knows anything about the ocean, fish, or boats) comes up with an alternate plan: fix the "Sea King." Brilliant! There's an elaborate subplot about distracting the shark with an electric bridge (don't ask) while the Professor sends, of all people, archenemies Cole and Kate to fix the "Sea King." (Suspension of disbelief is key here, people.) A favorite moment is when Professor Babbish watches the shark and yells "It's confused!" For a moment I thought he was talking about the plot, but nope, just the fish. Kate starts welding to fix the amusingly fake "hull damage" while the shark gets tired of its electroshock therapy and destroys the bridge, freeing it up to do more important things. Like eating.
Cole steals the "Sea King" as soon as the welding is complete, leaving Kate alone in the water. You'd have thought she was imperiled what with the giant mutant shark on the loose, but no, she just wades ashore. Suffice it to say that Cole doesn't get far, and the Professor's original plan is put into action, though this is lost on the cast for some reason. As the island sinks ever lower in the water, most people run inland, but two particularly dim coeds run to stand on the smallest, spindliest dock imaginable, then precariously perch on the very edge of said dock saying "I think we're good." What do you, the audience, think? Do you think huge two-headed sharks can leap clean over a dock? I won't tell.
Because this in an Asylum movie, there's not quite enough going on yet, so what do you think could go wrong next? Volcano? Good guess, but wrong. Enormous altruistic intervening squid? Again, good guess, but no. How about this one: tidal wave. Sadly, it's true. As it strikes the island the Babbishes have one last kiss as they are engulfed simultaneously by the rogue wave and the central character of the film. To seek refuge from the shark the remaining kids seek refuge in a church, which the shark treats as a snack basket before getting hopelessly lost inside. (It's a small church, but sharks have small brains.) Paul even gets to beat it on the snout with a crucifix. I am so not joking. The film concludes with a wholly ridiculous plan and multiple acts of bravery, and Kate and Paul finally putting us out of our misery by climbing onto the rocks of the island and waiting for the rescue helicopter which promptly shows up as the credits start to some truly awful music.
The DVD has a few extras, none of them good. There is a "Gag Reel" which consists of a couple of minutes of assorted clowning and bloopers. It may be the single lamest blooper reel I have ever seen. Don't waste your time. There are some trailers for this and other Asylum movies, and last but least, a "Making Of Featurette." This documentary interviews just about everyone including the costume designer (the "costumes" are shorts and bikinis...really, you needed a costume designer?) It goes without saying that this is pretty boring and self-congratulatory stuff. I was amused when they interviewed Brooke Hogan, the star of the show, that there was no audio of her answers. Nice bonus feature! Don't waste your time with this one either. I will save you the time by summing up: location shooting on water is difficult.
"2-Headed Shark Attack" is just another insane monster fish debacle from our friends at The Asylum, no more and no less. If you are looking for brainless B-movie hilarity, I suppose this could be a good choice. Most people will find the cast too obnoxious to endure for 90 minutes, though fans of the feminine form will likely be pleased. It's a given that it's a bad movie, but under the right circumstances, with the right group of people it could bring joy to fans of extraordinarily bad camp. If you want to see a good or a scary movie, though, this is not for you.