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Healing the Shame that Binds You: Recovery Classics Edition [Paperback]

John Bradshaw
4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (26 customer reviews)
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Book Description

Oct. 15 2005 Recovery Classics

This classic book, written 17 years ago but still selling more than 13,000 copies every year, has been completely updated and expanded by the author.

"I used to drink," writes John Bradshaw,"to solve the problems caused by drinking. The more I drank to relieve my shame-based loneliness and hurt, the more I felt ashamed."

Shame is the motivator behind our toxic behaviors: the compulsion, co-dependency, addiction and drive to superachieve that breaks down the family and destroys personal lives. This book has helped millions identify their personal shame, understand the underlying reasons for it, address these root causes and release themselves from the shame that binds them to their past failures.


Frequently Bought Together

Healing the Shame that Binds You: Recovery Classics Edition + Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child + Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem
Price For All Three: CDN$ 42.52


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Product Description

About the Author

John Bradshaw is a counselor, speaker and one of the leading voices of the recovery movement, especially inner child and family issues. His classic books include Healing the Shame that Binds You (1.3 million copies sold), Bradshaw on: The Family (1.2 million copies sold) and Homecoming (3 million copies sold).

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

PART I

The Problem—
Spiritual Bankruptcy

 

 

We have no imagination for Evil, but Evil has us in its grip.

—C. G. Jung


Introduction: Shame as Demonic (The Internalization Process)

    As I've delved deeper into the destructive power of toxic shame, I've come to see that it directly touches the age-old theological and metaphysical discussion generally referred to as the problem of evil. The problem of evil may be more accurately described as the mystery of evil. No one has ever explained the existence of evil in the world. Centuries ago in the Judeo-Christian West, evil was considered the domain of the Devil, or Satan, the fallen angel. Biblical scholars tell us that the idea of a purely evil being like the Devil or Satan was a late development in the Bible. In the book of Job, Satan was the heavenly district attorney whose job it was to test the faith of those who, like Job, were specially blessed.

    During the Persian conquest of the Israelites, the Satan of Job became fused with the Zoroastrian dualistic theology adopted by the Persians, where two opposing forces, one of good, Ahura Mazda, the Supreme Creator deity, was in a constant battle with Ahriman, the absolute god of evil. This polarized dualism was present in the theology of the Essenes and took hold in Christianity where God and his Son Jesus were in constant battle with the highest fallen angel, Satan, for human souls. This dualism persists today only in fundamentalist religions (Muslim terrorists, the Taliban, the extreme Christian Right and a major part of evangelical Christianity).

    The figure of Satan and the fires of hell have been demythologized by modern Christian biblical scholars, theologians and ­philosophers.

    The mystery of evil has not been dismissed by the demythologizing of the Devil. Rather, it has been intensified in the twentieth century by two world wars, Nazism, Stalinism, the genocidal regime of the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia, and the heinous and ruthless extermination of Tibetans and Tibetan Buddhism by Pol Pot. These reigns of evil form what has been called a collective shadow, and it has been shown how naïve and unconscious the people of the world have been in relation to these evils.

    The denial of evil seems to be a learned behavior. The idea of evil is always subject to denial as a coping mechanism.

    Evil is real and is a permanent part of the human condition. 'To deny that evil is a permanent affliction of humankind,' says the philosopher Ernst Becker in his book Escape from Evil, 'is perhaps the most dangerous kind of thinking.' He goes on to suggest that in denying evil, humans have heaped evil on the world. Historically, great misfortunes have resulted from humans, blinded by the full reality of evil, thinking they were doing good but dispensing miseries far worse than the evil they thought to eradicate. The Crusades during the Middle Ages and the Vietnam War are ­examples that come to mind.

    While demons, Satan and hellfire have been demythologized by any critically thinking person, the awesome collective power of evil remains. Many theologiams and psychologists refer to evil as the demonic in human life. They call us to personal wholeness and self-awareness, especially in relation to our own toxic shame or shadow, which goes unconscious and in hiding because it is so painful to bear. These men warn against duality and polarization. 'We must beware of thinking of Good and Evil as absolute opposites,' writes Carl Jung. Good and evil are potentials in every human being; they are halves of a paradoxical whole. Each represents a judgment, and 'we cannot believe that we will always judge rightly.'

    Nothing can spare us the torment of ethical decision. In the past, prior to the patriarchies of Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot, it was believed that moral evaluation was built and founded on the certitude of a moral code that pretended to know exactly what is good and what is evil. But now we know how any patriarchy, even religious ones, can make cruel and violent decisions. Ethical decision is an uncertain and ultimately a creative act. My new book on moral intelligence calls these patriarchies 'cultures of obedience,' and presents an ethics of virtues as a way to avoid such moral totalism. The Jews who killed their Nazi guards or SS troopers coming to search their homes are now considered ethically good, no matter what the absolutist moral code says about killing. There is a structure of evil that transcends the ­malice of any single individual. The Augustinian priest Gregory Baum was the man I first heard call it 'the demonic.'

    It can begin with the best of intentions, with a sincere belief that one is doing good and fighting to eradicate evil, as in the Vietnam War—but it ends with heinous evil. 'Life consists of achieving Good, not apart from Evil, but in spite of it,' says the psychologist Rollo May. There is no such thing as pure good in human affairs. Those who claim it are seriously deluded and will likely be the next perpetrators of evil.

    As I pointed out in the preface to this revised edition, the affect shame has the potential for the depths of human evil or the heights of human good. In this regard shame is demonic. 'The daimonic,' says the psychologist Steven A. Diamond, 'is any natural function which has the power to take over the whole person.' Shame is a natural feeling that, when allowed to function well, monitors a person's sense of excitement or pleasure. But when the feeling of shame is violated by a coercive and perfectionistic religion and culture—especially by shame-based source figures who mediate religion and culture—it becomes an all-embracing identity. A person with internalized shame believes he is inherently flawed, inferior and defective. Such a feeling is so painful that defending scripts (or strategies) are developed to cover it up. These scripts are the roots of violence, criminality, war and all forms of addiction.

    What I'll mainly describe in the first part of this book is how the affect shame can become the source of self-loathing, hatred of others, cruelty, violence, brutality, prejudice and all forms of destructive addictions. As an internalized identity, toxic shame is one of the major sources of the demonic in human life.

 

 

 

1

The Healthy Faces

of Shame (HDL Shame)

 

Everyone needs a sense of shame,
but no one needs to feel ashamed.

—Frederick Nietzsche

 

    Because of its preverbal origins, shame is difficult to define. It is a healthy human feeling that can become a true sickness of the soul. Just as there are two kinds of cholesterol, HDL (healthy) and LDL (toxic), so also are there two forms of shame: innate shame and toxic/life-destroying shame. When shame is toxic, it is an excruciatingly internal experience of unexpected exposure. It is a deep cut felt primarily from the inside. It divides us from ourselves and from others. When our feeling of shame becomes toxic shame, we disown ourselves. And this disowning demands a cover-up. Toxic shame parades in many garbs and get-ups. It loves darkness and secretiveness. It is the dark, secret aspect of shame that has evaded our study.

    Because toxic shame stays in hiding and covers itself up, we have to track it down by learning to recognize its many faces and its many distracting behavioral cover-ups.


SHAME AS A HEALTHY HUMAN FEELING


    The idea of shame as healthy seems foreign to English-speaking people because we have only one word for shame in English. To my knowledge, most other languages have at least two words for shame (see Figu...


Customer Reviews

Most helpful customer reviews
7 of 7 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Not an easy book to read Dec 1 2003
By A Customer
Format:Paperback
If any part of your childhood (or adult life) was or is dysfunctional, this is a must-read book. I wish I could tell everyone how important it is to get a book like this and read it until everything in your past and present begins to make sense. It took me a while to "get it," but now I see how important it is to understand that everyone in the family has to play certain roles to keep the dysfunctional family dysfunctionally functioning. When you read this book you'll understand why everything happened in your family the way it did. Thanks, John Bradshaw, for explaining the dysfunctional family so clearly - and showing how to change your life forever by healing the shame that binds you.
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5 of 5 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars More stars, please Aug. 6 2004
By A Customer
Format:Paperback
I love Bradshaw. He's really only a handful of people who tell it like it is and I credit him with changing my life for the better. As a man now in his forties, having grown up in the south, I know all too well about shame and what it does to the mind and body. Before I knew better, I would see movies and read books about individuals who had gone through difficult things, movies and books such as "Sybil" and "The Bark of the Dogwood," and think, "yeah? So?" only to realize years later that my point of reference was so far off that I couldn't determine what was "normal." Now, many years after therapy and working on myself, I can honestly recommend this wonderful book. If you're suffering and feel soul-sick, this is the book for you. Let the healing begin.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars retrieve your soul from hell Jan. 7 2002
Format:Paperback
it is no exaggeration to say this was the most helpful self-help book i've ever encountered. for a long time i was always a seeker but could never get to the bottom of the "soul sickness" i felt within my deepest sense of self. i was operating under the general theory my soul had been stolen from me in my early childhood. i could never feel right about who and what i was as a person. this book truly opened my inner eye and gave me the insights and tools to take that mythical inner journey into my own "underworld" and find and retrieve my soul. after many years of depression, divorces, alcoholism, feeling absolutely defective as a human being, this wonderful book brought tears to my eyes, light to my mind, and true healing to my heart. i feel now i am a completely differant person than i was during those years of toxic shame hell. while the growth is still ongoing, the light and growth of self esteem i've found are sure and precious treasures "the universe" , [ God? ] has blessed me with. if your life seems depressing and out of control and sad; please read and reread this masterful work of self exploration. it can save you from much shame and pain. if you are as toxically shame based as i was, this book could very well save your life and engender a new feeling in your heart and soul: peace and happiness!
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Marginally better than "Bradshaw On: The Family:" Sept. 16 2001
By Ms Diva
Format:Paperback
I actually wanted to give it 3 1/2 stars, but as that isn't an option, I chose to round up, because the book does have alot of good points.
The first part of the book describes what toxic shame is, how it comes about, and how it impacts people. Much of this section of the book is a shorter, clearer, more well written version of the material presented in "Bradshaw On: The Family." My only concern about this section is that the author seems to imply that every single problem everyone has is rooted in toxic shame, which seems simplistic at best.
The second section is a series of techniques on how to cope with and alter one's toxic shame. Again, Bradshaw sings the praises of 12 step support groups and does not really get into the arguments that say such groups are not effective on their own, for most people. His unwillingness to answer his critics is disconcerting; he seems to be hiding. The techniques range from meditation to cognitive behavioural techniques. I found that some of the meditations could be difficult at best and harmful at worst for a person doing them alone. These are meditations he has done in groups, where he was there to monitor if people were being triggered. I think people trying them alone, without the supervision of a qualified professional, could bring up stuff they can't cope with. The other techniques seem safer and easier to use on one's own.
In terms of the book as an overall whole, as usual, Bradshaw seems to write from a place of victimhood, which is discouraging. As well, he still uses too much personal examples The stories sometime distract from the text and seems self-aggrandizing rather than being the appropriate self-disclosure some therapists will use. I often wondered, "What does this have to do with anything?
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Will You Love and Accept Yourself for Doing That? March 27 2002
Format:Paperback
This is a powerful question to ask youself, and those around you, in the face of self-defeating thoughts and comments.
I thought I had converted every shame-wound from my childhood into empowering habits, ones that guide me to solve my biggest problems ---until I reread this book.
The first time that I read this book, 7 years ago, I was so glad to have a name for the shame-wounds that I kept recreating in every aspect of my life.
And once I had a great definition, and many examples of how I not only experienced shame, but also recreated it, I taught myself to respond to my experiences, instead of reacting to them.
But what was missing, in all of these years was someone to mirror my evolved self.
John Bradshaw points out that we who have come from a shame-based childhood need a circle of people who mirror are needs, wants and beliefs, because it was people, our primary caretakers, who passed on to us their disowned shame.
Even though I have read so many books, and have evolved so much, I have had the opportunity to recognize in rereading this book that I need to be witnessed by a circle of people, which I will call my adult family -- without that recognition we all stagnate.
Years ago, I couldn't phathom joining such a group, for 3 reasons:
1. I have no chemical dependencies;
2. I feared that baring my soul to a body of strangers would
mean that I would be permanently humiliated and ashamed;
and,
3. I didn't recognize my need to heal my financial wounds.
Well. Thanks to this book I have found that courage to be more visible to a group who positively contributes to part of my journey.
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Most recent customer reviews
3.0 out of 5 stars Healing
Haven't totally finished and not as easy as otherbooks read. Sure once finished I will learn more!

Thansk you for your concern
Published 6 months ago by Dianne
5.0 out of 5 stars Inspirational
For me John Bradshaw has been a positive influence, opening my eyes to my family dynamics and helping me with counselling my clients. Read more
Published 10 months ago by Ronald C. Peterson
4.0 out of 5 stars Healing the Shame
This is a hard book to read but is well worth it. It's a great starting point and gives great advice.
Published 12 months ago by Jamie Green
5.0 out of 5 stars Powerful!!
Healing The Shame That Binds You - is for those of you who are ready to take an honest look at the way shame has affected every aspect of your life. Read more
Published on July 16 2009 by From me to you
3.0 out of 5 stars Shame is shame
When the author describes the damage of shame he is right on. However, he describes shame as a normal healthy emotion. It is not. Read more
Published on May 27 2003
5.0 out of 5 stars Stars Come and Go, But Bradshaw Still Shines!
Even though John Bradshaw's star has waned and has been replaced by Dr. Phil's stardom (a good behavioral therapist), "Healing the Shame That Binds You" remains a classic "Know... Read more
Published on May 25 2003 by American Gadfly
4.0 out of 5 stars Taking the healing process to the next level.
Healing The Shame That Binds You is an integral read for anyone going through a recovery process. The concept of shame is intangible and esoteric, which makes this book a harder... Read more
Published on April 1 2003 by Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Ready to change?
If I could read only one book of this type, this would be the one. The first half of the book helps you uncover how much shame is threaded throughout your existence and day to day... Read more
Published on July 21 2002 by "ebmccauley"
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