House of the Dead

 

 

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Uwe Boll is a director who pushes the boundaries, and makes viewers ask themselves serious questions. Specifically, he pushes the boundaries of just how wretched a movie can be, and makes viewers ask, "Why is this guy allowed anywhere near a camera?"

"House of the Dead" is the perfect example of this, as the first of Boll's still-going stream of video-game adaptations. Put simply, this movie is a perfect example of everything that is wrong in video-game adaptations, zombie movies, and trashy action movies in general.

A gang of twentysomethings are planning the Rave of the Century, and for some inexplicable reason, they decide to have it on a remote island called the Island of the Dead (ooh, foreshadowing! Subtle!). The boatman warns a gathering of eight young people that they are all utterly doomed, but when they show him the money, he takes them anyway.

But when they get to the rave site, they find that someone has wrecked it and is presumably lurking nearby -- and they find a mysterious house in the woods. Of course, they go inside. And then they are attacked by hordes of zombies, who are at the beck and call of an evil creature living in the House of the Dead -- an immortal conquistador. (Oooookaaayyyy....)

No, it doesn't make sense, and it never STARTS making sense. You know a movie is doomed when it doesn't make sense from the get-go. Why would they host a rave at a campsite... on a remote island... with only a few people? That's pretty brainless, even for a low-rent game-adaptation/zombie flick. But sadly, the illogic isn't the worst thing about it. Boll is.

To be honest, Boll could not have made a worse movie if he had tried. He inserts bits of the video game, seemingly at random, and tries to make up for the limp plot with lots of Matrixy slow-motion and spinning camerawork. If that doesn't make you sick to your stomach, the dialogue will: "You did all this to become immortal. Why?" "To live forever!"

And the action scenes are the worst -- not a single fight looks real, and the zombies are distinctly unscary. At times it reminded me of King Arthur's fight with the dismembered, blood-spurty black knight... except Boll is utterly serious. He's also serious when he has our spoiled brats suddenly turn into hardened swordsmen, capable of defeating an ancient conquistador.

Want a decent zombie movie? Try the wittier cult movies by people like Peter Jackson and Edgar Wright. "House of the Dead" isn't witty -- it's witless, from start to finish.

Uwe Boll is a director who pushes the boundaries, and makes viewers ask themselves serious questions. Specifically, he pushes the boundaries of just how wretched a movie can be, and makes viewers ask, "Why is this guy allowed anywhere near a camera?"

"House of the Dead" is the perfect example of this, as the first of Boll's still-going stream of video-game adaptations. Put simply, this movie is a perfect example of everything that is wrong in video-game adaptations, zombie movies, and trashy action movies in general. And despite the label, the funniest thing about this edition is that Boll thinks he can salvage this disaster.

A gang of twentysomethings are planning the Rave of the Century, and for some inexplicable reason, they decide to have it on a remote island called the Island of the Dead (ooh, foreshadowing! Subtle!). The boatman warns a gathering of eight young people that they are all utterly doomed, but when they show him the money, he takes them anyway.

But when they get to the rave site, they find that someone has wrecked it and is presumably lurking nearby -- and they find a mysterious house in the woods. Of course, they go inside. And then they are attacked by hordes of zombies, who are at the beck and call of an evil creature living in the House of the Dead -- an immortal conquistador. (Oooookaaayyyy....)

No, it doesn't make sense, and it never STARTS making sense. You know a movie is doomed when it doesn't make sense from the get-go. Why would they host a rave at a campsite... on a remote island... with only a few people? That's pretty brainless, even for a low-rent game-adaptation/zombie flick. But sadly, the illogic isn't the worst thing about it. Boll is.

To be honest, Boll could not have made a worse movie if he had tried. He inserts bits of the video game, seemingly at random, and tries to make up for the limp plot with lots of Matrixy slow-motion and spinning camerawork. If that doesn't make you sick to your stomach, the dialogue will: "You did all this to become immortal. Why?" "To live forever!"

And the action scenes are the worst -- not a single fight looks real, and the zombies are distinctly unscary. At times it reminded me of King Arthur's fight with the dismembered, blood-spurty black knight... except Boll is utterly serious. He's also serious when he has our spoiled brats suddenly turn into hardened swordsmen, capable of defeating an ancient conquistador.

As for this edition, you know it must be a spectacularly worthless pile of tripe if the studio acknowledges that a horror movie can only work as supposedly "sidesplitting" comedy. Specifically, it would work as a full length episode for MT3K, with all the mockery they can muster.

Unfortunately putting out a mildly edited "Funny version"/director's cut shows that they have no idea why the original was so funny -- it was because the people involved were all dead serious, and no amount of after-the-fact adjustments can change it into "Shaun of the Dead" or "Dead Alive." It apparently has different takes, cut dialogue, pop-up commentary, and even more footage spliced in from the original game -- which is like putting a band-aid over a bazooka-related injury.

Want a decent zombie movie? Try the wittier cult movies by people like Peter Jackson and Edgar Wright. "House of the Dead" isn't witty -- it's witless, from start to finish.

I gotta say a lot of people hate Uwe Boll,I looked it up on the internet one day and saw the thing to sign to make him stop doing movies, when I saw it I just laughed!I don't know much about house of the dead, but I liked the movie, story, especially the action which I thought was cool so overall I enjoyed every bit of it.

The thing is if you like Uwe Boll check out his movies if not?Stay away from them and stop complaining!

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1.0 out of 5 stars Not even a good bad movie...
To be honest there isn't much there to talk about.
The characters were flat, the effects were cheese and theres even a scene where you can see the spring board that a zombie... Read more

Published on Aug 5 2004 by YUK review

3.0 out of 5 stars "Not too BAD"
I thought this movie was some what realistic and seeing how the directo said he had certain zombies run and others kind of slack behind based on the time of death, so that was a... Read more

Published on July 18 2004 by CloseToACorpse

1.0 out of 5 stars Yo, Eddie Fender... What's your problem man?!
Simply, this "movie" sucks. Whoever actually thinks it's cool must have a mental problem. This "thing" basically is a disgrace. Read more

Published on July 16 2004

3.0 out of 5 stars Good Bad Horror Movie
The $2.24 price tag and 195 bad reviews convinced me that this was the flick for me. Being the consumate horror fan that I am, I actually enjoy some of Hollywood's more feeble... Read more

Published on July 14 2004 by Emile Pinsonneault

1.0 out of 5 stars I wish I could give this dog a negative star or 15 negatives
Because one star is much too high a rating for this bomb.It was so bad I dont know where to start.The movie was bad enough but all during the thing scenes from the video game were... Read more

Published on July 12 2004 by mark

1.0 out of 5 stars HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Basically the other nearly two hundred reviews sum this up. Im only adding to it cause i need to vent my feelings on this movie some where. Read more

Published on July 9 2004 by miktek

2.0 out of 5 stars Very Badly Executed
This movie is based upon a successful computer game, bits of which are edified into the film at various sections to underline the point. Read more

Published on July 9 2004 by Chris

1.0 out of 5 stars This was Horrible
This movie hasn't even finished playing yet, and I just have to write this review.

This movie is god awful, there is not one single redeeming quality to this movie. Read more

Published on July 9 2004 by M. R. McDonald

3.0 out of 5 stars Saving Graces ...
As a true fan of horror movies, this is a difficult movie to enjoy. The script seems cut and pasted from any other number of scripts, the zombie mythology is hardly such, and the... Read more

Published on July 5 2004 by Nick

4.0 out of 5 stars HOUSE OF THE DEAD
THIS MOVIE WASNT UR TIPICAL ZOMBIE MOVIE. AND I LIKE THAT. THE OMBIES RUN INSTEAD OF WALK. THE ONLY THING IS BAD BOUT THIS IS THAT ITS MORE OF AN ACTION HORROR TYPE WHICHISNT THAT... Read more

Published on July 3 2004 by ericswrongturn

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