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House Rules: A Memoir [Deckle Edge] [Paperback]

Rachel Sontag
4.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (2 customer reviews)
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Book Description

Mar 24 2009 0385664753 978-0385664752
A compelling, at times horrifying work that is impossible to put down, House Rules will stand beside Running With Scissors and The Glass Castle as a memoir that cracks open the shell of a desperately dysfunctional family with impressive grace and humour.

Rachel Sontag grew up the daughter of a well-liked doctor in an upper middle class suburb of Chicago. The view from outside couldn’t have been more perfect. But within the walls of the family home, Rachel’s life was controlled and indeed terrorized by her father’s serious depression. In prose that is both precise and rich, Rachel’s childhood experience unfolds in a chronological recounting that shows how her father became more and more disturbed as Rachel grew up.

A visceral and wrenching exploration of the impact of a damaged psyche on those nearest to him, House Rules will keep you reading even when you most wish you could look away.

In the middle of the night, Dad sent Mom to wake me. In my pajamas, I sat across from them in the living room.

I was sure Grandma had died and I remember deciding to stay strong when Dad told me.

“What did you say to her?” he asked. His elbows rested in his lap.

“What do you mean?”

“You spent a good half hour alone in that hospital room. What did you talk about?”

“I don’t know, Dad”

“What do you mean, you don’t know? You know. You know exactly what you talked to her about.”

“You talked about me, Rachel.”

“No. I didn’t.”

“To my own mother?”

. . . .

I wondered how he’d been with Mom, how she’d missed the signs. He couldn’t have just turned crazy all of a sudden. I wondered if his own father had infected him with anger. But mostly, I wanted to know what he saw in me that caused him to break up inside. Was it in my being born or in my growing up?
--from House Rules


From the Hardcover edition.

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Product Description

From Publishers Weekly

Sontag, a doctor's daughter, grew up in a family that seemed every bit the normal, suburban ideal. She and her sister were raised to value book smarts as well as worldly experience. What those outside of the family didn't know was that the reason Sontag was so accomplished and committed to her extracurricular activities was that she would've done anything to get away from her father, Stephen. By enforcing a peculiar system of rules and consequences, he micromanaged every moment of her life, tape-recording her conversations, measuring the length of her fingernails and locking all the phones in a safe when he left the house. When Sontag broke the rules, regardless of circumstance, he would verbally abuse her for hours, dictating letters of apology from her to him (I am a selfish, rotten, worthless brat, etc.). Sontag's mother, Ellen, reneged on plans to divorce him for years, perhaps partly because Stephen prescribed her into complacency with lithium. In adulthood, Sontag found herself caught in self-defeating patterns that smacked of her father's thrall. Struggling to break free, she even resorted to homelessness before finally severing her relationship with Stephen. Sontag's is a brave account, not only of what it's like to take the brunt of an abusive parent's wrath, but of what it means to have the courage to leave. (Apr.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Review

"Sontag's lean writing captures the tension — the feeling of family as prison. Each time an outside observer recognizes her father's manipulative cruelty, the reader feels a little surge of hope. Get out of there, Rachel! Get out!" —Los Angeles Times

"As Sontag makes clear in her searing memoir, emotional abuse can be as devastating, as cruel, as the most severe physical and sexual maltreatment....What is remarkable and inspiring is that Sontag emerged from the situation a stronger person." —San Francisco Chronicle

"Sontag's is a brave account, not only of what it's like to take the brunt of an abusive parent's wrath, but of what it means to have the courage to leave." —Publishers Weekly


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Most helpful customer reviews
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars House Rules July 16 2010
Format:Paperback
Enjoyable book - it was appalling to read how Rachel was treated by her both her parents, not just her father. And, the hot and cold nature of his treatment of her left you wondering just what he could possibly do next. It's a great, disturbing story yet also strangely satisfying as you read how Rachel overcame the mental/emotional abuse inflicted by her father.
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4.0 out of 5 stars Amazing story of overcoming a sad upbringing Jun 14 2011
By MD TOP 1000 REVIEWER
Format:Paperback
This is an amazing story of how the author overcame a verbally and emotionally abusive upbringing by an overly controlling father (and a weak and passive mother). Yes, she grew up in your average upper-middle class household - but this is what makes it more jaw-dropping. And as I read this, I thought of friends and acquaintances I knew growing up, who had seemingly normal lives and affluent-enough parents - but who still seemed to be the "odd" ones in the neighbourhood. I could never quite pinpoint what it would be like to grow up in those households, but knew something was off. Families like this really do exist, and after reading this story, I felt that I had some insights into the less than perfect families that put on a good face. Sontag amazes me with her ability to grow past this. While the writing style was a bit disjointed at times, I think it's hardly fair to rate this story on that alone. The story is a worthy read.
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews on Amazon.com (beta)
Amazon.com: 4.1 out of 5 stars  73 reviews
27 of 28 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Compelling and Intense May 9 2008
By K. McPherson - Published on Amazon.com
Rachel has written a deeply personal and heart-wrenching account of her childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood. It isn't a "poor me" sob story, rather a truthful and self aware memoir. We're lucky to be able to read it, and I look forward to more from this talented author.
23 of 24 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars A powerful and insightful story on family dynamics Jun 5 2008
By Bearman - Published on Amazon.com
Rachel Sontag's story of her controlling and mentally abusive father initially only scratches the surface of how crushing and devastating one person's behavior can be on an entire family. But over years, it becomes more and more obvious that whether or not intentional, his behavior fractured and ultimately shattered the family dynamic. He affected not just his personal relationships with family members, but the relationships that his wife and daughters had with each other. "House Rules" is a book about the strength of overcoming such a negative environment and discovering that growing up can provide us the freedom we need to explore self-identity. A great read.
40 of 45 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars The long shadows of the terror at home May 3 2008
By Paul Allaer - Published on Amazon.com
When I saw the inner-flap of this book, I got a sense of dread, yet I also felt compelled to pick this up. Indeed, the topic of this book, namely how a control-obsessed father "ruled" this family of 4 (wife and 2 daughters) is the stuff that you simply can't make up.

In "House Rules" (272 pages) first-time author Rachel Sontag shares what it was like growing up the oldest daughter in a family where Dad for whatever reason had this impulse to control every aspect of life of his wife and 2 daughters, into the extreme, and Mom simply stood by and did very little or nothing about it. The author shares an anecdote in which Mom pretends to be going around the house to feed the dog but instead sneaks into Rachel's bedroom. "'Dad is recording your phone calls. You might want to watch what you say.' I closed my eyes for a moment, in the hopes that I was imagining her standing there in my bedroom. [...] I sat up in bed. 'DO YOU SEE IT'S SICK YOU HAVE TO TELL ME THIS?' I asked. Mom held her fingers to her lips, shut my bedroom door." Wow.... And that is just one of many, many instances that the author relays to us in this painful-to-read memoir.

The sad thing is that the author bears the psychological scars of this for the rest of her life, of course exemplified by the very fact that she feels compelled to write about it, all these years later. Indeed, in the "Acknowledgments", the author ends the book with this: "Love and thanks to my entire family. I know this subject is personal, I just didn't know how to live without sharing it". The long shadows of a very painful past...
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