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From Publishers Weekly
"Conventional therapy has failed most couples," Real writes, and with over 20 years of marriage and family counseling experience, he's qualified to judge. Though traditional marital counseling has been prevalent for 30 years, divorce rates remain the same, and studies show that counseling has no lasting effect on either marital satisfaction or endurance. The author of I Don't Want to Talk About It, the national bestseller on male depression, Real is attuned to the characteristics of contemporary marriages and demonstrates insight into both male and female perspectives. The fundamental problem, he argues, is American culture's deeply entrenched "psychological patriarchy," which devalues all things feminine (including healthy relationships) and wounds males at an early age by disconnecting them from themselves and others. Men can't relate, and women can't teach them how ("If a wife truly demands that her emotional needs be met, she may indeed put her marriage on the line"). Counseling, too, fails them both in a "collusion of silence" as to what's really wrong. Real's alternative is "relational recovery." Identifying a healthy marriage as one following the repeated pattern of "harmony, disharmony, and restoration," Real teaches five skills for accomplishing the crucial, ongoing task of repair: holding the relationship in high regard, preserving intimacy and relational (i.e., authentically connected) speaking, listening and negotiating. With numerous scenes from his therapy sessions including quarrels most married couples will recognize Real deftly shows readers how to transcend "our culture's anti-relational bias" and move "out of patriarchy into healthy relatedness." This is a well-balanced and exciting new addition to the marriage-manual genre. Agent, Beth Vesel. (Jan.)Forecast: This breakthrough handbook should cause a stir in the marriage guidance field, with its acknowledgement of counseling's failings and exposing of what Real considers unhealthy fundamental American cultural values.
Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.
--This text refers to the Hardcover edition.From Library Journal
Two veteran family therapists have each written an excellent book on communication between partners. The author of I Don't Want To Talk About It, Real analyzes the reasons why men and women don't speak the same emotional language: boys' emotional relationships are squelched early on by peers, siblings, and fathers, whereas women learn to accommodate. Written with couples' therapy dramatizations, Real's book demonstrates his five relational skills: how to hold the relationship in regard, how to speak, how to listen, how to negotiate, and how to stay on course. Real, who is often called upon to arbitrate between couples as a last resort, is excellent at showing how couples can uncover hidden issues from the past and begin healing. The author of How To SayR It to Your Kids, Coleman takes a workbook approach to marriage therapy. He opens with six questions to which the couple must answer "happy" or "unhappy." He then explains his GIFTS technique in conversations: be Gentle, fix arguments with In-flight repairs, Find hidden concerns, use Teamwork, and reassure with Supportive comments. Each chapter begins with a scenario and continues with short tips under the "Have you heard?" heading, followed by "How to say it" and "How not to say it" and ending with "How to say it to yourself." Since chapter layouts are the same, the reader can easily pick out a problem area and read the two- to three-page chapter. Some topics include encouraging more conversation, rigid vs. flexible personalities, pregnancy, and cybersex. As popular marriage therapy manuals, these books are both suitable for public libraries and medical collections. The Coleman title is easier to use for a quick "fix," but Real's theories about men and women and how to take care of a marriage, though challenging, may prove more fruitful. Lisa Wise, Broome Cty. P.L., Binghamton, NY
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.
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First Sentence
Women marry men hoping they will change. Read the first page
Front Cover | Copyright | Table of Contents | Excerpt | Index | Back Cover
Women marry men hoping they will change. Read the first page
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Front Cover | Copyright | Table of Contents | Excerpt | Index | Back Cover
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Most helpful customer reviews
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars
A Psychotherapeutic Work of Mastery!,
By The Aeolian Kid "the-aeolian-kid" (WAMESIT) - See all my reviews
This review is from: How Can I Get Through to You?: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women (Paperback)
... Terrence Real has written a psychotherapeutic work of mastery with HOW CAN I GET THROUGH TO YOU. The book is steeped in psychological wisdom and hard-earned knowledge gained through years of real-life experience working with couples as a counseling psychotherapist, helping people who need help with their relationships. ... This is no simple self-help book, self-actualization preppie, or book of sad-sob stories for the sentimental-hearted. ... NO! ... This book REEKS of REALISTIC examples of REAL-LIFE STORIES of people who have suffered great pain - in and out of relationships - and who have been helped by Terry Real's no-nonsense approach to relationship recovery and repair. ... His last name is not Real for nothing!... Terry gives us some very helpful, psychological working-tools to use in our relationships in order to help us focus on REPAIR . The book is ripe with them on almost every page. Here is a perfect example from page 242: "If someone voices discomfort about something, particularly if it's about you, her primary interest rarely lies in learning about your side of things. This is a point that is just as relevant to businesspeople as to marital partners. When someone is addressing difficult issues, more often than not her primary interest will be her concerns, not yours. When we listen relationally, we place ourselves at the service of the speaker. While it's seldom voiced, the truth is that the person you're listening to really doesn't care all that much at the moment about you one way or the other. She wants to know if you care about her. Do you get to come back with an explanation, how things "really were"? Well, perhaps sometime later. After you've addressed her concerns, you can provide your ideas about what happened. But ask yourself if that is really necessary, and even if it is, begin with solicitation - scan for a response that furthers repair." ... I could go on quoting from EVERY PAGE of this great book, but it would be unecessary. Suffice it to say, this is one of the greatest books I have read in my life - and I have read far over a 1000. It is not just informative; it is intrinsically HELPFUL and INSTRUCTIVE in very positive ways. It teaches you ways to act and react - and even more importantly, how NOT to react - when you find yourself in the middle of a serious conversation with the one you love. I learned so much from this book, I now want to buy Terry's first book and read that one, too! ... Also, the stories he includes in each chapter - as he weaves his wisdom between passages pertaining to people he has helped - are not just interesting. They draw you in and captivate you! You will be moved to tears - and laughter - while reading this book. ... YOWZA! - The Aeolian KId
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars
Real reads like a great novel - you can't put it down.,
By
This review is from: How Can I Get Through to You?: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women (Hardcover)
Where was this book when I was in marriage counseling in the 70's? My husband and I were drinking and never, not once, did our therapist ask us if we had any addictions. Take away the alcohol and you're left with the depressed couple who have no clue how to talk to each other, let alone repair any day-to-day damage they have inflicted on their relationship. I found myself highlighting page after page saying to myself "Oh my God, this is me and my partner. Now I get it." This book is to be read slowly and carefully so you can understand, for the first time in your life, what is going on. Don't get married without it.
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars
THIS BOOK MAY HAVE SAVED MY MARRIAGE!!,
By Elizabeth (MA United States) - See all my reviews
This review is from: How Can I Get Through to You?: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women (Hardcover)
I have read everything out there to try and salvage an eighteen year relationship. I saw myself and my husband on every page of this book. It was amazing. For the first time I understood what was going on and why it has been so hard to talk to each other. I gave this book to my husband and insisted that we read it together and we actually talked about it.This is the smartest book on couples I have ever read. It explains why so many men and women have so much trouble. It's full of ideas about how to make it better. The stories made me laugh and sometimes even cry, like a good novel. I loved every minute of it. And it's just brimming over with casual comments that are so profound. Like this - "The great paradox of intimacy is that in order to sustain closeness we have to be capable of bearing solitude inside the relationship." Or what Terry calls, "normal marital hatred." There are a million of these. I honestly can say I'd like to see everyone who wants their relationship to work to read this. It should be passed out along with marriage licenses. It is far and away the best thing I have ever found. Thank you!
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