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How You Can Survive When They're Depressed: Living and Coping with Depression Fallout [Paperback]

Anne Sheffield , Mike Wallace , Donald F. Klein M.D.
4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (27 customer reviews)
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Book Description

May 18 1999
Each year more than 17 million Americans suffer from a depressive illness, yet few suffer in solitude. How You Can Survive When They're Depressed explores depression from the perspective of those who are closest to the sufferers of this prevalent disorder--spouses, parents, children, and lovers--and gives the successful coping strategies of many people who live with a clinical depressive or manic-depressive and often suffer in silence, believing their own problems have no claim to attention.

Depression fallout is the emotional toll on the depressive's family and close friends who are unaware of their own stressful reactions and needs. Sheffield outlines the five stages of depression fallout: confusion, self-doubt, demoralization, anger, and finally, the desire to escape. Many people will find relief in the knowledge that their self-blame, guilt, sadness, and resentment are a natural result of living with a depressed person.
        
Sheffield brings together many real-life examples from the pioneering support group she attends at Beth Israel Medical Center of how people with depression fallout have learned to cope. From setting boundaries to maintaining an outside social life, she gives practical tactics for handling the challenges and emotional stresses on a day-to-day basis.

Frequently Bought Together

How You Can Survive When They're Depressed: Living and Coping with Depression Fallout + Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the Bond + Talking to Depression: Simple Ways To Connect When Someone In Your LifeIs Depressed: Simple Ways To Connect When Someone In Your Life Is Depressed
Price For All Three: CDN$ 39.72


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Product Description

From Amazon

"Depression fallout" is the emotional upheaval suffered by the friends and family members of someone who's depressed. Because at any given time, 17 million Americans are suffering from depression, there's a huge number of people suffering from this, says author Anne Sheffield, the daughter of a depressive. She compassionately recalls situations discussed in her support group at New York City's esteemed Beth Israel Hospital to illustrate how "co-sufferers" can successfully cope with their grief, confusion, guilt, and reduced self-esteem.

One of the most overlooked yet thoroughly damaged lots of depression fallout victims, she says, are the toddlers and children of depressed mothers. Children with behavioral problems at home and in school may be struggling for attention they don't get from a depressed parent. She writes, "Although a depressed parent of either sex creates problems for a child, the bulk of the research on parental depression and its effects on young children has zeroed in on the mother, because she is the center of a young child's existence: the primary nurturer, teacher, and emotional and social contact. Ideally, a mother is a good listener, communicator, and problem solver; authoritative without being authoritarian; warm and consistent; and tolerant and patient. Mothers in the grip of depression are often just the opposite: harsh, critical, impatient, irritable, and unaffectionate. And because one in every four women will suffer serious depression at some time in her life--more often than not, right in the middle of her prime childbearing years of twenty-five to thirty-five--the research findings are applicable to a very substantial number of children."

Without being flippant, Sheffield inserts bits of humor into the book. She describes what she calls "sticky-flypaper depressives" as those who blame themselves for everything and anything that has ever gone wrong, whether it be a relationship, or, as one psychiatrist recalled from one patient's session, "the bad Broadway season of 1947." She also gives a thorough analysis of the many causes of depression, illustrates the five stages of depression fallout, and considers the benefits and downfalls of psychotherapy and how a fallout victim may be affected by it. Sheffield offers reassuring advice on how fallout victims can defuse stress and rebuild their self-esteem and social lives, abundant resources and references for support groups and informational organizations, and an extensive list of medications commonly used for the treatment of mental disorders. No matter what the age or relationship of the fallout victim, How You Can Survive When They're Depressed will prove to be a much-needed dose of sympathy. --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

Review

"Anne Sheffield has guided me to fresh recognitions of myself . . . I wish we'd had this book decades ago."        
--Rose Styron

Inside This Book (Learn More)
First Sentence
AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT, APPROXIMATELY 17 million Americans are suffering from a depressive illness. Read the first page
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Front Cover | Copyright | Table of Contents | Excerpt | Index
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Customer Reviews

Most helpful customer reviews
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Warning April 16 2000
By A Customer
Format:Paperback
I purchased this book for my husband to better understand my problem with depression. After reading these great reviews, I was very hopeful that the book would help him understand and be more compassionate. But quite the contrary happened. It created a monster, my husband became very uncaring, insensitive and hateful. Only concerned with his fallout problem, and no long caring ennough to love me through my depression. After reading the book, my husband concluded that he is at no fault for the problems in our marriage, and because Anne Sheffield says that he doesn't have to "put up" with my depression, and that he is to "walk away" when we are having a discussion whenever he feels like it, it leaves the depressed person even more depressed. Since he has read this book it has totally devestated our marriage, and he has told me he is leaving me and wants a divorce. Because, Anne implies that many marriages wont withstand depression, he doesn't want to even try anymore. She did a good job of describing the depressed person. However, what I didn't like was that it was all one sided. The responses from the "fallout" victims, were just that, only from the "fallout" victims. What caused the depressed person to react the way they did. One guy on his wedding night was shut out. Did he possibly do something that caused that reaction from his wife. Did he say something or do something inexcusable that made her say "don't touch me". These things we'll never know. Obviously this book has been very helpful for the fallouts, but what effect has it had on the depressed? On me, it feels like it has literally ruined my life.
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5.0 out of 5 stars A great source of support and comfort July 8 2002
By Dawn
Format:Paperback
A couple years ago, my depressed boyfriend and I were having lots of trouble in our relationship. I was reading reviews for different books on the subject when I came across this one. I read a review by a woman who said this book helped her realize that her husband was still in there somewhere, hidden by the depression. I started crying right at my desk and I knew I had to get this book. This book helps you understand how your partner's depression affects you. I didn't realize how much damage it had done to my self-esteem to be around someone who suffered from depression. It just eats away at you and hurts you in ways that you wouldn't even think of. After reading this, it made sense why we were having so many problems and made our efforts to work on these problems much more fruitful. You have to know the ways their depression has affected you before you can start making it better. That relationship is over now but I am doing very well and I give credit to what I learned in this book.
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5.0 out of 5 stars Invaluable Comfort Feb. 9 2001
By A Customer
Format:Paperback
There are a zillion books out there about depression, and I'd bet nearly all of them are being bought by people who are desperately trying to help someone they love. "Here Honey, it says if you eat right..." and "Sweetie, they say exercise can do a lot of good..." and "Mom, there are a lot of medicines now that could help you..."
People who love a depressed person spend an enormous amount of energy trying to bridge a chasm to bring help to their loved one. Meanwhile they suffer isolation, rejection, critisism, self-doubt, frustration, and terrible worry and stress. Worse, every book they read urges them to put all their needs aside, to lower their standards to rock bottom, to be continually more understanding of their loved-ones limitations. Often they're not even mentioned at all.
Anne Sheffield's book is a fantastic support and relief for these caregivers. She acknowleges the toll this illness takes on family members, and she offers them compassion and a sense of community. By respecting their frustration, she helps open the door to a more constructive sort of understanding of depressive illness and how it affects the family.
This book has helped me build a life with my depressed partner that is healthy for us both, a place where I can deal with this illness without giving up my happiness. It has helped me trust my instincts, set boundaries, campaign for change and keep my love alive even when I'm angry. Through me, it has helped my partner seek better medical help, treat the family better and feel more secure that we'll still be there tomorrow.
If your hunt for answers has left you feeling like you're out in the cold alone, this book is for you.
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By A Customer
Format:Hardcover
The American Psychiatric Association, in its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, offers the "official" list of symptoms of depression.
Anne Sheffield makes a significant contribution to the field of mental health when she spells out the "unofficial" list of symptoms: the "clinical" presentation of a depressive disorder is not necessarily the same as the "behind closed doors" presentation.
In his Foreword, TV journalist Mike Wallace (who is open about his own depression) acknowledges that "there is no way properly to describe the anguish that a depressive can put his family through." Anne Sheffield points out that the depressed person may be self-absorbed, quarrelsome, and critical at home "but charming in public."
While depression is often thought of as deep sadness, the author debunks the stereotype of people with depressive illness as "passive bundles of misery." There are some people with depression who do fit that description, but depression comes in varying degrees and with different combinations of symptoms (both official and "unofficial"). Many of us who have lived with a depressive have seen that a generalized negativity may be much more prominent than any sadness, and that the negativity is often targeted at us.
A must-read for anyone who knows a loved one has depression, for those who suspect a loved one might have it, and for doctors and other clinicians who would do well to learn how to recognize some of the more subtle forms of depression, which can be just as devastating as the "passive bundle of misery" form of the disorder.
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Most recent customer reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Anne Sheffield is a lifesaver
I've learnt so much about depression from this book. Coping strategies, what medications are available and how they work, and their side-effects, and most importantly that I'm not... Read more
Published on Feb. 11 2004 by L. KEMP
5.0 out of 5 stars Revised review:Anne's book is so special.
I have been re-reading Anne's book:"How To Survive When They're Depressed",it is wonderful. Read more
Published on Jan. 25 2004 by Marc Bernstein
4.0 out of 5 stars Very helpful in getting me through a difficult time
After living with a depressed partner for 3 years, I was at my wits' end about the lethargy, the crying, the emotional distancing. Read more
Published on Jan. 21 2004 by LMo
2.0 out of 5 stars Dissapointment
I bought this boyfreind for the man I will be marrying; to help him understand his role in my clinical depression. This book is AWFUL. Read more
Published on March 9 2003 by Aimee
2.0 out of 5 stars Leaves alot to be desired!! Nothing to help sons.
This book leaves alot to be desired!! There is little or nothing to help sons or brothers of depressed sisters and mothers!! Read more
Published on Dec 15 2002 by Marc Bernstein
1.0 out of 5 stars A depressed view of depression
The author has an obvious slant for using medication as a quick solution. Supporting the pharmaceutical industry for a life time and giving up sex is not what I call healing. Read more
Published on March 25 2002
5.0 out of 5 stars WOW!
Anne lays out in strightforward terms a plan for how to stand your ground and get the peace of mind for yourself and help for your loved one. Read more
Published on Sept. 23 2001
5.0 out of 5 stars Best of its genre
As the mother of a depressed adult woman, I've read several books in an attempt to understand what SHE is dealing with, and how it is affecting the rest of the family. Read more
Published on July 11 2001
5.0 out of 5 stars How You Can Survive When They're Depressed : Living and Copi
I am presently going through a divorce from a depressive. Anne Sheffield's book has been a godsend for me. Read more
Published on June 26 2001
5.0 out of 5 stars A reader from Arkansas, USA
Great book with a clear insight on how depression not only effects the person who is depressed, but the people who love and care for them also. Read more
Published on May 15 2000
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