"Hello! Hello! Treb Vladinsky from the planet Exus calling Earth and his diary. I'm going to come down and catch a few earthlings in about twenty seconds. Mostly girls. Over and out and all that."
Of course, you shouldn't know this because Ned Floyd doesn't want anyone reading from what is his most vile secret -- his diary. That's right. Ned keeps a diary. Most guys don't. Ned is quite aware of this, thank you very much. But he can't help it. He can't stop writing. So, to protect his reputation, he writes under the code name, Treb Vladinsky, all the while living in fear that the class bully, Nugget, will find out and plaster the halls with posters of Ned Floyd, diary writer. In the meantime, he cooks up schemes to get Nadia Nelson, the girl of his dreams, to notice him, all the while trying to keep her three savage older brothers, "up-and-coming thieves and murderers, probably," from noticing him, and getting in the way of his and Nadia's long anticipated French kiss. And then there's his band, The Raving Lunatics, where who plays what instrument is decided by who can throw the biggest tantrum. Well, they don't have to sound good, just loud, right? Now where was I? Oh yeah, and then there's the basement bonfire. Dish detergent drinks. Sock smoking. Sock smoking? What's that? Well, it's...oh, never mind. And a very special graveyard rendition of "California Girls." Actually, really, Ned would prefer that you wouldn't read this. After all, it's what's in his head.