Inspector Gadget 2

That cartoon was Inspector Gadget. (Incidentally, a Google search of the program's airdates lists the earliest known broadcast of the series as September 5, 1983. Channel 48 may not have bothered to log it's final program to the FCC -- but trust me, I was there. They had it first.)

The continuing adventures of the bumbling cybernetic detective hold a special place in my heart because of this strange and fateful day. Channel 48 was a beloved station -- for many of my school years they broadcast Pink Panther for two hours every day(!) as well as such wonderous cult 'toons as Tenessee Tuxedo. It was a crushing blow to my young heart to bid farewell to that old, treasured friend, but their maverick decision to end with the very first broadcast of Gadget was an fond, fitting tribute.

I watched Gadget on Channel 17, who picked it up the following year, religiously. Often I would rush home from school, determined not to miss the antics of the robotic constable, the case-cracking skills of his behind-the-scenes niece Penny and her dog Brain, and the sinister growl of the menacing Doctor Claw: "I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME, GADGET!"

So it was with a deep and abiding love that, when I spotted this film on the used DVD rack at my local record shop, I gladly forked over the twelve bucks to revisit my childhood one last time.

But instead, I ended up feeling like my inner child had been spanked and sent to bed without dinner. Dear Lord, this movie is terrible. Really, truly, terrible. Not a single redeeming quality about it. French Stewart may be the worst comedic actor known to humanity, accurately desribed by a friend of mine as "Like Kramer from Seinfeld, except not funny" -- I honestly think Carrot Top would have been a better choice, and I HATE Carrot Top. And though Eliane Hendrix provides that safe Disney level of mildly enticing sex appeal, her patently robotic acting is only barely forgiven by the fact that, well, she's LITERALLY playing a robot. And that incessantly unfunny car! Can we please have a modern comedy which doesn't try to infect some form of satirically cliched, urbanized Chris Rock Lite stupidity into it? Tupac is rolling over in his grave right now!

It's terrible. Disney has once again ruined the beloved characters of literary history, as they did with Hercules, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, and the Little Mermaid. Maybe I'm reaching a little there by putting Gadget in such notable, royal company, but if in my passion I take such liberties, I beg you all to forgive me my indulgence -- certainly it's not nearly as insulting as the liberty that Eisner and company have taken in turning our favorite stories into Technicolored tripe.