Lifeskills for Adult Children [Paperback]

I feel like I'm staring at a banquet. All around are people I'd like to meet, but I never seem to make contact. The distance between us, it may be just a few feet, but it feels like a million miles. Everyone else looks so comfortable and seems to have such an easy time making friends. If only I knew lust the right thing to say.

—Terri

Adult children cringe at the idea of having to make small talk. Growing up in a dysfunctional family means that social skills were not adequately developed. Few people really enjoy small talk, but it is a necessary part of the socialization process.

If you only have started to connect with others since you've been in recovery, you are learning to relate on the level of personal problems and pain. That is fine for identifying within the program and appropriate for a support group, but, the truth is, there is life beyond the programs.

In the larger culture, and even with program people outside of meetings, personal problems and pain are best shared with people as intimacy grows. Getting to that level is a part of a process that begins with small talk and evolves from there. Small talk is the most non-threatening way that people can begin to know each other. People respond as much to tone and energy as to content. Rushing into personal things creates a sense of intimacy before it really exists. And, believe it or not, talking trivia can be fun.

Making contact with others will be easier when you know a few simple truths and develop some skills. The first truth is that most people also feel uncomfortable when they are getting conversations going. They only look at ease, just as you probably do to them. Second, most people would like to have more friends in their lives, just as you would. Third, most people are pleased when someone approaches them, as it takes the pressure off them. This chapter will teach you skills that will help you do better in starting conversations, keeping your conversations going, and talking about yourself.

There is no need for you, like Terri, to search for "just the right thing to say." The truth is that dull, ordinary openers can work even better than clever openers. The main thing is to say something. When you say something, you've made contact, you've opened up the possibility of establishing a relationship, of making a friend. If others are interested, they will respond, and you can apply the skills in this book to use what they say to get a conversation going. There are basically three subjects you can talk about when you start a conversation: yourself, the other person, and the situation.

Talking about the other person or the situation you are both in is far more likely to get the other person involved than only talking about yourself. Why!? Because others are much more interested in themselves and what they're doing than they are in you, especially when they don't even know you. When you look at the following openers, you'll see that those on the right, those that talk about the other person or the situation, are far more likely to get conversations going. The best idea is to make the "I" statement first to show your own willingness to share and so as not to appear intrusive.

There are basically three things you can say when you start a conversation: You can ask a question, voice an opinion, or state a fact.

To get others to want to join you in conversation, you have to interest and involve them. Asking questions is far more likely to do this than relating only your own opinions or stating facts. For example, consider how much more likely the "CONTINUE" questions are to generate interest than the opinions or facts on the left:

BEGIN There are a lot of people here.
CONTINUE Why do you suppose so many people came to this speech?

BEGIN This washing machine is hard to work.
CONTINUE Can you show me how to work it?

BEGIN That book looks interesting.
CONTINUE What's it about?

Most people are reactive when it comes to starting conversations. Like Terri, they see people they'd like to meet, people they'd like to make friends with, yet they don't do anything about it. People who succeed socially are typically proactive. They don't sit around waiting for others to come up to them; they speak up, they make things happen. If you want to succeed at friend-making —or at practically anything else —you need to be proactive.

Marika: I was stunned when I did this exercise. Here I've been more or less waiting for things to happen in my life, and it turns out that...my going to Europe, my trip to Maui, my meeting my husband, my friendship with Leslie, my job — virtually everything that's been positive and wonderful in my life has happened because of me!

Being proactive in starting conversations is often difficult, especially for women who have been taught they "should" be passive. Often these women take this should to an extreme and not only don't say anything to people they'd like to meet, but also don't smile, look at others, or give any other indication of interest. Following this rule deprives them of any realistic likelihood of making contact. But it also provides them with an excuse: They don't have to blame themselves for not getting what they want. They can blame the should.

If you have been following this should (or any other should, for that matter), ask yourself: "Who made up this rule?" Chances are you will find that your mother, a teacher, or some other authority figure in your early childhood told you to follow this rule. Tell yourself that it was just their opinion. It was just something they made up — or more likely learned from their parents. It isn't carved in stone anywhere. It isn't any great piece of wisdom. And there's no reason for you to go on obeying it. Tell yourself you're an adult now and you can make up your own mind. Then go ahead and speak up.

Many people have difficulty starting conversations because they tell themselves that it would be "awful," "horrible" and "humiliating" if the others weren't interested. When you find yourself thinking thoughts like that, ask yourself: "What, realistically, is the worst thing that might happen if I speak up?" Chances are, the worst thing others might do is excuse themselves or walk away. Tell yourself: "If that happened, it would not be terrible. It would just be unfortunate. I don't want it to happen, but I'd live. In fact, I'd be no worse off. I didn't have that person's attention before and I still wouldn't." In addition, remind yourself that you are better off simply for practicing your new skills, regardless of the response. Each time you practice, you get better and better. Then ask yourself: "What's the best thing that might happen?" Looking at it this way, you'll be surprised how vastly more you have to gain than lose by speaking up.

Elise: I wanted to meet this fellow who lived in another building at my complex. Smiling and saying hello didn't work, so I asked myself, "What's the worst that could happen if I start a conversation?" The worst was that he'd say he had to go or that he was busy. Then I asked, "What's the best?" The best was that we'd like each other, get married, and have a lifetime of kisses and cuddles and happy times. Looking at it that way, there was only one smart choice — and I did it!