Loneliness [Hardcover]

From http://www.laurafreberg.com/blog

I just finished reading Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, which is coming out towards the end of August. The book summarizes, in very accessible terms, thirty years of work by John Cacioppo of the University of Chicago and his colleagues.

It's initially hard to get past the title. William Patrick, John's coauthor, relates how a friend reading an early manuscript found the word "loneliness" to be disturbing, even more so than "rape," "murder," or "death." This reaction fits perfectly with the major theme of the book-we humans are a very social bunch, and being cut off from other people, as in solitary confinement, might be the very worst punishment of all.
What I especially liked about the book is the constant, seamless integration of what we call "perspectives" in psychology, harkening back to William James. In other words, the neuroscience, social psychology, and cognitive science is all woven together so that you get the big picture. In other writing, John has compared psychology to a symphony, with the different perspectives contributing to the whole of our understanding just as the score, musicians, instruments, and conductor join together to produce fantastic music. He and William have definitely succeeded in bringing this integration to the study of loneliness. Given the all-too-frequent Balkanization of psychology into little subdomains, this approach is refreshing and informative.

Like William's friend, I found myself feeling sad at times while reading the book. I don't consider myself a lonely person, as I am blessed by having a close family and good friends. But I know a lot of lonely people, and reading the various case studies brought these people to mind in a vivid way. The sad mood lifted, however, when John would throw in some of his modest and self-deprecating humor, as in his description of his trip to "Grenada." Enough said. You need to read the book to find out the rest.

In spite of the sober topic, I think many people will jump at the chance to learn more from this book. My mother-in-law, over at our house for lunch, snatched up my copy and asked to borrow it. My daughters are pre-ordering theirs on Amazon. Kristin has mentioned that loneliness is such a huge issue for her soldiers, not only while they deploy, but even more so when they return to families who can't begin to relate to the things they've seen and done in combat. She's hoping that John will take a look at the vulnerability of soldiers to PTSD as a function of their initial loneliness scores, following up on research listed on the Loneliness site.

Best of all, the authors do not stop after describing the origins and implications of loneliness. Instead, there is a careful, thoughtful, step-by-step approach to reducing one's own loneliness. Following the recommended steps is never presented as a magic bullet, or a quick fix, but just a practical way, grounded in good science, to move from point A to point B. No matter how lonely or not lonely you feel, there are suggestions here to make the social aspects of life more meaningful.
Finally, I'd like to end by pointing out that these authors really do practice what they preach. The website for Loneliness has a menu feature called "socialize." In one of the blog entries, William Patrick describes how John insisted that he should be a "full co-author," instead of receiving his usual credits.

For those of you on Facebook, hope you join the Science of Loneliness group. There's something inherently ironic about that statement, but I hope to see you there soon. --Laura Freberg

Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection

Not an easy read, but worthwhile. Comprehensive use of evolutionary psychology and neuroscience to explain a lot of what causes psychic pain, as well as attraction and aversion in social settings. Demonstrates that loneliness may well be a more accurate and useful diagnosis than depression or anxiety. Well documented sources. Not an easy-to-read self-help book, but worth the effort because of the understanding that can result.

The best part of this book are the scientific insights about how loneliness works and how it damages people. I learned many things I had never heard of.

I found it easy to read and well-written. It is interesting throughout, although sometimes it strayed far enough from the topic to leave me wondering how it got there. I must admit I didn't read it in one go and sometimes stopped in the middle of a chapter.

One of the blurbs claimed the book was funny. The only thing I found funny is when it compares lonely people, who find it harder to control themselves, to Phineas Gage, a worker who had a metal rod rammed through his brain. There is a nice drawing showing where exactly the rod went through. This is an exceptional feat of black humor, but I'm not sure it's intentional.

Another blurb, by no less than Mihaly Csiksentmihalyi (I love his book 'Finding flow'), claims that after reading the book you will never have to be lonely again. The book does make some attempts at giving advice, but never sounds very convincing. The authors are researchers who excel at understanding how loneliness affects people, but they don't seem to have much experience in helping them. They don't sound like they ever had this problem either.

The end of the book addresses the growing loneliness in the United States, and mentions some ways society has found to cope: mega-churches, virtual communities like Second Life, the corny fad of 'random acts of kindness'. Oh the horror. I've been through times when loneliness was almost unbearable, but I'm not sure I've ever been that hopeless.

I will definitely read that book again.

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