Lotus in the Fire [Paperback]

While the experiences written about in this book explain how this one man used his exposure and grounding in the spiritual practice of Zen Buddhism to help him get through his unthinkable physical ordeal, the alert reader will notice that spiritual practice, whatever it may by, can not only help us transcend such trials in our lives, but also help us to understand and experience our practice in a deeper and more profound way such that it becomes a life transforming event in itself.

What Jim Bedard's experience of fighting AML taught him and what he struggled to understand were the very truths he had worked with in Zen, only this time in a life-threatening, three dimensional way. At one point he admits that, "Each of us had to do the work of awakening to our true Mind by ourselves; no one was going to do it for us."

He was in essence put up against a solid wall, his own mortality, and asked to look inside himself for the key to his release. The possibility of death has a way of focusing the mind that no other circumstance in life can match. And Jim Bedard succeeded. He found his strength in the source of his survival, and lived to tell the tale so that others might also find that same strength within themselves. You don't have to be a Buddhist or know anything in particular about Zen to enjoy and learn something from this book. Its lessons transcend specific religion. Though if you are Buddhist it should definitely enhance your practice.

There are many moments of insight provided in this account, which seems to move along at a fairly brisk pace despite it morbid subject matter. One of the more telling moments came little more than two weeks into Jim's ordeal when he writes, "With serious illness one is quickly stripped naked for all to see. The different masks we hide behind dissolve. All I identified with as my self was breaking up and dispersing. I was experiencing the truth of the Buddha's teaching of impermanence firsthand....I had no guarantee of a future, my past identity had been eradicated, and the present was demanding one hundred percent of my attention." These experiences Jim writes about of facing a terminal illness are universal in their nature and accessible by anyone who is human.

As he struggled with the distracting aspects of his illness, Jim, in his intense examination of his own mind in search of mental relief from the physical strain, inevitably came upon an epiphany. "The leukemia was there, I felt, to heal another, much deeper sickness that I would never have recognized without its help: the sickness of pain-producing behavior and habit patterns stemming from seeds that were planted lifetimes ago. The reason for this illness was not a mystery to me. Like all Buddhists, I clearly understood the answer to the question, What did I do to deserve this? It was obvious: my own karma brought me to this point."

Having come to this insight was only the beginning of his journey in overcoming the illness that was wracking his once fine body. From this point he was put into the position, as he put it, of having to walk a tightrope between life and certain death. It wasn't an easy walk, and it was this walk that the remainder of the book describes in great detail. For anyone who is going through such an experience or for those who are in a position to support another who is, this book will be a comfort and source of inspiration.

The book endeavors to provide answers to the tough questions that come to the mind of the sufferer in such a situation, while at the same time showing one way in which such hardships in life can be successfully faced and overcome. For Jim Bedard his saving grace can be summed up in one section where he writes, "For me each time fear would raise its head, I would face it straight on and ask myself again and again, 'Who is aware of this fear? Who am I really?' It was this constant looking into Mind that was my saving grace. The penetrating and liberating practice of introspection allowed me refuge from the maelstrom around me." Such introspection is at the heart of the way of all true religious practice.

The indignations of procedures and reactions are vividly recalled. He tells of the everyday back and forth torment of his inner dialogue from his human state of suffering, feelings, thoughts and sensations, etc. to the divine acceptance of taking refuge in his Zen practices. The reader is riveted with attention as he weaves back and forth ackowledging the human suffering and then expanding to other realms of existence where he gained new insights from the perspective of the ill and the divine.

His continuing responsibilities and concerns about his family along with their daily adjustments and his brother's ultimate gift in the form of a bone marrow transplant are part of this engaging story. Their watch at his bedside and his mother's strong faith became anchors of strength along with the stoic presence of his father and other siblings.

His illness becomes his spiritual practice while he continues to touch lives from his hospital bed. Encounters with the terminally ill and their families and his extending of unconditional love to them by example is evident as they are allowed glimpses into the life of a devoted buddhist practitioner. He sets up his own altar in his hospital room as his spiritual practices sustain him. He engages the bodhisattvic vows which culminate in his gradual transition from the hell realms back into the world transformed in the midst of his critical illness.

The love of Zensei and the author's dharma brothers and sisters is a continuing thread and power felt throughout his sojourn. We see how the networking around the world at Zen centres helped culminate in aiding the ignition of healing along with the power of prayer from his family and many friends. In the end we see his dream of discipleship to Sensei Sunyana Graef become a well merited realization. But this is just the beginning.

The author tells us that he use to give short talks at Zen retreats regarding the matter of birth and death and not to waste a moment. He now finds words to be one thing and experience another. Life takes on new meaning as he births new awareness with each moment seeing the continual dying into life in our earthly existence. Simple pleasures like a blue sky and the everyday beauty that surrounds us take on new meaning and dimension.

The reader will find in his hands an immeasureable gift of the heart. As we enter the Age of Enlightenment millions are awakening to the Knowledge and Wisdom we have gathered by living our truth. This is one man's story and testimony that continues into the "afterward" and yet another dimension. Highly recommended.