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We Love Each Other, But . . .: Simple Secrets to Strengthen Your Relationship and Make Love Last [Paperback]

Ellen Wachtel
5.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (4 customer reviews)
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Book Description

Feb. 14 2000
We Love Each Other, But...offers simple, practical tips that will help you restore and strengthen a relationship that has gone off track. It lays out the nuts and bolts of building relationships so they continue to be gratifying over the long haul. Dr. Ellen Wachtel shows how, even when you feel like giving up on a relationship or marriage, you can recapture why you fell in love in the first place. Dr. Wachtel promises that there is more and suggests simple ways to keep vitality in relationships. In fact, she shows you and your partner how you can stay interested in each other for the rest of your lives.

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We Love Each Other, But . . .: Simple Secrets to Strengthen Your Relationship and Make Love Last + Love Honor and Negotiate: Building Partnerships that Last a Lifetime
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Review

"What a gift from an expert in the field. We Love Each Other, But... is as warm as it is wise. In fact, it was hard to put down. Dr. Ellen Wachtel's ideas can be put into practice immediately and will help couples in all stages of marriage. You don't need to have problems to benefit--this book will make a good relationship even better. It's the kind of solid, commonsensical advice couples need in today's fast-paced world." --Sharyn Wolf, author of Guerrila Dating Tactics and How to Stay Lovers For Life

"A wonderful accessible, and practical guide for couples seeking to avoid affairs, make good sense out of those shaky moments that inevitably challenge even the healthiest relationships, and last the course happily together." --Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, author of After the Affair

"Dr. Ellen Wachten is special in the field of family therapy, and this book shows her at her best. She is a highly skilled professional, but more than being smart, she is wise. Best of all, she meets her readers as she does her clients, with true personal openness and candor. In addition to learning important skills, readers of this enjoyable book will be able to address their problems with the help of a comforting, reassuring friend." --Donald A. Bloch, M.D., president of American Family Therapy Academy

About the Author

Dr. Ellen F. Wachtel, author of We Love Each Other, But... is widely known in the field of marriage and family therapy. She has a Ph.D. in psychology and a law degree from Harvard Law School. She has taught at the Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy, New York University, the City University of New York, and New York City's St. Lukes-Roosevelt Hospital. Married for more than thirty years and the mother of two grown children, she lives in New York City.

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Most helpful customer reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Great Reading Even for Lawyers (Smile) Sept. 2 2002
By Colleen
Format:Paperback
Yes, I have all the stereotypes that are attached to my profession...critical, type A personality, sometimes ridiculously high standards, structured, can obsess over a situation/concern, loyal, and extremely limited with ways to use my time. When I discovered that my marriage was suffering because I just "couldn't find the time" to be a superwoman in bed..and beyond. After looking at my husbands frustration, and hearing him say one time too often.."I've become immune to the lack of sex" "can't miss whatI don't get.." I became concerned. I guess I thought that he SHOULD be attracted to me, even if we don't have sex as often as he wants. (Heck) I think 3 to 4 times a week is OUTRAGEOUS. It was great for dating, but who has the time anymore. BUT....then I read this book. It is GREAT!!! I went on line after I identified that the real problem could actually be me, and ordered over 20...yes 20.. books on love, sex, and marriage. I set out to FIX this problem. Well This book is giving me the foundation from which to build. The chapter on your "We don't have too much Sex life" was excellent. To follow up "Dealing With..Emotional Hang-ups," helped me as well. I must acknowledge that some of those hang-ups came about due to the lack of sex. To my female peers, I am sure that you will agree that men are so much more pleasant after you've made love. While reading I would run to my husband and say..."hey read this..let's get those tapes.." I discovered that the hard porn was okay, but it was too synthetic for me, and those women were dumb as an ox. Who actually comes in and says..."oh I want you to ... me" to an absolute stranger? Plus Dr. Ellen Wachtel didn't speak to me as if I was a patient. Read more ›
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5.0 out of 5 stars A Book To Read With Your Significant Other March 9 2000
Format:Paperback
"We love each other, but... we could use some expert advice so that we can keep on loving." If you have ever thought about your relationship in these terms, then this is a must-read book for you and your partner. Dr. Wachtel knows about the perils of co-navigating a marriage, both from her professional experience as a researcher and family therapist (she has "worked with close to one thousand couples"), and from her own life (she has been married to the same man "for more than thirty years"). Her book is accessible and fun to read, integrating brief, illustrative case histories with keen (and also brief!) psychological analyses, followed by sensible suggestions for couples to work out their problems. Dr. Wachtel organizes her material into eight chapters on such topics as decision-making, arguing, raising children, and having a satisfactory sex life (while doing all of the above!). I particularly like how she addresses the reader, simply and directly, throughout her narrative; for example, in her discussion of "harmful words" during arguments, she tells us: "Even if you apologize and explain that you didn't mean what you said, your partner may still be hurt. . . . Your partner not only feels wounded by your words but by the fact that you wanted to be so hurtful." Occasional references to her personal experiences enrich the narrative, allowing the reader to envision the author as a real person, herself struggling with life's challenges, as when she discusses some minor and major differences between her and her husband: "Poking around in flea markets is a real treat for me, but he becomes restless. . . . We differ even on such fundamentals as child-rearing philosophies and religious convictions. Read more ›
Was this review helpful to you?
5.0 out of 5 stars Fantastic Aug. 17 2001
By A Customer
Format:Paperback
Here's a relationship book that doesn't blab, it's good info, great solutions and well written. Many relationship books babble on and on and promise many solutions yet don't deliver. This book delivers. The solutions are extremely helpful and easy to apply. My boyfriend, who is not into relationship books loved this book. It tapped into his way of thinking. I definitely recommend this book!
Was this review helpful to you?
5.0 out of 5 stars IF YOU WANT A BETTER MARRIAGE, READ THIS! Sept. 25 1999
By A Customer
Format:Hardcover
This is an absolute gem of a book. The author writes clearly and simply, and if you follow her good advice your marriage or relationship will take one huge leap forward. This is a quick read and terrifically helpful, espeically if one or both people in the relationship feels angry, criticized, unapprecated,r ignored, or hopeless..
Was this review helpful to you?
Most Helpful Customer Reviews on Amazon.com (beta)
Amazon.com: 4.5 out of 5 stars  27 reviews
43 of 46 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A Book To Read With Your Significant Other March 9 2000
By Gabriella Ibieta - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Paperback
"We love each other, but... we could use some expert advice so that we can keep on loving." If you have ever thought about your relationship in these terms, then this is a must-read book for you and your partner. Dr. Wachtel knows about the perils of co-navigating a marriage, both from her professional experience as a researcher and family therapist (she has "worked with close to one thousand couples"), and from her own life (she has been married to the same man "for more than thirty years"). Her book is accessible and fun to read, integrating brief, illustrative case histories with keen (and also brief!) psychological analyses, followed by sensible suggestions for couples to work out their problems. Dr. Wachtel organizes her material into eight chapters on such topics as decision-making, arguing, raising children, and having a satisfactory sex life (while doing all of the above!). I particularly like how she addresses the reader, simply and directly, throughout her narrative; for example, in her discussion of "harmful words" during arguments, she tells us: "Even if you apologize and explain that you didn't mean what you said, your partner may still be hurt. . . . Your partner not only feels wounded by your words but by the fact that you wanted to be so hurtful." Occasional references to her personal experiences enrich the narrative, allowing the reader to envision the author as a real person, herself struggling with life's challenges, as when she discusses some minor and major differences between her and her husband: "Poking around in flea markets is a real treat for me, but he becomes restless. . . . We differ even on such fundamentals as child-rearing philosophies and religious convictions." The book's last chapter, titled "We Love Each Other and We Get Along Well, But... Is This It?", offers the author's view of relationships as ongoing, developing, fluid processes. It is not enough just to learn how to deal with conflict within a stable, friendly marriage. After all, don't we also want to have fun, to share life's joys with our partner? Dr. Wachtel knows the importance of passion and romance in relationships. "Continue to surprise yourself and your spouse," she tells us, "Have little adventures together and apart. . . . Start to tell jokes. Take up swing dancing. . . ." And enjoy reading this book with your significant other, I tell you--it is definitely worth it!
16 of 16 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Saved our marriage Feb. 10 2010
By MomOfTwins - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
If there were six stars available, I'd give them to this book. Without a doubt, We Love Each Other But saved my marriage of 6 years. I was embarrassed to look at the chapter headings and realize how typical I was, having allowed my marriage to grow weeds through neglect:
* We Love Each Other But ... Every Decision is a Tug-of-War
* We Love Each Other But ... We Get into Really Bad Arguments
* We Love Each Other But ... We Don't Have Much of a Sex Life
* We Love Each Other But ... But I Have a Hard Time Dealing with my Partner's Emotional Hang-ups
* We Used to Love Each Other But ... Now I'm Not So Sure
* We Love Each Other But ... Life with Children Isn't Easy
* We Love Each Other But ... Is This It?

The author's style is easy-to-read, and she gives terse usable relationship rules that my husband and I have adopted in our day-to-day reactions. We went from discussing divorce to being the strongest couple we've ever been, and look forward to many more happy decades together.

For instance, Dr. Wachtel's advice has turned our frequent explosive arguments into productive discussions. We now walk away from the conversation when either one of us gets emotional or defensive, returning to it after 10 minutes or an hour. We know not to get upset when someone calls a time out. We focus on understanding the other's perspective instead of just getting our own across. We touch more often, and for the first time in a long time, I know my husband still loves me, and he knows I still love him.

I believe that if we'd read this book earlier, and been open to Dr. Wachtel's ideas, we would have never reached the crisis point we came to. I've since bought 4 additional copies of this book (my husband and I each have one) to give as wedding gifts. If you're in a relationship, or think you may be in one some day, give this book a glance. The few hours it takes to read are well worth it.

The fact that Dr. Wachtel uses both same-sex and heterosexual couples in her examples is just icing on the cake.
26 of 30 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars IF YOU WANT A BETTER MARRIAGE, READ THIS! Sept. 25 1999
By A Customer - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Hardcover
This is an absolute gem of a book. The author writes clearly and simply, and if you follow her good advice your marriage or relationship will take one huge leap forward. This is a quick read and terrifically helpful, espeically if one or both people in the relationship feels angry, criticized, unapprecated,r ignored, or hopeless..
15 of 16 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Fantastic Aug. 17 2001
By A Customer - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Paperback
Here's a relationship book that doesn't blab, it's good info, great solutions and well written. Many relationship books babble on and on and promise many solutions yet don't deliver. This book delivers. The solutions are extremely helpful and easy to apply. My boyfriend, who is not into relationship books loved this book. It tapped into his way of thinking. I definitely recommend this book!
25 of 31 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Great Reading Even for Lawyers (Smile) Sept. 2 2002
By Colleen - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
Yes, I have all the stereotypes that are attached to my profession...critical, type A personality, sometimes ridiculously high standards, structured, can obsess over a situation/concern, loyal, and extremely limited with ways to use my time. When I discovered that my marriage was suffering because I just "couldn't find the time" to be a superwoman in bed..and beyond. After looking at my husbands frustration, and hearing him say one time too often.."I've become immune to the lack of sex" "can't miss whatI don't get.." I became concerned. I guess I thought that he SHOULD be attracted to me, even if we don't have sex as often as he wants. (Heck) I think 3 to 4 times a week is OUTRAGEOUS. It was great for dating, but who has the time anymore.

BUT....then I read this book. It is GREAT!!! I went on line after I identified that the real problem could actually be me, and ordered over 20...yes 20.. books on love, sex, and marriage. I set out to FIX this problem. Well This book is giving me the foundation from which to build. The chapter on your "We don't have too much Sex life" was excellent. To follow up "Dealing With..Emotional Hang-ups," helped me as well. I must acknowledge that some of those hang-ups came about due to the lack of sex. To my female peers, I am sure that you will agree that men are so much more pleasant after you've made love. While reading I would run to my husband and say..."hey read this..let's get those tapes.." I discovered that the hard porn was okay, but it was too synthetic for me, and those women were dumb as an ox. Who actually comes in and says..."oh I want you to ... me" to an absolute stranger?
Plus Dr. Ellen Wachtel didn't speak to me as if I was a patient. I couldn't comfortably read a book that sounds like the author has not had sex themselves in over a decade. Some books analyzed it from a medical point of view. Who cares about how one's testosterone level may effect one's Sex drive. I just want to please my husband and thereby please myself. I took my book everywhere! So, not to run on..which is another trait (smile) I just want to say---DO IT!! BUY THIS BOOK, and try out some of the suggestions Dr. Ellen Wachtel makes.
SIDEBAR: please overlook the typos, I am just so excited about the book, I just finished it--I wanted to scribble off a note to share this discovery.
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