To Love Honor & Betray [Hardcover]

This book is about as upsetting as anything a man, married or otherwise, is likely to read this year. Even men who, like myself, have careers that when practiced almost definitively reveal the hidden sides of married women who take part in often scandalous affairs will be kicked in the stomach repeatedly by what they discover here. Publisher's Weekly said this book "demoralizes more than it enlightens." That, is an understatement.

Without judging any of the women in particular, there are a few common themes that continuously resurface. One is the archetypal Biological Clock Woman who is so afraid of never becoming a mother that she never actually becomes an adult, and therefore never learns what love and intimacy as a wife is all about. Several of the women admit (as their anonymity is insured by the women writers who chose and compiled these stories) that they never actually were in love with their husbands at any time. They saw him as a "catch" of some sort that would make a good father--i.e., make them pregnant--before their ovaries stopped producing fertilizable eggs. As they were pretending to be in love with their fiancés right from the start, the deceit in their marriage started before it even began. (Staying with their husbands afterwards was done, several said, almost purely for money and childcare-related reasons. [And naturally they believed this little trivial point, given how all men are just sexual animals with no souls anyway, would not effect his sense of attraction or his love of being married to them on a daily basis.]) For these women in the book, the later affairs that are its subject are just a natural progression of an entire adult life of selfishness and deceit, fostered by a profound contempt for men in general. Which I believe is the reason why they are, ironically, suffering little to no guilt from the actual act of the affairs (almost none express guilt over any of them), or the deception that follows.

A second reoccurring theme in the book is women thinking like twelve year olds and being addicted to the pleasure principle associated with romance. Anything even resembling talk about marriage being more like two architects putting on hardhats and standing in the middle of an unfinished structure they have pledged to build together is anathema to them. They went into the marriage wearing Walt Disney/Harlequin Romance rose-colored glasses, believing they had found a man who could make EVERYDAY feel like their dream vacation and the first day of their dream job combined with their dream honeymoon; something not even Jesus Christ and all twelve of the apostles could do for them if they wanted to. These women, in a choice between a) confronting the innate immaturity of this vision that they were holding their husbands responsible for bringing to life, and b) blaming their husbands for (of course) failing in the attempt, chose the latter nine times out of ten. Though some actually admit their spouses didn't deserve such behavior or betrayals, for these women this irrational resentment STILL became the triumphant justification for many of the affairs that took place--and the double lives they lived afterwards.

The most recurring theme of course is this: virtually none of the women in this book ever saw a problem with choosing not to actively discuss their innermost feelings on this specific issue with their husbands at any time. True, a couple of women did: they got stupid men who, running scared, ignored or judged them; setting themselves up to be cheated on in the end for their wife's troubles. But most of the women never admitted telling their husbands that the house is on fire was an option, before or after the affair. The mixed messages and secrecy about their inner lives became the order of the day long before the orgasms with their secret lovers ever took place. SOME WOMEN, KNOWING THEIR DOUBLE LIFE, ACTUALLY RESENTED THEIR HUSBANDS FOR TRUSTING THEM AROUND OTHER MEN. That in some cases is the only logical explanation for their husband's behavior when he was surreptitiously confronted by their wife with the man who, unbeknownst to him, actually replaced him in his marriage bed. The excruciating choreography of a cuckolded husband's blind trust of his cheating wife (or his secretly hoping against hope after intuiting the evidence) some women conveniently redefined as evidence of his hateful arrogance: his belief that no other man would ever dream she was sexy and desirable and would take her away from him. Further justifying, in their minds, more non-communication, more secrecy, more resentment, more betrayal...and more lies.

Naturally, there are several wonderful women in this book who are being emotionally and physically abused by their pathetic husbands. (I have no sympathy for those guys.) And there are those who (as to be expected) are survivors from deeply dysfunctional families: young rape victims; children of sexually abusive and absentee fathers; children of duplicitous, verbally abusive and emotionally indifferent mothers. This, these women survivors grew to understand, was the true genesis of their issues with men, sex, communication, intimacy and integrity that put them out of control in their adult married lives. (Adult Attention Deficit Disorder may in fact be the root cause with several of the others: see Dr. Edward Hallowell's amazing DRIVEN TO DISTRACTION.) Again, while a few women in the book do not inspire the least bit of non-judgmental understanding (considering the nightmare of a wife they had to have been before, during and after the affair), all women in the book ironically succeed in bringing you to terms with how hard marriage is. And, how hard it is just to be human. As such, the words forgiveness & understanding become what make you read page after page, until the (anticlimactic and uninspiring) end.

This is a powerful, painful book that serves as a lesson for women--and a warning for men--everywhere. Know thyself, and marry well...or divorce, fast.

This is an interesting book, a compilation of first-person accounts of women's affairs. The women range in ages and reasons, but all cheated on their husbands and fill these pages with the sagas.

There is something exhausting and sad about reading page after page of the dissatisfaction these women had with their husbands. Many married simply because they were ready to have children. Almost all the men were emotionally distant, sexually cold or even cheating themselves, and a few were abusive.

Some of the women had several affairs. Some left their husbands. One woman had a one-time fling and regretted it. A few warn, even beg, women readers not to cheat.

It's hard to imagine so many women are so unhappy, that this is so common that the book somehow reflects reality. It makes one feel jaded and cynical, even kind of trashy, to steep in the sadness and the sordid stories.

That said, a person struggling with issues of fidelity or marriage may find something profound within the pages. The editors have certainly captured many different stories, and the stories are well-written and compelling, if very sad.

It might not be a book to give to a newly engaged friend, but a fine book to give to someone dealing with the issues of infidelity.

The times, they are, a'changing.

I sometimes wonder if men and women were ever intended to get together. Perhaps in cave man days where you married at 12 or 13, had grand kids at 25 or 30 and were dead at 40. But that's not the way it is any more. We live a lot longer. And we know that divorce will end more than half of the marriages. Studies say that almost all of the rest are not happy marriages, it's just that they choose not to separate for any of a number of reasons.

As a male, this book is extremely interesting to read. It is almost like eavesdropping on a conversation between two women who wouldn't be saying these things if a male was around. It's certainly true that we don't think alike. And the studies say that the percentage of females having affairs is rapidly catching up with the male percentage. The reason seeems to be opportunity, nothing to do with desire which has always been there, just the opportunity as more women enter the workforce for them to meet men.

This book presents an insight into the Venusian that we Martians don't often see.

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