Love Is Never Enough [Paperback]

if you wonder why you're always irritated with your partner, or get into quick, snapping arguments, this book steps you through the automatic thoughts that come into each party's mind when they participate in what _seems_ to be a simple dialogue or request, but denigrates into conflict. it also explains why situations escalate into pinnacles of unreasonableness, and how to defuse these patterns.

pretty much every reasoning/communication error that takes place in close relationships is spelled out in black and white-- and backed by clinical approach in psychiatric science, not gimmicky pseudoscience... this takes the stereotyping out of the seeming impossibility of martian men and venusian women getting along-- Dr Beck simply illustrates, painting very clear pictures in 18 tidy chapters, those human characteristics that misfire or go awry when dealing with loved ones.

he gives theories where all this static comes from, offering ideas of where to look in your own thinking, such as: differing frames of reference, upbringing (pattern / modelling of one's parents), unstated expectations, all/nothing thinking, and unknown (to oneself) sensitive issues that cause a person to react to others' actions/words out of fear or anger.

the most heartening bit is his assertion that just one person in the couple working to solve problems in this way can give relief. this is due to the fact that by changing your strategy in arguments & discussions, you improve the kinds of responses elicted by your partner as well.

2 additional reasons why i feel that Dr Beck's book is valuable: firstly, he is a respected authority on cognitive behaviour therapy (its founder, no less!), and secondly, that he provided couples counselling based on the theories outlined in this book. in other words, he's an scientific expert. i don't want to claim "buy this book!!! throw away all the rest!!!", as those lurid advertisements are frequently used on undeserving books that aren't very helpful, nor useful in piercing the complexities in understanding human emotion. (having said that, this book is excellent, and you really ought to check it out).

this book brings people together under one banner. it does not play inherent gender differences off on one another. you will be able to raise your understanding of others by a significant amount, and look inwardly to find out the nature and name of those buttons that your partner may press.

"Take your life into your own hands, and what happens. A terrible thing: no one to blame." --Erica Jong

I have often been frustrated by the destructive habit patterns that emerge in my relationships. LOVE IS NEVER ENOUGH has helped me to understand their origin and more importantly, how to remove them. It has been a valuable tool not only for my personal but also my spiritual relationships.

Dr Beck writes that, _The essence of marital cognitive therapy consists of exploring with troubled partners their unrealistic expectations, self-defeating attitudes, unjustified negative explanations, and illogical conclusions. Through a tune-up of their ways of drawing conclusions about each other and talking to each other, partners have been helped by cognitive therapy to relate to each other in a more reasonable, less hostile way."

And it works! The basic principle of Dr Beck's approach is simple yet substantial. The cornerstone is to strive for a solid foundation of trust, loyalty, respect and security. In short, to become a committed ally, a supporter and champion of my mate. Second, cultivate the tender, loving part of the relationship, and finally, strengthen the partnership by developing a sense of cooperation, consideration and compromise.

These are lofty goals with abstract meanings. I have always known that I wanted these admirable attributes as a part of my relationships, however, it was not until I studied Dr Beck's cognitive therapy that I gained the tools required to implement. By recognizing when distortions automatically enter my thoughts, I am able to resist the naturally tendency of accepting them. Opposing the temptation to react provides me with control over my emotions and prevents me from falling into destructive behaviours and habit patterns. I am able to respond in ways that are consistent with my hopes, dreams and goals for my relationship.

If you are interested in developing stronger more secure relationships in all parts of your life, this book may be interesting to you.

PEACE