Manos, the Hands of Fate

 

 

Create your own review

Warning: "Manos: The Hands of Fate" may cause nausea, vomiting, nosebleeds, disorientation, coma, vampirism, alcoholism, backaches, headaches, stomachaches, athlete's foot, stabbing pains, and the overwhelming urge to hit yourself in the face with a big mallet.

As you can probably guess, this is one of those movies that lives up to its reputation as one of the worst movies ever made -- an achingly slow, absurd, random mess of hilariously bad EVERYTHING. And without the guys from Mystery Science Theater 3000 around to lampoon it, you're left with a movie so bad it makes Ed Wood look like Guillermo del Toro, and so boring that it could be used as a sleep aid.

A generic all-American nuclear family is apparently going on a sightseeing tour of the US's farm fields, when they stumble across a weird house out in the middle of nowhere. The only person there is a twitchy guy called Torgo (John Reynolds) who talks constantly about "The Master" and has enormous knees. Oh, and there's a pair of teenagers making out in a car who are told off by a nosy cop, who are then dropped and never seen again.

Anyway, anybody who has EVER seen a slasher movie has already figured out that there's something diabolical afoot -- the Master turns out to have a harem and a giant regent mustache. He also worships a weird deity named Manos (which means "Hands," meaning the movie is called "Hands: The Hands of Fate"), and he's determined to pull the nuclear all-American family into his web of evil, pedophilia and hypnotism. It's hard to care, honestly.

"Manos: The Hands of Fate" is one of those movies where every single aspect of it is a disaster. I literally tried to find some positives in this movie, and they could all be counted on one hand with fingers to spare. It somehow comes as no surprise to me that writer/director/producer/star Harold P. Warren was a fertilizer salesman, and it comes as even less of a surprise that he never made another movie.

It doesn't even manage to be one of those movies that's so bad it's hilarious (like Ed Wood's) because it's simply so boring. The first several minutes are spent watching FIELDS go by, and the entire movie drags by at a glacial pace (how many minutes are devoted to Torgo tottering around?).

As far as cinematography goes, it looks like Warren filmed the entire movie with old cell phone that was dropped in a toilet -- it's grainy, wobbly, and full of glaring lighting and murky sound. The dialogue sounds like it was made up after a bad bender ("You have failed us Torgo. For this you must die"), and the soundtrack is just plain cheesy. And there are all sorts of random scenes that feel like they were cobbled together with no storyline in mind (the teens in the car, who are chastised by the police, leave and are never seen again... what was the point of that?!).

And of course, there's the acting: there is literally not a shred of talent in the entire movie. The actual acting is so wooden it could be chopped up and made into a table, and all the reactions are a few beats late, as if they're waiting for somebody to yell, "Act scared! Act evil! Act angry!" The family is so bland and devoid of personality that it's impossible to care what happens to them. Tom Neyman is hilariously wooden as the evil Master, and John Reynolds spends the whole movie twitching, blinking and staggering (for reasons that are never explained in-plot), sort of like a bearded Kristen Stewart.

"Manos: The Hands of Fate" is too boring to be hilarious, too bland to be weird, and too abysmal to be watched. Here's a tip: if you must watch it, try taking some hallucinogens first -- it certainly can't make the movie any worse.

Everybody reading this has probably seen the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" version of Hal P. Warren's "Manos: The Hands of Fate" (heck, I'm willing to bet some of you have seen it many times). Now, for those of you who are adventurous, Alpha has released the uncut, un-MST3K version of "Manos" for people to watch once and put back on their shelves forever, gathering dust.
Scenes that were cut out of the MST3K version are few. The only major deletion is a scene in which the Master slaps one of his wives around a little (the one he was going to burn. Remember her?) along with a few more driving scenes. By the way, without the MST3K commentary, the driving scenes seem just THAT much longer.
As can be expected, the full frame DVD image is abysmal. But I'm not going to complain, since I doubt that anyone one Earth has a pristine copy of "Manos: The Hands of Fate." Plus, a digital restoration would take away some of the fun. Unsurprisingly considering the bargain-bin company that released this, there are no extras.

This has to be the most stupid so called movie - it makes Plan 9 an academy award winner

Share your thoughts with other customers: Create your own review

› See all 11 customer reviews on Amazon.ca

 

1.0 out of 5 stars what, are you kidding? why is the average review at 4 1/2 *s
this is absolutely the worst film ever created. WHY IN THE HECK IS THE AVERAGE REVIEW AT 4 1/2 STARS????!!!!! HAS THE WORLD GONE STUPID??? Read more

Published on Mar 25 2006 by RICK

5.0 out of 5 stars The horror...the horror!
One of the worst days of my life was the day I stepped in a steaming pile of "Manos, the Hands of Fate. Read more

Published on April 23 2004 by Jeffrey Leach

5.0 out of 5 stars 20 fun facts about Manos: The Hands Of Fate
You are reading about a film called Manos: The Hands Of Fate, which means you know by now what it's about, and maybe even a few fun facts. Read more

Published on April 21 2004

5.0 out of 5 stars Worth It's Weight In Mold!
A man and his wife and daughter are on their way to the Valley Inn, for a fun little getaway. They become hopelessly lost, ending up at the last house in the desert. Read more

Published on April 16 2004 by Bindy Sue Frønkünschtein

5.0 out of 5 stars "MANOS"... The Hands of Fate? Yes, Exactly.
Here it is: the original uncut edition of "MANOS" The Hands of Fate. Manos is the ultimate Mystery Science Theater experiment, and I love the MST treatment, but... Read more

Published on Feb 1 2004 by Robert I. Hedges

5.0 out of 5 stars The Worst Of The Worst
Sorry Ed Wood freaks, but MANOS is the worst film of all time. This film is so sorry in every aspect of production that it makes Wood's 50's films seem like quality big studio B... Read more

Published on Nov 30 2003 by T. Dissinger

5.0 out of 5 stars Manos: What was that Fate Again?
This is my second attempt at reviewing this movie. Perhaps my first post made it and maybe it didn't. Read more

Published on Aug 11 2003 by jhomeboy

5.0 out of 5 stars Manos: What was that Fate Again?
Of all of the movies I have ever witnessed, I have labeled 'Manos' the worst. I have never seen 'Plan 9 From Outer Space,' but I have been told in enough detail that this would... Read more

Published on Aug 11 2003 by jhomeboy

Search Customer Reviews
Only search this product's reviews

› See all 11 customer reviews on Amazon.ca

Search Listmania!