Masterminds and Wingmen: Helping Our Boys Cope with Schoolyard Power, Locker-Room Tests, Girlfriends, and the New Rules of Boy World Hardcover – Sep 10 2013
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“Rosalind Wiseman, who so insightfully explained the world of girls in Queen Bees and Wannabes, has done it again. This book is a powerful exploration of the inner life of boys, which is far more complex than many parents and educators may realize. Wiseman reveals the unwritten rules boys must both abide by and try to overcome, and she helps parents understand boys’ reactions, as well as their own. This is an essential guide – not just for parents but anyone who wants to better understand their own childhood and its impact.”
“This book is a gem. Rosalind Wiseman offers readers deep, nuanced, up-to-the-minute insight into today's boy. She explains how and why boys, in so many areas, make it easy for parents and educators to miss out on their suffering and their strength. Most important, she shows how to reach out and lift boys up without getting on their nerves.”
--Wendy Mogel, PhD, author of the New York Times bestseller The Blessing of a Skinned Knee
"Rosalind Wiseman, the well-known ‘girl expert,’ has a real feel for the inner life of boys, and for the way they interact with their parents. Her new book, Masterminds and Wingmen, contains some of the best advice for communicating with boys that I’ve ever read: wise, clear and tough. The brilliant chapter on why boys lies to their parents is alone worth the price of the book.”
--Michael Thompson, coauthor of the New York Times bestseller Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys
“Trying to communicate with boys – teenage boys especially -- can sometimes feel like cracking the world’s most complicated secret code. What makes Masterminds and Wingmen so remarkable is how thoroughly it decrypts boy-world language. It allows us to really connect with boys. If you want to understand what’s in your son’s head, read this book!”
--Michael Gurian, New York Times bestselling author of The Wonder of Boys
“Rosalind Wiseman is perhaps America's foremost guide through the complex social hierarchies and cruel logics that govern adolescents' lives. And Masterminds and Wingmen maps the foreign territory of boys’ social and interior emotional lives as deftly and compassionately as Wiseman’s earlier book on girls. With clear analysis and down-to-earth practical advice, this book will guide many many conversations between parents and their sons.”
--Michael Kimmel, author of Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men
"Rosalind Wiseman brings a distinctive perspective and voice to whatever issue she takes up. She did it in Queen Bees and Wannabes. Now she's done it again, revealing the inner workings of 'Boy World.' I found the book insightful and useful, as both a father to sons and as a professional working with violent youth who must deal with the most serious life issues facing other people's sons."
--James Garbarino, PhD, author of Lost Boys: Why Our Sons Turn Violent and How We Can Save Them
“Don't even try parenting, teaching or coaching a boy without reading Wiseman's book -- a field manual that you’ll absolutely need if you wish to enter the strange and wondrous world of guys.”
--Richard Whitmire, author of Why Boys Fail: Saving Our Sons from an Educational System That's Leaving Them Behind
“The world bombards boys with confusing and destructive messages – the net result is the creation of characters instead of young men with character. Masterminds and Wingmen will help parents, teachers, and coaches understand young boys and make a difference in their lives. An intriguing read.”
--Dr. Kevin Leman, author of Have a New Kid by Friday
About the Author
ROSALIND WISEMAN is an internationally recognized expert on children, parenting, bullying, social justice, and ethical leadership, and the New York Times bestselling author of Queen Bees and Wannabes and Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads.See all Product Description
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Communication (guess what - that shrug and clipped "fine" can actually mean something)
Helping boys handle anger
Bullying/Teasing (not just about the victim - also what to do if you see it or are part of it)
Taking responsibility for actions
And more issues interwoven in the above topics
This book has a section devoted to each topic. You can read each section as you find time (or as you encounter an issue and want some quick insight). There's also a section on the effects of different parenting types.
This book is written with the input of over 160 boys. It's not an instruction manual on how to raise boys. Rather, it gives you a glimpse on how boys think, what their perceptions are, what they are feeling and the problems they face in today's world.
The author offers advice on how to deal with these issues given the input from the boys. She also includes "LANDMINES" or what not to do because it will backfire. Along with the landmines, she acknowledges you will probably find yourself in a landmine situation, then come to the book looking for advice. Don't worry, parenting usually offers you the ability to experience a situation more than once (smile), so you can refer to the book and have a better idea of how to handle yourself the next time.
Here's an example of some of the insight provided. It's from the chapter on video games following an explanation from a boy on how video games helped to save his life.
"I know is seems impossible to believe that a violent video game based on society's total destruction would make a guy feel more connected to other people and better about himself. If you look at the game he's referring to, you may really have a hard time believing it. But what we think doesn't matter. If boys are telling us that their real lives are so hard and they feel so worthless that escaping into a virtual world makes them feel better about themselves, that's their truth and it needs to be respected."
After reading this particular chapter, I came away with a better understanding of what my son and his friends may like about their online lives. I also can relax a bit because I see that my son still loves to go hang out with friends and pursue other interests. I also understand (at least from a boy's perspective) why the guys will cut each other down and act differently online than they do face to face. I feel better prepared to guide my son when this becomes an issue.
The advice in Masterminds & Wingmen will be invaluable to me as I navigate the teenage years.
I learned a ton from this book. And being open minded, a lot of what I was doing wrong. Rosalind and her crew of boys reveal the do's and don't of boy world and how us as parents can help guide, or be shut out of their lives. She breaks it down for you listing Landmines - things parents say and do that should be avoided (or perhaps reworded). She asks parents to "Check Their Baggage" making you think about your past experiences and how those are creeping into your current parenting style. And there are many quotes directly from BOYS themselves which are insightful and honest. It's eye opening. For example, I didn't know that boys lie so much or more importantly WHY!!?! I thought it was only my son, and now I have a new insight to the boy mind.
Wiseman dives deep into how our society has shaped where our boys are now and how society has shaped our parenting. There are many ah-ha moments throughout the book on how negative we as a collective have made it for our boys. From unrealistic, unfeeling superheroes, emasculating coaches, fathers who expect son's to obey, and the constant ridicule from each other. It was depressing for me to really soak in just how difficult boy world is. But she does has a lot of useful and applicable tools to help you parent and to help your son through the thick of it. You will learn the who is who in each pack of boys, how they enter the pack, and how they're shunned from the pack.
This is a timely book - including our modern technology, sexting - yes, your son may either take naked photos or receive them - gasp! The world we live in has definitely changed and Rosalind does not shy away from any of it. Video games are tackled as well. It's left to you on how you view each subject, she provides the information and suggestions and allows the parent to take it from there. You don't get preached out on any "right" way to do things, although there are tools and dialog provided if you chose to use them.
There is a chapter on special needs kids which hit home for me, as my son has Aspergers. This is important because these kids are growing by the masses and they are being mainstreamed into schools and boy world - and they are often huge targets for bullying because they are different. She approaches bullying from a fresh perspective, acknowledging how the word itself is now overused and what actions have been proven to be ineffective.
She does not touch upon religion, and I believe this book would compliment any teenage religious book you're looking to for guidance, as your son will be in a society and school that does not 100 percent live by your beliefs. Together, the two books should give you more perspective on how to keep your faith with your son while he's living in society as a whole.
I went back and forth between giving the book 4 or 5 stars because there are some topics where the author breezes past and I was left wanting more in-depth discussion. But I went with 5 after going back and looking at the many dog eared pages I plan to use as a springboard to discuss topics with my son, and his father. There are many!
I look forward to discussing with my mom friends who read the book (most parenting types in this book won't as they think they're perfect and don't need help parenting) but real parents who are always looking to grow and evolve and help their sons the best they can. Highly recommend for teachers, administrators, coaches, social workers, and parents.
Wiseman delivers a fairly thorough book that has helped me see things in a new light or reaffirmed what I already do, with quotes from boys underscoring and giving credibility to her opinions and advice. Wiseman included the input of boys throughout the writing process and I love that she used their quotes.
Wiseman covers a wide range of topics, everything from social circles in boys with labels for different types to different parenting profiles and the pitfalls of each to how to deal with breaking down the wall they put up yet giving them space to become independent young men. She discusses issues with anger, reasonable limits on video games, girls, homosexuality, and sports. The chapter on lying is brilliant and should be read by every parent.
I love the book and rate it 5 stars. I really appreciate this book and am recommending it to every parent of boys that I know.
My only criticism, which is not big enough to downgrade the book's star rating or to take away from my loving it is that she is light on empathy or sympathy for parents. She seems to have a heart for the boys more than for the parents. I know we are the adults but please give us some kudos for doing the right thing most of the time! Her discussion of gray areas is light (moral dilemmas) as is her advice on drug and alcohol use. When discussing really difficult topics she moves on so quickly sometimes that I was left wanting and needing more. Wiseman and I disagree on some things like when she says it's okay to punch a hole in the wall when angry, that the boy can learn to patch it up, yet she comes down on her kids more harshly with rules on video gaming than I think are reasonable, such as limiting weekend play time to 90 minutes a day. I have a hard time believing if her house was getting wrecked by teens throwing a tantrum that she'd just hand them the plaster and tell them to fix it, since she's a parent with a video game use contract!
But the most disappointing aspect, for me, was the bleak, fatalistic outlook. Wiseman's basic thesis is that no matter how hard you try to be a thoughtful, engaged parent, your boys are eventually going to withdraw from you and behave in reprehensible ways. I enjoy every minute I get to spend with my boys and have to believe my efforts to establish a strong bond with them will survive through their adolescent years and into adulthood.
The author does a good job of laying out all the issues normally associated with boys. Again, as a father who went through these things myself, a lot of it hit home and I found myself thinking, Oh yeh, I remember acting like that, or, That happened to me. Now, as a father, I realized that I wasn't in tune with the kid I once was, or my son, and I realized I was doing a lot things that don't help the situation. I clearly remember my parents responding to my situations like the author warns against in the book, and I remember thinking how their response didn't help at all, or made it worse.
Overall, I think the author's recommendations are no better than any other person's. So much of it is just common sense we find ourselves not doing. But kids are so different and there are so many variables, no one solution is going to fit all. So for some suggestions you might think, That ain't gonna work, and others you think, I am doing that, and then others, That sounds like a good idea to try.
The only thing I would crticize is the "quotes" from teenagers spinkled liberally thoughout the book. I'm sure the author got the thoughts from the kids, but all of them appear to have been edited and the grammar and wording just doesn't ring true to me. Some of the quotes appear to have come from kids right after the author had a session with them, because they repeat the same type of specific wording found in the same chapter as the quotes. Still, the idea is there, the quotes just seem too polished.
On the whole, as a father, I am glad I read this book as a way to readjust my mindset when it comes to dealing with my son. But, I think women are going to find this more insightful and useful.