Mega Piranha

Okay, I will preface this review by saying a few things: You can tell by the cover alone how bad this movie is going to be and may set your standards relatively low. Take those standards and set them considerably lower. Second of all, do not take this movie seriously. And third, do not actually pay money for this atrocity.

Hey, we all love movies where big killer animals run rampant and kill a bunch of people, right? This movie reminded me a bit of Deep Blue Sea...just a bit. Basically what happens is this itty bitty lab in Venezuela (I think) being funded by the U.N. has been experimenting on piranhas and created some kind of super-evolved form. But some of their specimens are either stolen or have escaped and are now breeding in the wild. First you see an idiot woman deciding to swim in an Amazonian river, and she and her boyfriend get pulled under and eaten a la Jaws. Then these piranhas bite through a small boat hard enough to sink it and eat everyone on board (you do get to see some topless chicks before this happens and for some, that may be this movie's only redeeming quality).

So someone involved with the government comes down to South America to investigate the boat incident because some important person was aboard and the Venezuelan government is convinced it's due to terrorist activity, but this agent (Jason Fitch) finds a trio of scientists who explain to him about the fish, how they were responsible for the boat attack and also tells about how the fish are evolving and growing. You learn that these fish will double in size every few hours and that they need to be stopped before they reach the States. The local military decides to shoot the fish to death with bullets and missiles...just blindly firing into the water and assuming they're all being killed. Well crap on a stick, only about 50 fish died and they're going upstream toward the ocean. I can't imagine why just shooting randomly into water wouldn't be enough to kill an entire school of fish, even if they are huge. And they are just plain hilarious to watch when they start wrecking the harbor - these whale-sized fish are hurling themselves out of the water and into buildings. There are many sky shots where you see fish stuck head-first in flaming buildings flailing around. Why would a fish do that? The number of fish were not decimated in any way despite so many making suicide jumps onto land either. In fact, I think as the film went on and the fish got closer to the U.S., they may have multiplied.

Eventually these piranhas reach the Florida Keys and The Secretary of Defense decides to launch a 20 kilo-ton nuclear missile at these fish when the government realizes these massive creatures are moving in too fast. This missile does absolutely nothing to harm these fish and they actually manage to sink the submarine by biting it. Next step is to send Fitch and a bunch of other people in scuba suits into the water with rifles and are told to blow the fish away or shoot them in the eyes. Oh, well, the scientist confirms that the fish's bodies are so strong and evolved that these bullets - which can sink a sub, by the way - cannot penetrate their flesh. So the divers are told to shoot their gills. No good. The fish manage to dodge the bullets too. Eventually a Venezuelan helicopter with the annoying military general becomes fish food when Fitch uses a "fish whistle" to call one of the enormous piranhas to actually leap out of the water and grab the aircraft in its mouth. From here, Fitch ducks into a coral reef that the fish cannot get into (but it can crush buildings) and shoots the helicopter until it explodes, blowing the fish's face open. This causes the other piranhas to gang up on the dead one and eat it, and we are supposed to assume they eat each other to death.

Yes, that's how they are killed - nukes don't even scratch them, but they kill one another because one died. The special effects are just funny because they're so bad - several flight scenes looked like a helicopter toy was being dangled in front of the camera lens. Others were just lazy in which the helicopter doesn't even change angle, but manages to do a 90-degree turn. I also love some of the random things the characters do that make no sense at all...like Fitch's phone battery dying and Tiffany (the female scientist) tells him to put it in his mouth for a few minutes to recharge it enough to send an SOS call. Because hey, sticking batteries in your mouth is always a wonderful idea. Or how this same scientist manages to use a tank of oxygen to fuel a helicopter just long enough to get it over the water and land it at a military base. Just...huh?

This is just such a cheesy movie, but it's a TV film, so you can't expect it to be genuinely good. Frankly I though it was horrible, and I wasn't even taking it seriously in the least. The computer animation is atrocious, there's a lot of obvious laziness, and several sequences are shown over and over again. I don't know if this was meant to be a serious film endeavor or not, but if you just go in knowing it's gonna be cheesy as hell, it might be more enjoyable because you're going to be laughing at how awful it is. A fun thing to do with a movie like this is to watch it with friends, mute the volume and add your own improv dialogue. If you watch it while under the influence of any sort of recreational substance, it could very well become a spiritually uplifting experience or maybe you'll discover the answer to one of life's deepest questions. But even if you watch this thing sober, believe me, you're gonna want to drink very shortly after the film begins.

Ah the absurdity of The Asylum and their dedication to creating affordable "Mock-Busters"- knockoff imitations of major Hollywood releases. So for Bay's Transformers, The Asylum created a look alike Transmorphers film. When Snakes on a Plane was released, The Asylum already had Snakes a Train available on DVD. For Aliens Vs Predator, there was an Alien Vs Hunter. For the Da Vinci Code, there was a Da Vinci's Treasure. And for Piranha 3-D there is this, Mega Piranha. I haven't seen seen Piranha 3-D yet, but I doubt it's anywhere near as crazy as The Asylum's Mega Piranha.

The only thing resembling a known figure in this movie is someone known only as Tiffany, perhaps better known from about 2 decades ago as a jail-bait pop singer. Though in her late thirties here, she is still pretty cute. I only mention this as that fact makes the film a bit easier to take, because, oh... it's so bad. But it's bad in a rather charming and entertaining way. The story is this: a trio of bumbling Scientitians have engineered a race of Giant Killer Mutant Piranha, just for the hell of it. Oops... they escaped! Now a Smart Chick and a Tuff Guy have to save the world from the killer fish. I think I might have written this story when I was about 6.

Nothing you'll see onscreen really makes any sense. Luckily, the actors themselves aren't taking the movie too seriously, and how could they? You'd need a Marlon Brando or a Morgan Freeman type actor to lend any amount of gravitas to such a stupid idea. It's completely mindless. In one scene, an idiotic scientist exclaims, "These things must be doubling in size every two days!" While another disagrees, countering: "No! This is exponential growth!" That's good writing!

Between the ludicrous lines, the Spanish 101 foreign language students as extras, and the Sepia filter on the camera lens, this is some kind of movie. Everything explodes and the tough guys all have their snappy one-liners. Tiffany outdoes herself with her acting, particularly as she ineffectually rages on the beach, "I just want to kill them all!" This movie is filled with laugh-out-loud moments.

There are some scenes in bad films that end up being captured and recorded online for endless posterity... those are the scenes that make movies like this better than the sum of their awful parts. This movie is full of such scenes. Sure, the dialog and story were written with kindergartners in mind. Sure, the special effects are only special in the "Rides the Short Bus" sense. Nowadays it's all CG, but just a few decades ago it would've been rotoscoped animation. Either way, it's about as believable. But when you see Piranha the size of houses leaping out of a shallow river, into hotels and offices and exploding like bombs, you'll know you've found a bit of a gem in this low-rent picture. You'll even overlook the plastic Nerf toys standing in as futuristic dart guns!

It's fun and funny and probably one of the most entertaining of the Syfy Channel "Saturday Night Movies" that I've seen. Don't pay money for this, but please trick one of your friends into renting it, because it's a must see.

In a brilliant bit of bad movie magic, 2011 heralds the arrival of the epic SyFy channel original movie "Mega Python vs Gatoroid." Not only is this another stunning example of a creature feature showdown between unlikely foes, it brings the estimable talents of two former pop princesses together. If you lived through the late eighties, you'll instantly be attracted to the idea of seeing Tiffany and Debbie Gibson go at it in a full fledged catfight. The film's comic rivalry is ludicrous and delightful! It's inspired casting, to be sure, because both ladies have previously graced the small screen in films featuring mutated monster mayhem. Debbie Gibson got the ball rolling with "Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus" while Tiffany took on "Mega Piranha." For the record, the star rating system used to evaluate these films will, obviously, be adjusted for a bad movie criteria. What makes a bad movie great? In my opinion (and my opinion only) it's the fun quotient and the commitment of the actors.

Here's my breakdown of the three films:
5 Stars: Mega Python vs Gatoroid
4 Stars: Mega Piranha
2 Stars: Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

In Shark vs Octopus, two giant prehistoric sea creatures are unleashed from their arctic tomb after some whales go wonky and crash into the ice. Mortal enemies, these two beasts also seem to be aggressively anti-man for within minutes they are chomping on (or squishing) boats, planes, offshore drilling platforms--basically anything they can sink their teeth in or wrap their tentacles around. Debbie Gibson is a researcher who may have the key to ending their reign of terror. With an old professor and a Japanese love interest, they whip up an intoxicating batch of pheromones to lure each of the creatures to a trap. Silly humans! Gibson tries to corral the shark in the populated San Francisco Bay area (why not?) but that leads to disaster. Maybe the only solution is for the two animals to battle each other! Despite some amusing graphics, I didn't have a lot of fun in this picture. Gibson and crew (including the most un-militaristic military man I've ever seen, Lorenzo Lamas) are a little too relaxed. Gibson's theatrics never rise above mild flirtation, so I didn't feel like enough was at stake in this bit of silliness.

I had no such qualms, however, about Tiffany's performance in Piranha! That's what makes this film such delightful nonsense--the actors act like the fate of the world rests in their hands. They sell it. In Venezuela, a batch of experimental piranha have been released into the river system. When a US diplomat is devoured, Greg Brady (I mean Barry Williams) sends a meathead (I mean analyst Paul Logan) to uncover the murderer (strangely enough, no one suspects fish initially). With Tiffany on hand as a local scientist, she and Logan must battle a corrupt militia and toothy fish that double in size every few hours. It's fast, frantic, and exceedingly silly especially as fish start flying into buildings--but the actors, once again, rise to the challenge at every opportunity. No, they're not good per se, but they are committed! It comes down to a rather dubious solution (where are pheromones when you need them?), but with no other creatures to battle--the piranha must destroy themselves.

Python vs Gatoroid really is the combination of everything sacred and good about these two films. Played with unabashed comedic elements, it embraces the silly so brilliantly--it's impossible to resist. Gibson and Tiffany are rivals (Debbie digs the snakes, Tiff is down with the gators) and the film mines all the possible pleasures this pairing can provide. Add the delightful Kathryn Joosten, some drugged chicken carcasses, a surprise musical guest, more delicious pheromones, hillbilly wisdom, and the aforementioned fight (a food fight no less--just what was that in Tiffany's cleavage?) and you've got a camptastic spectacular! A great bad film that's definitely in on its own joke, it's viewing nirvana. With two pop divas and three films, SyFy has set a new standard for absurd cinema! KGHarris, 2/11.

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