This is dedicated to all of the diehard MP fans and anyone else who appreciates drama, theatrics and humor.
This is a 4-disc set which will include the first 15 eps of Season 5. The reason why Season 5 is coming out in volumes is twofold. The fourth season didn't sell as well as expected and last summer CBS Video canceled the release of the full season boxed set. Because of an intense grassroots effort from fans the studio has decided to roll out the season in volumes, starting with this set, hitting stores in Feb. '09. If this sells well they will continue to release it (MP was on for 7 full seasons). The second reason why this is being released in volumes is because this season (like every MP season) was incredibly long. More than 30 full eps (some of which were 2 hours long). There was no other series in American primetime television that produced more eps in such a short period of time.
Watching Season 5 is like watching p0rno minus the really bad acting (well, mostly) and incredibly fugly chicks! It's cheap and vulgar and obscene and I love it!!! On one ep Amanda could be having a drunken roll in the sack with Craig on another she could be running into Kyle's cockpit! And, when sex-crazy Michael wasn't getting it at home (everyone's favorite kook Kimberly was suffering from a severe case of frigidity) he simply found a hooker (courtesy of his wife!) who satisfied all of his needs. Wasn't it so funny when Amanda made that pathetic celibacy vow? It only lasted about as long as it took her to slip out of her micro-mini! Just about everyone is getting their mojo strung. Except, of course for poor old Hilda Morris! Although, I seriously think that if Syd had fixed Hilda up with one of the resident-hotties (Jake, Billy or Matt, although he doesn't swing that way) Hilda would have dropped her ludicrous lawsuit quicker than you can say "G-Spot." Speaking of g-spots, didn't Taylor look like she was always getting it on with herself. It looked like she was always in this extreme heat of passion, like she was having an intense o-r-g@-s-m all the time! And when Peter came buzzing around her Taylor simply couldn't wait to jump his bones! Surprisingly, always-hungry-for-sloppy-seconds, Alison, only plays leap-frog with Jake during this Season! Although, Jake is enough man to satisify any woman! He's like a big, juicy, meaty, steak; you just can't wait to wrap your lips around it...! ...Like a Virgina Slim, it always fills your mouth with flavor! ...I tend to think that Samantha Riley used her sex as a weapon to control Billy. She was more shameless than Taylor and Megan. How else can all of those idiotic things that Billy did for her (he took her in after only knowing her for like what a month? took in her jail-bird daddy and supported them both!) be explained, otherwise? ...Even Arthur Field got into the act. Although Amanda made another one of her asinine threats to him, "I'll sue your pants off you." Field quickly replied, "you don't have to sue me to get my pants off." Yuuuuck!! That ugly, old thing looks like Mr. Burns! But I'm sure Amanda would have jumped on his soul-train if she needed help advancing at D&D!
These are the Season 5 Usual Suspects, Guests, Recurring Stars & Various Nobodys:
** Thomas Calabro / Dr. Michael h-o-r-n-y-as-a-toad-Mancini (he was the only character who was on the entire Series, without leaving; on entire Season)
** Heather The Star Locklear / Amanda "Queen of the Jungle" Woodward (on entire Season, after all she's the Star, although by now, she is getting very overdone)
** Andrew Shue / Billy boring-boring-boring Campbell (regrettably, he was on the entire Season)
** Josie Bissett / Jane Mancini (on up until the middle of Season 5 when she left the Series; she came back just over a year latter in Season 6)
** Courtney Thorne-Smith / Allison Parker (Allison's name has been spelled with both 1 "L" and 2, for this review, I'm spelling it with 2.) (on the entire Season too, thankfully it was her last)
** Grant Show / Jake the-sexiest-man-in-the-world Hanson (Jake was my kind of man, young and dumb and eager to please; on the entire Season; but this would be his last, sadly!)
** Doug Savant / Matt the-token-g-a-y Fielding (almost as boring as Billy, on the entire Season)
** Jack Wagner / Dr. Peter Burns (aka Dr. Feelgood or Dr. Jungle-Fever) (entire Season)
** Laura Leighton / Sydney Andrews (entire Season, this would also be Syd's last!)
** Marcia Cross / Dr. Kimberly (the most desperate housewife there is!) Shaw (left during the middle of Season 5, sadly because she was my favorite kook!)
** Rob Estes / Kyle (the Jake-wannabe) McBride (entire Season)
** Kelly Rutherford / Megan the-happy-hooker Mancini (originally Lewis) (started after the Season began in a small part that flourished into recurring status, similar to what happened to Lexi (aka "Mood Hair") in Season 6)
** Brooke Langton / Samantha Reilly (I hated this one more than even Allison, on entire Season, unfortunately)
** Lisa Rinna / Victoria "Vicki" Taylor McBride (I love Taylor & her big lips, on entire Season)
** David Charvet / Craig Field (after Jake, Craig was the hottest man in the building, started after the Season began, but was on the rest of the Season)
** Alyssa Milano / Jennifer Mancini (only had a small recurring role, towards the end of the Season, although she'd be back in Season 6)
** Patrick Muldoon / Richard Hart (left towards the beginning of the Season after like the 2nd ep, BTW, did get you a load of Richard's hirsute? Very sexy!)
** Dey Young / Dr. Irene Shulman otherwise known as "that Shulman Creature" by Taylor (only had a small recurring role, but she always managed to make a big splash (pardon the pun) when she was on)
** Katie Wright / Chelsea Fielding (only had a small & boring recurring role)
** Greg Evigan / Dr. Dan Hathaway (in the only, and I mean Only time in the entire history of "Melrose," Matt was involved in an interesting storyline, thanks to Dan, only on part of the Season in a recurring role)
** The late Scott Plank (he passed away in 2002) / Nick Reardon (not on entire Season, just had a recurring role)
** Edie McClurg / Hilda Morris (only on 3 eps, but this big-mama always managed to snatch the spotlight from Syd)
These are the Season 5 eps:
Living With Disaster (Sept. 9, 1996)
Richard starts playing with Jane's mind. Amanda travels out of town to gather information on her new husband, who's still in the slammer. Meanwhile, a mysterious woman in Boston (Taylor) reads of Peter's incarceration in the society papers and takes the red-eye to LA!
Over Dlck's Dead Body (Sept. 16, 1996)
Fist of all, don't you love the title of this ep? So "Melrose Place!!" Jane and Syd are still being tormented by Richard (YAWN!) Meanwhile, Taylor sets up shop at The Building and even rents Jo's old apartment.
Moving Violations (Sept. 23, 1996)
Syd and Jane get away from Richard's hairball scheme to entrap them. Jane's dumbbell roommate, Samantha comes to pick them up. Taylor brings Kyle by to see their new apartment. By the way, did you notice how incredibly nasty and sarcastic Amanda was to her? I mean, she was even mean-spirited by her own standards. Amanda's claws really came out when Taylor sashayed by. What was up with that?
Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love (Sept. 30, 1996)
Peter fires Sydney for selling his house while he was in jail and she threatens him with a sexual harassment suit. I love what Peter says to her: Lady, I was in jail for murder, a sex-charge would be a walk in the park! Speaking of fires, Jane accidently ignites a fire at Allison's new pad, just as sexy Jake is removing his shirt!
Un-Janed Melody (Oct. 28, 1996)
Pretty-boi Billy thinks he's too good for Jane when she tires to jump his bones, in an apparent scheme to win Jake back and make Allison envious. ...Taylor overhears Kimberly (who, after being investigated by the Medical Review Board gives up her medial license, is now Peter & Michael's receptionist) state that Peter is out of town on his honeymoon and just so happens to show up with Kyle! Amanda is less than thrilled to see them, especially Taylor. Field shows up at D&D and makes some waves with his eager-to-please son. And, in her "Melrose" debut, we meet everyone's favorite happy hooker. BTW, did you get a load of Megan as she was doing her little jogging routine on the beach? Things were moving in all different directions, like a bowl of jiggley jello; it reminded me of Tanya Harding in a spandex.
Jane's Addiction (Nov. 4, 1996)
Jane's still up to her (getting old) tricks as far as Allison and Jake are concerned. The malice (or should I say dementia) continues when she slashes Jake's tires. Meanwhile, Dan helps Matt with his dependency issues.
Young Doctors in Heat (Nov. 11, 1996)
Amanda is especially critical with Peter and they both fight like cats and dogs. (BTW, have you ever noticed that Amanda enjoys the chase even more than actually being caught? It's like once she's caught and has her man she's no longer happy and tries to ruin it.) Later in the ep, a very inebriated Peter "sleeps it off" on Kyle & Taylor's sofa while Taylor licks her lips as she stares him up and down. Michael is seeing a mystery woman who he's trying to learn about. Megan theatrically opens up her robe (to reveal her undressed body) and says to Michael: everything you need to know about me is right here. Also in this ep, Allison confronts Jane, regarding her loony antics.
Mission: Interpersonal (Nov. 11, 1996)
Note: both this ep & the one prior aired on the same date, however this is not a 2-hour show, it's 2 different eps. Taylor tells Peter who she really is and tries to ingratiate herself in his life. After an over-the-top breakdown Jane finally realizes that she was misdirecting her rage towards kind-hearted Jake (it was really Richard who she wanted to hurt.)
Farewell Mike's Concubine (Nov. 18, 1996)
Michael gets more serious about Megan, however Kimberly wants the relationship to end. And as we've learned in the past, what Kimberly wants Kimberly usually gets! Samantha (the little ice-princess) is put off when Craig tries to hop in the sack with her (what was she waiting for an engraved announcement on Wedgeford Crystal?)
Nice Work if You Can Get It (Nov. 25, 1996)
Craig pulls off a hostage take-over of D&D. Field makes allies with Amanda saying: unusual times call for unusual bedfellows. Meanwhile, Kyle beds Syd. And this is why I really didn't like Kyle. OK, yes his wife was huge hore, but he was really no better! And besides, what's good for the goose is good for the gander! Later, Jane goes home to visit her parents, because as she put it: I just don't know who I am anymore. I always liked Jane & Syd's mom, Katherine Andrews (Gail Strickland.) (Wasn't she somewhat of a drama-queen?) Anywho, Jane finds out that she was actually adopted and runs back to LA in search of her biological parent. Also on this ep Dan has a little scuffle with Jake who wants to know why Matt quit without giving him notice. (Matt was too scared to speak to Jake so he told Allison.) When Jake finally confronts Matt at Shooters, Dan says, "he doesn't have to give you notice." Jake replies, "what are you his lawyer." Dan, "No, I'm his lover."
Sole Sister (Dec. 2, 1996)
Kyle pushes Sydney away (you should know by now Syd's never been afraid of a wedding ring.) Craig is still hot for Samantha and even rents her a working studio. Dan is confronted by a former lover who makes a scene while Matt looks on in shock.
Quest for Mother (Dec. 9, 1996)
Kimberly no longer wants anything to do with Michael after finding out that her condition is terminal (she has a brain tumor!) Peter and Taylor light a candle in Beth's remembrance. And, Amanda is getting more and more peeved by Big-Peter's behavior. (I bet Taylor wouldn't mind getting her hands on Big-Peter!) Meanwhile, Jane finally meets Sherry (Donna Mills) her long-lost birth parent.
Crazy Love (Dec. 16, 1996)
Jane gets closer to Sherry, however the relationship is strained. Samantha acts like a big baby over her stupid paintings and even gets Billy involved. Billy gets the "board" at D&D to get Craig to take down her paining. OK, this is another hairball subplot. Hello, did the writers forget that Craig was the owner of the company? Billy said something like: Oh, I just sent an email to the "art review committee" telling them that it did not meet standards. Gimme a break, guy! You're so full of yourself!
The Accidental Doctor (Jan. 6, 1997)
Both Kyle and Michael play matchmaker as far as Amanda and Peter are concerned. Dan becomes physically abusive with Matt. I dunno about you, but I think it's pretty hot watching 2 g-a-y men fight. They should make a sport of it. G-a-y boxing?
Escape From L.A. (Jan. 13, 1997)
In another dramatic ep, Jane leaves LA for the safety of her parents' home, back in Chicago. (This will be Josie's last ep for more than a year!) I love how Katherine goes running after Sherry to "thank her." Meanwhile, Dan's able to convince his little leap-frog partner, Matt, to be his new permanent bunk-mate. However, after the move is nearly completed Dan attacks him. This time the usually docile Matt grows a backbone and fights back, giving Dan a much-deserved clock in the face!
Eyes of the Storm (Jan. 20, 1997)
Michael feels beholden to Kimberly (God knows why?) Amanda blackmails loose-lips Craig with the info that he spilled about his father. Dan and Matt exchange words in the courtyard, but being the perpetual good-guy that he always is, Matt refuses to allow Dan to "leave in that condition." Dan spends the night at Matt's (but not in the same bed.)
Better Homes and Condos (Jan. 27, 1997)
Kimberly is able to save Michael (after he and Megan went chasing after her in another one of her attention-seeking tricks) in enough time. Syd takes Jane's old apartment and Samantha (who isn't even paying rent!) puts up a foolish fight. (Did I tell you I can't stand this girl?) Sydney also gets more serious with Carter (Chad Lowe) in San Francisco. Also during this ep, Kyle's old bosom-buddy Nick comes for an extended-visit! Everyone seems to enjoy the presence of Nick. Everyone except for Taylor McBride! BTW, I love it when Nick says to Tayler (in a couple of eps later:) look, you little hore, I want you to be a wife to Kyle.
Great S-e-x-pectations (Feb. 3, 1997)
Note: this is a 2-part ep. Megan starts getting jealous of all the time that Michael is spending with Kimberly. (I suppose breaking up their marriage wasn't enough for her?) Taylor finds out that the new hospital chief-of-staff got the position because he was getting into his own weird positions with Dr. Shulman. (Talk about working hard for your money! My goodness, I bet even Shulman's snatch has teeth!) And, Taylor gladly relays the info to Peter who uses the gossip to his advantage. Never one to pass up an opportunity, Peter walks into the lady's lockeroom (@ Wilshire Memorial) while Shulman is changing and says to her: I know he's a married man and you're having s-e-x with him. And surprise, surprise! Peter soon becomes the new big chief at the hospital! In the second part of the ep, Kimberly begs Michael to sleep next to her for "old times sake." Craig is thinking with his other head when Amanda manages to get him to sign over half his portion of D&D to her! Speaking of Amanda, she dramatically chases after Allison when she decides to go and visit Meredith (after a fight with Jake and realizing that she was pregnant.) And upon her return, Allison stays with Amanda instead of going back to Jake's. Did I miss something? Doesn't these 2 hate each other?
Catch Her in the Lie (Feb. 10, 1997)
Michael sleeps with Kimberly and Megan is very upset. (It wasn't fully established, but this is a rare ep when I believe "sleep" just means sleep, not s-e-x.) Also, Kyle gives Carter a job. After bungling a bunch of tasks, Taylor sarcastically tells him that she's gonna have him wash dishes. And Carter says (and honestly means it, this isn't said sarcastically,:) Oh wow, I am so lucky. Taylor then turns to Syd and says: Oh you got a real winner there. LOL!! So funny!! Meanwhile, Craig pays Nick to dig up proof that these 2 animals (Peter & Taylor, who else?) are enjoying their own s-e-x sessions!
Men Are From Melrose (Feb. 17, 1997)
This is one of my favorite eps, because it's all about the lewd behavior of Peter and Taylor! Nick is following them and witnesses everything! He even catches them on a golf course; talk about a hole in one! Carter and Syd breakup because he overhears her talking about him.
Frames 'R' Us (Feb. 24, 1997)
Nick is dropping hints to Taylor that he has proof. Later in the ep, Peter and Taylor pull off an elaborate s-c-a-m to s-t-e-a-l the pictures back! It was so funny when Taylor actually ripped her halter-top to make it look like Nick attacked her! After Kyle throws him out (BTW, how exactly is that possible since it isn't his building?) Nick records a secret conversation between Peter and Taylor. It was so dramatic when he called Craig and played the tape for him saying "listen to the coming attractions." The following morning, Craig and Amanda show up at Peter's condo because as Craig said to Amanda, "I have to show you something." And they see Peter and Taylor going at it like rabbits in heat! It was almost d-e-v-i-o-u-s watching Peter, because he looked up, made eye contact with Amanda, and then went back to his business without even flinching! OMG, so Melrose! I love it, I love it, I love it!!! You think that's good? Later on, Amanda shows up at "Kyle's Restaurant" unannounced and Taylor sarcastically says to her: Amanda, what can I do for you? Amanda then s-u-c-k-e-r-punches her in the face, with a big, closed, fist!!!! It cannot get better than this!! This is just as good as Crystal Carrington and Alexis Colby!!!!!!!!! Oh before I forget, as the ep ends, Amanda, in a drunken stupor, decides to have s-ex- with Craig. Dare I say, the girl could do much worse? Roll on big-mama!
Screams From a Marriage (March 3, 1997)
This' another favorite of mine!! Amanda wants nothing further to do with Peter (or Craig, for that matter.) Meanwhile, things are just as salacious for the McBride's when jar-head Kyle starts putting 2 & 2 together. He goes to visit Nick who reluctantly plays the tape of Taylor & Peter's little chit-chat session. Kyle then goes berserk, smashes the tape player, and punches Nick in the face. (Keep in mind, during Season 7 Kyle goes waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off the deep end (not unlike Kimberly) so this may just be a prelude of what's in store, 2 years later!) ... Anyway, later on in the ep, Kyle packs up Taylor's things and throws her out. OK, this is my favorite scene in the Entire History of "Melrose" ~ After being thrown out, Taylor takes her cute little designer suitcase and starts walking through the courtyard to leave. En route to the building exit (you know right where the mailboxes are, through the archway, but before those 2 double-doors,) who should show up, but Amanda! YES, YES, YES!!!! Amanda says to her: Taking a trip, somewhere? So sorry to see you go. Taylor: Your husband's condo, actually!! OK, this is even better than the punch in the face!!! I love it!!! Amanda retorts: Well good for you, all you had to do was break up 2 marriages. But who's counting. (BTW, Amanda's "comeback" was nowhere near as good as Taylor's remark.)
101 Damnations (March 10, 1997)
After returning to the streets, Michael takes Megan back. ...Amanda and Kyle also learn of Peter & Taylor's familial background. Kyle also confronts Taylor, grabbing her arm in a somewhat abusive way. Peter comes running out saying: take your hands off her. Kyle: I just wanted to hear it straight from the horses, I mean hore's mouth!! Later on, Matt has problems to deal with when his troublesome niece, Chelsea, is left in his care. BORING! (Why couldn't they have kept with the Dan storyline for Matt? Oh wait, I know why, the honchos at Fox were way too h-o-m-o-phobic for any really good stories for Matt.)
From Here to Maternity (March 17, 1997)
Syd tries to negotiate with Hilda's lawyer who only has dollar signs in his eyes. In perhaps her only smart-remark ever, Samantha says to Sydney: just for the record, I hope Hilda cleans your clock. Who's Hilda? She's this cute redhead who comes to Syd's boutique. I love how Sydney says to her, "just so you know we don't have a very large selection of sizes" (emphasis on the word "large.") And Hilda then takes a nasty spill. Poor Hildegard!
Last Exit to Ohio (March 31, 1997)
Everyone's favorite mother-in-law, Marion Shaw (Janet Carroll) resurfaces to take Kimberly home. Get a load of the dinner between Kimberly, Marion, Michael and Megan. Does anyone else find that incredibly inappropriate? Anyway, this is a very sad ep, Kimberly is gone. Kimberly is no more. In honor of Kimberly's death I have a little song: Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch! Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead. Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed. Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead. She's gone where the goblins go, below - Below - below. Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out. Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low. Let them know The Wicked Witch is dead! (P.S. feel free replace the word "witch" with that word that starts with a capital "B" I'm sure you know which one!)
The Dead Wives Club (April 7, 1997)
Oh, before I forget, lemme tell you that Syd looses all of her assets to Hilda (this actually happened in the prior ep, but I was so enamored with Kimberly's situation that I plumb forgot about it.) I loved how Hilda was dramatically dressed in that ludicrous-looking neck-brace. The poor-thing was even in a wheel chair, too. Hilda makes herself fall down a flight of concrete stairs (making it look like Syd pushed her, remember Hilda was an old stunt girl.) Their presiding judge (where'd he come from, remember, this little stunt took place outside?) just so happens to witness this & everyone's holed back into court. (I sure bet if Syd set up a private liaison with perhaps Billy or Jake or even timid Matt, Hildegard would have dropped her bogus suit!) OK, on this ep, Syd finally decides to go to "work for Harry" (Markus Flanagan,) Hilda's unscrupulous lawyer; and she throws herself down Amanda's steps at a cocktail party she was hosting in honor of Kyle.
Deja Vu All Over Again (April 14, 1997)
Sydney is hurt worse than she thought she'd be. Harry advises her to keep her distance from Amanda and Craig, who tells Amanda that he will try to seduce Syd into dropping the suit. Later on, Kyle and Amanda discuss opening up a jazz club. Meanwhile, Michael's little sis Jennifer shows up unannounced. Michael gets her an interview at D&D because as he puts it "Amanda owes me one" (what exactly could Amanda "owe" Michael for??) Anyway, during the interview, Jennifer's behavior was beyond rude. Truth be told, I have never witnessed such a rude display of bad manners in my entire life. However, as the Season progresses, we all see the real Jennifer; she's a very sweet girl, that's a little rough around the edges; but very likable.
All Beths Are Off (April 14, 1997)
Jennifer bumps into Kyle at his restaurant and gives him a slap then runs off. It's later revealed that she was the girl who he had the affair with back in Boston! Michael-the-jack!ss throws his sister out, after that incident. Meanwhile, Allison (the other jack!ss) is hitting the bottle again. Her drinking gets so out-of-control that Amanda fires her (what is this like the 10th time she's been fired?) Also, Craig and Sydney get closer and this long-time viewer is elated to see that Syd is finally (getting) satisfied!
Ultimatums and the Single Guy (April 28, 1997)
The McBride's & Burns' discuss divorce at the restaurant. Taylor's taking to wearing some new ultra-conservative attire to peak her new live-in-lover's interest. I love when Amanda says to Taylor that her clothes are "ugly." It reminds me of the Season 6 ep, when on her wedding day (actually wedding evening) Taylor shows up unannounced and says to Amanda: Oh, by the way, your dress is hideous! Also in this ep, Syd starts working as a "consultant" at D&D. I love how Craig fights for his lady's honor and gets Harry to bug off!
Going Places (May 5, 1997)
With Michael's help, Taylor schemes to drug Peter and convince him that he has "rage epilepsy." It was so sick when Taylor egged Michael on to punch her so Peter would think she was really hurt! And then after she hits herself, did you see how she crawled up to Peter and starts kissing him. What a total deranged kook!
Secrets and Lies and More Lies (May 12, 1997)
Sydney undermines Amanda every chance she gets at D&D. Meanwhile, the Jazz club opens. And after seeing that Jennifer's working for Kyle, Amanda pushes him away. At the grand opening, Amanda throws herself onto Craig to make Syd jealous. This was done after Syd sarcastically said to Amanda: it's so sad watching the old lioness lose her teeth. (Another great line!)
Who's Afraid of Amanda Woodward? (May 12, 1997)
Note: this is a 2-part ep. In the first part, Syd and Craig decide to leave D&D and take all of Amanda's clients and employees with them! (I love Sydney but what makes her think that she's any match for Amanda in the business dept.?) When her assets are undermined, Amanda tries to back out of the jazz club deal. Meanwhile, Michael gets Taylor to make a spectacle out of herself so that Peter will cause a scene and Megan will report the "abuse" to Shulman. Later on, never-happy Allison stages a little show for Jake; she gets drunk with a friend so she can chase Jake away because the woman is never happy because she doesn't want to be happy! Good Riddance, Allison! You will not be missed! ...In the second part of the ep, Amanda suffers a breakdown over her agency. Jake gets his son and Colleen to move with him to Ojai. (It's sad that he's gone, but I am happy that at least Jake finally found happiness and was finally reunited with his son after all those years.) Peter realizes that Michael was behind his fall and attacks him at the office. Sydney finally finds love. She finally finds a man who will accept her for who she is. This is one of my favorite times for her, because in the 5 years that she was on the show she never really found unconditional love until she met Craig. It was very bittersweet when she was plowed down in her wedding dress, right after getting married!
Season 5 is the defining season of the trashiest, sleaziest, sexiest series that popularized (and polarized) casual affairs with multiple sex-partners! "Melrose" totally reminds me of Ms. Charly McClain's signature song: Who's cheatin' who an' who's bein' true? Who don't even care anymore...! That's so Melrose...!