Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother: Stories of Loss and Love [Hardcover]

I have two daughters adopted from China and will share this book with them as they grow up. It explains the desperation of the oppressed women of China, the intense need for a son and the social ails that exist. After reading the book, I ordered additional books so each of my daughters will eventually have one plus for several friends with children from China so their children can also develop a better understanding of the land of their birth. THIS BOOK SHOULD BE REQUIRED READING FOR ALL PEOPLE ADOPTIING FROM CHINA! It is both heartbreaking but realistic and will help anyone to know the difficulties of Chinese women, including those who are interested in international studies, women's studies, adoption, international business people and anyone with a general interest in world events.

Like the other reviewers, I am also an adoptive parent of two girls. Unlike the other reviewers, I haven't read the whole book, except for excerpt (ideally, I wish I could have given a N/A for rating, since I am not qualified as a book reviewer in this way). What I have read, I cringe. Unlike most other adoptive American parents, I am also a Chinese American and a child development psychologist, and I actually started working in Chinese orphanages to understand and improve care since our adoption.

I do not doubt the truthfulness of the author's stories. But just like the local television evening news that only shows crime, car accidents, fire, and animal abuse during the first 20 minutes of broadcast, a book focused solely on atrocities (and the most extreme at that!) may do a dis-service to China, its people, and most importantly, the girls we have adopted from there.

Like many other countries, China is evolving. In the orphanages I've been to (not as a visitor, but actually spend hours and days observing and studying care-giving and child development inside the rooms), things have improved a great deal. Throughout China, I have met dedicated parents, teachers, professionals, and government officials who worked against all odds for the abandoned children. Likewise, the flow of girls into orphanages are now mostly a thing of the past. Domestic adoption and foster care has flourished. Attitude towards girls have dramatically improved, along with the economic position and earning power of girls. (The flow of special needs children continues to be a major issue, and NGOs started by adoptive parents are helping to make a difference!) Even the orphanages have improved -- China has a higher level of care than most other countries. U.S. studies of adopted Chinese girls almost always found them to be healthier and better adjusted than children adopted from other countries. In all the travels of myself and my colleagues, we have seen over 100 orphanages. Only one or two fit the Dickensian description. Most are run by well intentioned administrators and hardworking (low-paying) caregivers.

From the excerpts I have read, I do not want to read more and cannot give this book to my girls, even after they grow up -- for the same reason that I turn off the television when news bombard us with the latest stories that bleed. Yes, my own girls' lives started on a street corner, but the world isn't all dark and cruel. I think of the mother who might have fought to spare the girl's life, who probably waited in hiding until the child was found. The strangers who found her and called the police. The doctors who labored to keep her alive (due to prematurity). I know personally the caregiver who took my baby into her arms on day 1 and helped her grow up attached and well for two years. I may be wrong to focus just on the kindness of strangers. But no more wrong than a book that seems to go out of its way to find atrocity and has largely ignored the enormous positive movement spurred by the Chinese people and the adoptive families during the last 10 years.

As a journalist expose of past atrocities, perhaps -- as a piece to tell my child about their life stories and their people and country, it is not.

We bought this book a few months ago in Hong Kong where we were delayed 6 hours before leaving to come home with our second child from China. This book put an even more clear focus on the feelings, emotions and stories of the Chinese mothers and their sacrifices on behalf of their children. It's painful to read which is why I feel it's important to read as it's so brutally honest with the experiences and emotions of what these birth families go through in the name of doing what is best for their child/ children and therefore part of the tapestry of their lives.

It makes me wish more than ever that there was a way to communicate with the birth mothers to let them know how very deeply and unconditionally their children, and they, are loved and appreciated by adoptive parents.

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