Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother: Stories of Loss and Love [Paperback]

This book recounts the personal stories of Chinese women who have lost their daughters. As a Chinese radio journalist, the author interviewed women from all over China to gather material for the radio program she hosted. The author found that many women shared stories of heartache, remorse, and guilt over the baby daughters they never saw grow to adulthood.

The book can be emotional as it chronicles some tough topics, including gendercide and gender inequality in China. For parents who are facing questions from children they adopted from China, this book is something you should read to learn more about country, the status of women in China, and other issues. One of the many points the author attempts to show is that just as your child has questions about his/her biological mother, the Chinese women who gave up children wonder where their children are and whether they have found mothers who love them. The author does a good job outlining the inner anguish felt by mothers who were separated from their daughters; these sentiments might be beneficial to share with adopted children who ask questions like, "Why did mommy give me away?"

All of the stories are unsettling. A former midwife tells of her pricing structure and the cost to deliver a highly prized boy over a girl and the preparation of a pot of water that could, depending on the baby's gender, be used to cleanse or dispatch a newborn. There is the account of the woman who cannot view a birthday party because of her past deeds. There is the story of the couple that had ten years to provide a male heir but all their pregnancies produced girls, leaving them to decide what to do with their daughters. These are only a few of the stories within the book.

The author discusses why Chinese families frequently prefer boys over girls. These reasons can include laws that prohibit females from inheriting property, traditions that require a son to care for aging parents, preferences for males who can work the land, and policies limiting the number of children a family can have. The author also highlights the treatment of mothers who bear daughters. Women, according to the author, are frequently subjected to years of verbal, emotional, and/or physical abuse and left without any standing within the community. Many are so consumed with guilt over the daughters that were killed or abandoned that they attempt suicide. The author outlines the various ways that a baby girl can be eliminated when unwanted by a family. If not selectively aborted, she may be drowned or smothered within moments of birth. Baby girls who do not meet these fates, may be abandoned, perhaps in the countryside, to fend for themselves.

In addition to the stories of women who were separated from their infants, the book includes sections on letters from mothers who adopted Chinese children, Chinese adoption laws, and the incidence of suicide among the Chinese.

Overall, the book is well-written. There were instances when additional footnotes or editing would have been beneficial. On more than one occasion, a reference is made to a topic that is not to be discussed or explained for several pages. One such occurrence was in the beginning of the book when a reference is made to MBL. The reader finds out several pages later than MBL stands for Mothers' Bridge of Love which is a charity established by the author to help Chinese women who have lost children, Chinese children who have been adopted and may lack and understanding of their cultural background, and children living in destitute conditions in China. In addition, sometimes the author's own commentary is drawn out. The author frequently takes several pages to express her surprise or anger over a story. While I recognize that the author is the medium for transmitting the stories to readers, I frequently just wanted to read the stories in the book and process them without the author's shock. I felt her expanded commentary sometimes detracted from the anguish and sadness of the women profiled and the book's overall themes.

There were times when I was reading this book that I just wanted to say, "Stop. Let this end" Eventually, as books do, the stories ended but my mind kept going and processing. This is not the type of book you forget about and is worth a spot on your "to read" list.

I have an adopted daughter from China and this is so near and dear to my heart. A fair warning. Some of the descriptions of how rural Chinese dispose of unwanted girls is graphic and disturbing. The perception and reality in China is that people must have a son. Everything from status, family honor and economics depends on it. It isn't that the girls aren't loved they simply cant be kept. If you loved the Good Women Of China, you will love this too. Enjoy.

Let me begin that it was by pure chance that I came upon this book. I'm not Chinese (culturally, though I have some Chinese blood), I've never been to China, I am not an orphan, I am not an anthropologist, I am not a mother, I don't know any adopted Chinese girls, nor do I know of any Chinese mothers who have lost a baby daughter... I am definitely *not* in the "target population" for this book. I am just a female college student eager about empowering women and also eager to learn more about women/women's issues around the world. I took a chance, read this book, and can confidently say that it is one of the best decisions in my college career.

When I was on vacation, I couldn't get my hands off this book. Aside from it being just a "cool insight" into the lives of Chinese mothers trying to survive during the Cultural Revolution, the one-child policy, the recent Westernization and huge gains in prosperity, and other important historical events in China; the book tells many poignant and heart-wrenching tales of the reasons why these Chinese women really don't have a social, cultural, or governmental (and sometimes educational) environment that allows choice aside from abortion, infanticide, or neglect. You are allowed a priceless ticket into the life of these Chinese women: the family expectations, the sheer lack of agency, the social stigmas (there are many!), the life-changing decisions, and more! Xinran comes from a one-of-a-kind perspective as she shares intimate stories of Chinese mothers that have been kept hidden for so long.

Though I've been using Amazon since middle school, this book was superb enough to warrant my first Amazon review (as a college student!! ~10 years later). I wanted to cry so many times while reading this book, but I couldn't organize the flood of feelings that the author, Xinran, drew from the depths of my heart - and I'm not even a mother!! So, if you want to read a book that will really get your head spinning from the numerous injustices against mothers/female infants and your heart learning of the beauties and tragedies of unconditional love, I highly, *highly* recommend this book.

Some unsatisfying things:
- This book is very anecdotal and if you're looking for facts and figures about Chinese demographics, you won't find many here. Here's some that I can share with you adapted from Mara Hvistendahl's "Unnatural Selection" and other online sources. As of 2009, more than 30 million people have died from AIDS and another ~33.3 million people currently live with AIDS. As of 2010, more than *180 million* women (more than the entire female population of the United States) are missing from the world from sex-selective abortion, female feticide/infanticide, neglect, and other forms of sexism.
- The "solution" offered by this book is somewhat narrow, which focuses on the lives of adopted Chinese female orphans who are distributed throughout the world. Not much to be said about steps to decrease male sex-selection globally and the devaluing of females in societies (usually just cheap excuse for babysitter/housekeeper in many countries).
- As a college student, I'm looking for current research and current methods and current everything academic. Though this book doesn't explicitly point to further scholarly books or papers, it has lit the fuse for a lifelong interest in everything this book mentions. LOVE IT!

The book is so enlightening and powerfully-written that my dissatisfactions seem very petty. Thanks, Xinran! I can't wait to, hopefully, contribute to the same cause when I become a professional!

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