Contents
Foreword by Abraham Lincoln
What I Would Be Thinking If I Were Billy Joel Driving to a Holiday Party Where I Knew There Was Going to Be a Piano
One Day, I'm Going to Open a Scented Candle Shoppe
Maximus Beer
Why I've Decided to Go Blonde
A Series of Letters to a Squirrel
Join Our Club!
Hey, David Sedaris -- Why Don't You Just Go Ahead and Suck It?
Erotic Fiction: The Elevator
A College Application Essay to Harvard That Might Have Been Written by a High School Senior Who Has Absolutely No Chance of Getting Accepted
Taco Party
Vampires -- Good for the Economy?
Grasshopper
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Meeting People More Famous Than You
My Custom Van
A Meditation on Salami
Now We Will Join Forces, You and I
Mordeena
Using the Socratic Method to Determine What It Would Take for Me to Voluntarily Eat Dog Shit for the Rest of My Life
Why I Used a Day-Glo Magic Marker to Color My Dick Yellow
Announcing the Imminent Arrival of the Handlebar Mustache Certain People Said I'd Never Be Able to Grow
Erotic Fiction: The Beach
When I Finally Get Around to Building My Robot, This Is What It Will Be Like
A Description of Myself for a Dating Service If I Were a Chicken
A Series of Letters to the First Girl I Ever Fingered
How I Might Address My Players at Halftime If I Were a Self-Loathing High School Football Coach in a Game Where We Were Losing 49-3
How I Might Address My Players at Halftime If I Were a Self-Loathing High School Football Coach in a Game Where We Were Winning 49-3
Testing the Infinite Monkey Probability Theorem
Job Orientation
This Is How I Party
A Suicide Note
Stan the Oracle
Lewis Black Hates Candy Corn: A Rebuttal
I No Longer Love You, Magic Unicorn
Some DJ Names I've Been Considering
I Have an Indomitable Spirit
Incident at the Torpedo
Good Skiing Form
An Open Letter to the Hairstylist Who Somehow Convinced Me to Get a Perm When I Was in Sixth Grade
Instructions for the Cleaning Lady
How to Approach the Sensitive Question: Anal?
Do Not Buy Tundra from a Door-to-Door Salesman
DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!!!
Erotic Fiction: The Mad Scientist
A Series of Letters to Celine Dion's Husband, René Angélil
Icky
A Few Words About My Jug Band
Chapter 19 of My Science Fiction Epic, The Pirates of Dagganon 6, Which I Am Only Able to Write Because of a Generous Grant from the Makers of Barq's Root Beer
My Top 50 New Year's Resolutions
In Conclusion: A First Draft of the Acceptance Speech I Plan to Give Upon Receiving Some Kind of Important Literary Prize for Writing This Book
Acknowledgments
