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My Horizontal Life [Kindle Edition]

Chelsea Handler
4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (28 customer reviews)

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Product Description

From Publishers Weekly

Opening with a cute story from when she was seven and photographed her parents having sex, stand-up comedian Handler goes on to discuss the virtues of the one-night stand, which amount to having sex early enough so you're not months into a relationship before you discover he's into "anal beads and duct tape." She discusses her quest for sex with a "black man," which doesn't work out because the date she finds on has a penis so large, she "would have had to be the size of the Lincoln Tunnel to accommodate that thing." After him, there's a "little midget," but she sobers up before sleeping with him. Next come a number of would-be partners with penises too small to consider. Finally, there's a guy Handler does sleep with, only an embarrassing incident involving a "giant skid mark" prevents her from seeing him again. By the end, Handler considers settling down with one man, which might actually net her more sex than these mostly unconsummated one-night stands. Anyone who laughs at the mere mention of vaginas and penises may find Handler's book almost as much fun as getting drunk and waking up in some stranger's bed.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.


"In a word: hilarious. In two: absolutely hilarious. These are some of the funniest stories I have ever read and they're also some of the most unexpectedly heartfelt." ---Laura Zigman, author of Animal Husbandry

Product Details

Customer Reviews

Most helpful customer reviews
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars So much fun! Jan. 23 2010
This book is pretty funny. I actually laughed out loud at least once per chapter. I didn't expect much from it and only started reading it out of boredom. The book is broken up into smaller stories (each chapter is a short story) which makes it easier to read if you only have small amounts of time to read - but you likely won't want to put it down as the stories are very amusing. I actually like this so much that I am interested in reading Chelsea Handler's other book, "Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea" - a book that I have seen the cover of many times and had assumed it would most definitely be very unfunny (I guess that's why they say, "Never judge a book by its cover"). If you like rude, crude, and embarrassing tales of promiscuity, you'll enjoy this read.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Chelsea Handler, You Are Too Funny. June 6 2013
By Leah-S
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
I first heard about Chelsea Handler when I started watching “Chelsea Lately” when it first aired, I immediately fell in love with her sense of humor & delivery, she’s hilarious!

The Book: It is truly laugh-out-loud funny, I was reading it at an office job on my lunch breaks & I would be laughing so hard in the break room, this girl leaves nothing to the imagination & is a true comic.

If you haven’t watched her show, watch it, & if you haven’t read her books, read them! This & “Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea.” Are by far my favorites, unfortunately, her most recent ones, not so much.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing Book. So Funny! May 27 2013
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
I read this in 24 hours! Chelsea Handler is the funniest woman ever! Her life stories are unbelievable!
DEFINITELY recommend this book!
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3 of 4 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars SIMPLY FABULOUS! Oct. 16 2005
Everyone should buy a copy of this hilarious memoir. Whether it be for yourself or a stocking stuffer, there's bound to be a few people in the family who will enjoy this book.
It's impossible not to laugh out loud during many of the chapters. Some definite highlights include the "nugget" chapter, the "Halloween party on Valentine's Day", and "High School reunion revenge" chapters...just to name a few. The witty comments exchanged between the characters are bound to have you in stitches. All chapters detail a relationship or a one-night stand, and believe me, it's a page-turner, impossible to put down.
It's a good summer read, nothing to take seriously. It won't win any Nobel Prizes anytime soon, but that's why I loved it. I hope there's a follow-up to this memoir.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Offensive... July 14 2010
I love to laugh and enjoy guilty pleasures such as Legally Blonde...but this was plain ignorant and offensive. Sorry...not recommended.
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4.0 out of 5 stars Very entertaining. Jan. 31 2010
By Lolla
I had never heard of Chelsea Handler before, but this book sounded interesting. I was looking for some light reading and I was not expecting much more than that from this book. However, it was great, very funny. I didn't want to put it down. The book kept me intrigued and wanting more. I can't wait to read more from Chelsea Handler, and I would recommend this to any of my friends who are looking for some fun chick lit.
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3.0 out of 5 stars Funny June 16 2011
By Fia
I love Chelsea Handler. She always makes me laugh on tv. I found this book really funny. But when it reached about half way through, I was a little tired of reading about HOW MUCH sex she actually had with so many men! lol There were so many stories it got a little boring after a while. But still a good and EASY read ;) lol
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3 of 4 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Disappointing May 17 2009
I usually love Chelsea Handler's comedy, but this book is just tasteless and trashy. She depicts herself as a very sleazy, promiscuous character, who will sleep with anyone and drink to the point of oblivion. Really bad attempt at humor, cliches, bad, bad, bad.
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Most recent customer reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
Published 9 months ago by Penny Atkinson
5.0 out of 5 stars What a great summer read
Chelsea Handler is hilarious. What a great summer read.
Published 9 months ago by Ashley Pharazyn
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
very funny, loved it
Published 10 months ago by Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Hilarious
I love Chelsea Handler, this book is hilarious! Warning: do not read in public or people will give you funny looks!
Published 12 months ago by melanie
5.0 out of 5 stars Hilarious!
If you can stand the raunchy humor, it is a fun and light read. A book I would read again and again just to take my mind off of daily stresses.
Published 16 months ago by Tobi Lysyk
5.0 out of 5 stars My Horizontal Life
My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler.
Another great read! lots of laughs and I also shared with friends, who loved it too!
Published on April 28 2013 by Dorinda Nightingale
5.0 out of 5 stars Hilarious
Chelsea Handler tells it like it is and it definitely made me LOL. Reading this book for book club and there will be lots to talk about!
Published on April 6 2012 by jaimejm
5.0 out of 5 stars Funny as hell
I was realy suprised with this book, I laughed out loud many times, great read... Now i want to read her other books
Published on Aug. 30 2011 by Michelle Tremblay
5.0 out of 5 stars Chelsea being Chelsea
This book is hilarious!
The more I read, the more I liked it. Each chapter has a unique twist. If you like Chelsea, you will definitely enjoy this read.
Published on June 28 2011 by Eehyo
5.0 out of 5 stars I read this horizontally
I read this, in bed for three hours and laughed so hard the bed was shaking constantly! The people downstairs must have thought I was having a very, very, very good time doing... Read more
Published on April 17 2011 by Taryn
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