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My Horizontal Life
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My Horizontal Life [Kindle Edition]

Chelsea Handler
4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (26 customer reviews)

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Product Description

From Publishers Weekly

Opening with a cute story from when she was seven and photographed her parents having sex, stand-up comedian Handler goes on to discuss the virtues of the one-night stand, which amount to having sex early enough so you're not months into a relationship before you discover he's into "anal beads and duct tape." She discusses her quest for sex with a "black man," which doesn't work out because the date she finds on has a penis so large, she "would have had to be the size of the Lincoln Tunnel to accommodate that thing." After him, there's a "little midget," but she sobers up before sleeping with him. Next come a number of would-be partners with penises too small to consider. Finally, there's a guy Handler does sleep with, only an embarrassing incident involving a "giant skid mark" prevents her from seeing him again. By the end, Handler considers settling down with one man, which might actually net her more sex than these mostly unconsummated one-night stands. Anyone who laughs at the mere mention of vaginas and penises may find Handler's book almost as much fun as getting drunk and waking up in some stranger's bed.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.


"In a word: hilarious. In two: absolutely hilarious. These are some of the funniest stories I have ever read and they're also some of the most unexpectedly heartfelt." ---Laura Zigman, author of Animal Husbandry

Product Details

  • Format: Kindle Edition
  • File Size: 316 KB
  • Print Length: 213 pages
  • Publisher: Bloomsbury USA (Sept. 6 2008)
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B002UM5BIM
  • Text-to-Speech: Not enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (26 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: #130,648 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Customer Reviews

Most helpful customer reviews
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Chelsea Handler, You Are Too Funny. June 6 2013
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
I first heard about Chelsea Handler when I started watching “Chelsea Lately” when it first aired, I immediately fell in love with her sense of humor & delivery, she’s hilarious!

The Book: It is truly laugh-out-loud funny, I was reading it at an office job on my lunch breaks & I would be laughing so hard in the break room, this girl leaves nothing to the imagination & is a true comic.

If you haven’t watched her show, watch it, & if you haven’t read her books, read them! This & “Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea.” Are by far my favorites, unfortunately, her most recent ones, not so much.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing Book. So Funny! May 27 2013
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
I read this in 24 hours! Chelsea Handler is the funniest woman ever! Her life stories are unbelievable!
DEFINITELY recommend this book!
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Offensive... July 14 2010
I love to laugh and enjoy guilty pleasures such as Legally Blonde...but this was plain ignorant and offensive. Sorry...not recommended.
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3 of 4 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars SIMPLY FABULOUS! Oct. 16 2005
Everyone should buy a copy of this hilarious memoir. Whether it be for yourself or a stocking stuffer, there's bound to be a few people in the family who will enjoy this book.
It's impossible not to laugh out loud during many of the chapters. Some definite highlights include the "nugget" chapter, the "Halloween party on Valentine's Day", and "High School reunion revenge" chapters...just to name a few. The witty comments exchanged between the characters are bound to have you in stitches. All chapters detail a relationship or a one-night stand, and believe me, it's a page-turner, impossible to put down.
It's a good summer read, nothing to take seriously. It won't win any Nobel Prizes anytime soon, but that's why I loved it. I hope there's a follow-up to this memoir.
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3 of 4 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Disappointing May 17 2009
I usually love Chelsea Handler's comedy, but this book is just tasteless and trashy. She depicts herself as a very sleazy, promiscuous character, who will sleep with anyone and drink to the point of oblivion. Really bad attempt at humor, cliches, bad, bad, bad.
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5.0 out of 5 stars Hilarious July 1 2014
By melanie
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
I love Chelsea Handler, this book is hilarious! Warning: do not read in public or people will give you funny looks!
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5.0 out of 5 stars Hilarious! Feb. 7 2014
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
If you can stand the raunchy humor, it is a fun and light read. A book I would read again and again just to take my mind off of daily stresses.
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5.0 out of 5 stars My Horizontal Life April 28 2013
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler.
Another great read! lots of laughs and I also shared with friends, who loved it too!
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Popular Highlights

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There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers. &quote;
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I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends. &quote;
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The great thing about sleeping with a midget is that first you get to have sex with them and then you can use them as a pillow. &quote;
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