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NEW Alone In The Dark (DVD)

DVD
2.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (3 customer reviews)
Price: CDN$ 10.79
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Alone In The Dark ~ Alone In The Dark

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Customer Reviews

2.3 out of 5 stars
2.3 out of 5 stars
Most helpful customer reviews
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars You can't say you haven't been warned Aug. 5 2010
By Daniel Jolley TOP 50 REVIEWER
Format:DVD
The only real entertainment you can get out of Alone in the Dark comes from reading its scathing reviews, many of which are hilarious in their no-holds-barred skewering of the film. It's amazing to me that Tara Reid and Uwe Boll still manage to find work in the business. Reid's puny acting skills seem to deteriorate further with every film she makes, while Boll has to be the worst "big name" director of the twenty-first century. Apparently, the movie was originally intended to have an actual storyline, but Uwe Boll decided to scrap it in favor of more explosions. I don't know how a decent actor like Christian Slater got involved with this movie or how he made it through the filming with his sanity intact, but he's pretty much the only thing this film has going for it.

This film bears little resemblance to the original trilogy of Alone in the Dark games. I don't have any experience with the later releases in the series, but the Edward Carnby of the original game was a regular private investigator who was sent to find a piano in the house of a man who committed suicide and suddenly found himself attacked by ghostly monsters. In the movie, he's a veritable action adventure hero with a mysterious childhood and a former career as an agent for a top secret paranormal investigation unit called Bureau 713. The whole story is built around the discovery of a previously unknown race of American Indians called the Abskani, who disappeared quite suddenly thousands of years ago after opening up a gateway to another dimension or something and letting something really, really bad into the world. Carnby (Christian Slater) left the bureau because all of the Abskani artifacts he found were immediately classified, thus preventing him from finding out the truth.
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4.0 out of 5 stars good Dec 23 2013
Format:DVD|Verified Purchase
i enjoyed the product a lot... pretty much like it was advised and even more... i can say im satisfied
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1 of 2 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Alone... and rightly so Feb. 23 2007
By E. A Solinas HALL OF FAME TOP 10 REVIEWER
Format:DVD
I laughed, I cried, it moved me... out of the theatre. Not fast enough, sadly, to escape the inept garbage bin that is "Alone in the Dark." It's the sort of movie that gets relegated to discount bins for four bucks, but isn't ever purchased -- poor direction, bad acting, and a script that pushes new boundaries of silliness.

It opens with an explanation about the Abskani, an ancient civilization who apparently worshiped demons -- and were somehow destroyed by them. Fast-forward to the twenty-first century, and you find that the adage about "those who don't learn from history) is true: Professor Hudgens (Mathew Walker) is obsessed with using Abskani artifacts, and only Edward Carnby (Christian Slater), a clone of Agent Mulder, can hope to stop him.

Carnby is haunted by nightmares that are somehow connected to those ancient demons, and by experiments that Hudgens performed years ago. He teams up with his museum-curator ex-girlfriend Aline (Tara Reid -- and no, I am not joking!) to stop Hudgens from using some ancient statue to release interdimensional aliens, who may destroy the entire human race.

It's an exhibition of wooden acting, an orgy of silly ideas, a giant steaming pile of celluloid that should have been relegated to late nights on the Sci Fi Channel. In fact, it's difficult to understand why this video game adaptation wasn't relegated to the "Direct to Video" bins, along with all the other bad horror flicks.

Where to begin? What bad thing about this is the worst? Let's start with Uwe Boll's direction -- it's leaden and uneven, full of slow-motion and quick cuts at all the wrong moments. Apparently nobody told Boll that alien beasties jumping out does NOT count as a shocking plot twist.
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews on Amazon.com (beta)
Amazon.com: 2.0 out of 5 stars  186 reviews
127 of 134 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Alone... and rightly so Jan. 29 2005
By E. A Solinas - Published on Amazon.com
I laughed, I cried, it moved me... out of the theatre. Not fast enough, sadly, to escape the inept garbage bin that is "Alone in the Dark." It's the sort of movie that gets relegated to discount bins for four bucks, but isn't ever purchased -- poor direction, bad acting, and a script that pushes new boundaries of silliness.

It opens with an explanation about the Abskani, an ancient civilization who apparently worshiped demons -- and were somehow destroyed by them. Fast-forward to the twenty-first century, and you find that the adage about "those who don't learn from history) is true: Professor Hudgens (Mathew Walker) is obsessed with using Abskani artifacts, and only Edward Carnby (Christian Slater), a clone of Agent Mulder, can hope to stop him.

Carnby is haunted by nightmares that are somehow connected to those ancient demons, and by experiments that Hudgens performed years ago. He teams up with his museum-curator ex-girlfriend Aline (Tara Reid -- and no, I am not joking!) to stop Hudgens from using some ancient statue to release interdimensional aliens, who may destroy the entire human race.

It's an exhibition of wooden acting, an orgy of silly ideas, a giant steaming pile of celluloid that should have been relegated to late nights on the Sci Fi Channel. In fact, it's difficult to understand why this video game adaptation wasn't relegated to the "Direct to Video" bins, along with all the other bad horror flicks.

Where to begin? What bad thing about this is the worst? Let's start with Uwe Boll's direction -- it's leaden and uneven, full of slow-motion and quick cuts at all the wrong moments. Apparently nobody told Boll that alien beasties jumping out does NOT count as a shocking plot twist. At least Boll wasn't directly responsible for the script, which includes an out-of-the-blue sex scene, and Aline reading ancient scripts by memory.

The acting never becomes much better than the script or direction -- Slater and Dorff are sleepwalking through their roles. And Tara Reid manages a bit of hilarity as a scientist -- we know she's smart, because she wears glasses. It's like watching Paris Hilton pretend to be a particle physicist. How many museum curators wear pants that tight?

Uwe Boll should not direct any more movies. After the ridiculously bad creation that is "Alone in the Dark," I wouldn't trust him to direct a documentary on seaweed, because he would probably botch it up. This movie deserves instant oblivion.
60 of 66 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Cerebral novocaine June 11 2005
By Jeffrey Leach - Published on Amazon.com
Format:DVD
We saw "House of the Dead" and blanched in sheer horror at the ineptness apparent in every scene. We gaped at the use of actual videogame footage spliced into the aforementioned movie. We shrieked in terror, not at the so-called horror elements of the film, but at the fact that Jurgen Prochnow deigned to appear in such trash. And we absolutely wept with soul shattering intensity to see the venerable character actor Clint Howard saddled with an annoying lisp while sporting a cheesy looking yellow rain slicker. As the credits rolled in "House of the Dead," we felt a moment of elation because we realized calling Jack Kevorkian was not necessary, that we would recover from the worst film experience many of us had witnessed in some time. Such was the experience of many viewers' regarding their first encounter with the indomitable Uwe Boll's freshman cinematic disaster. Then came "Alone in the Dark," and the nightmare continued. Who among us will have the bravery to climb to the peak of the highest mountain and shriek at the top of their lungs, "Get thee behind me, Uwe Boll?" From the looks of it, just about everyone who has seen this disaster. No one, thankfully, pulls any punches in describing this train wreck.

Christian Slater's character Edward Carnby has a serious problem. No, it's not appearing in Uwe Boll's film, although that would certainly classify as an insurmountable difficulty. Carnby's primary problem, first elaborated on in an introductory screen scrawl that roughly equals the length of the Oxford English Dictionary, involves an ancient race of technologically advanced people called the Abracadabras...er, I mean the Aldonovas...darn, the Abskani! Yeah, that's it, the Abskani. I think. Anyway, these prehistoric yahoos accidentally opened up some portal between the world of light and the world of dark, thus allowing evil creatures that look like something H.G. Giger upchucked after a Jagermeister binge to enter our world. The Abskani died off as a result, but they left behind a bunch of artifacts scattered throughout the world that, if properly collected and utilized, will allow humanity to close the portal once again. If it's been opened in the first place, that is, which apparently occurs when some old coot named Professor Hudgens (Mathew Walker) conducts some crackpot experiment with a bunch of kids. One of these kiddies was Eddie Carnby. Now a whole bunch of years later, Carnby is trying to find out what happened to him when he was just a wee lad.

You'll forgive me if my memory starts to blank at this point, but I'll be darned if I can form a coherent narrative concerning the rest of the film. Hudgens had something to do with forming a top-secret government agency entitled Bureau 713 charged with investigating the paranormal. Carnby was once a member but has since struck out alone much to the chagrin of his former colleague Richards (Stephen Dorff). In the middle of all of this artifact gatherin' we meet Aline Cedrac (Tara Reid), a brainy archeologist and protégé of Hudgens who just happened to date Carnby at some point in the past. I'd appreciate it if you stop laughing over the idea of Reid as an archeologist and keep reading the review. Thank you. Anyway, some superhuman yutz tries to kill Carnby but fails, and our hero soon turns up to engage Aline in his current quest to discover his missing past. Boll starts tossing out scene after scene of pure schlock, most of which involve highly stylized gunfights involving Carnby, Cedrac, the jackbooted thugs over at Bureau 713, and the Giger beasties. Everything is just as it seems as "Alone in the Dark" judders to its closing credits amidst a shriek of screeching metal and smashing glass. Will Carnby uncover his past? Will Aline Cedrac start wearing contact lenses? Will Richards quit striking macho poses? Who cares?

"Alone in the Dark" is to film what Chernobyl is to nuclear power. Aside from a few interesting shots, primarily the beasties running through a forest and the glimpses we see of the demons' hiding place, nothing works. The cackhanded script, written by no less than three now unemployable hacks, is so full of plot holes that any attempt to explicate on them here at length is an exercise in futility. The dialogue is the equivalent of fingernails on a chalkboard, the pacing moves in fits and starts, and the acting is utterly hopeless. Tara Reid as a scientist? Strikes one, two, and three right there. Christian Slater and Stephen Dorff try to do right with a horrible script, but I think it's safe to say both men might want to reconsider their career options after appearing in this atrocity. I hear Kmart is hiring. Dorff especially is in big trouble. With "Feardotcom" and "Alone in the Dark" on his resume, he'll be lucky to qualify for welfare. Congratulations, Uwe Boll--you've managed to wreck more careers than the Hollywood blacklist.

What really frightens me about Boll is his upcoming project "Bloodrayne." I feel that I should go see this film in the theater. Why? Because the inevitable comparisons between this director and Ed Wood practically demand that lovers of bad cinema should sit up and pay attention. I never had the chance to see "Plan 9 From Outer Space" on the big screen, but I do have the opportunity to see an Uwe Boll disaster at the local multiplex. One day that might mean something. Or it might keep me out of heaven. Either way, Herr Boll's formidable prowess at churning out total pap seems impervious to the outraged shrieks of the viewing public. Watch "Alone in the Dark" at your own peril.
38 of 43 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Arthur Conan Doyle's "The Case of the Five-Star Reviews". Feb. 9 2005
By Mr Vess - Published on Amazon.com
Ladies and gentlemen, may we bring the five star reviews present here to your attention, and may we point out the obvious facts:

1: They are all written in lowercase characters - and so are the account names of their posters.

2: They contain identical adjectives ("hot", "funny") and nouns ("action", "cast") as praises.

3: They share the same spelling mistakes (or are these inept attempts to impersonate an incompetent speller?)

4: They all consist of one sentence only.

5: They all come from freshly registered accounts with no reviews of any products other than UwEbola's film.

6: 90% of the account names of "these reviewers" contain references to an awkward musical genre which, if I recall correctly, is named "gangsta rap".

Ergo, only one question remains: was the person who registered all these accounts and posted all these reviews *ordered* to do so by, say, a Lion's Gate executive, or has s/he acted out of a foolish, misguided sense of loyalty to Uwebola?
11 of 12 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars HILARIOUS....for all the wrong reasons. March 7 2005
By K. Tobias - Published on Amazon.com
Format:DVD
Before I go through this, I want to credit Pete Hartlaub for this review. I just wanted to show this to you Amazon buyers in case you are actually considering buying this. Honesty...I will buy a month after it comes out. By then, it'll be in the $5.50 bin at Wal-Mart and it will make for a great Saturday night of laughs. Good grief. Anyways, here's Pete's review.

"Alone in the Dark" is the best Ed Wood movie never made. It fails so miserably as both an action and horror picture that it succeeds as a comedy. It's a film so mind-blowingly horrible that it teeters on the edge of cinematic immortality.

Just how bad/good is this movie?

Perpetual Maxim cover girl Tara Reid not only plays an archaeologist, but she also utters the phrase, "I need to study these artifacts" and on multiple occasions saves the good guys by translating ancient American Indian scripture. No, Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie do not show up to perform brain surgery in "Alone in the Dark," but you will fully expect to find that deleted scene on the DVD.

The movie begins with an incredibly long scroll of text explaining a backstory involving a portal to another dimension, an unspeakable evil and orphans who were used as scientific experiments. Just when you think every possible cliche has been used in the first five minutes, Christian Slater shows up as one of those orphans, who has grown up to become a loose-cannon member of a paranormal investigation team and gets thrown off the job.

From the moment Slater appears, it's clear this movie is going to be telling-your-friends-about-it-the-next-day weird.

For starters, the "Pump up the Volume" star dresses as if he's raided the wardrobe truck from an early 1990s Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, running through most of "Alone in the Dark" in a black ribbed tank top, jeans and brown leather trench coat. At least half of the actor's dialogue appears to have been written for the movie poster tagline. ("Being afraid of the dark is what keeps most of us alive!") The rest of his lines are delivered in sporadic voice-overs, which seem to have been added in postproduction to spackle in the giant plot holes created by director Uwe Boll.

Let's talk about Boll. What the young director has created here is more of a drinking game than a movie, with scenes that are not only laughably bad but also repeat themselves.

A team of soldiers blows up a hallway full of priceless artwork. (Take a drink.) Reid uses a four-syllable science word when it's clear from her confused delivery that she has no idea what it means. (Drink.) Slater utters yet another cryptic line about his fear of the dark. (Drink.)

Seriously, Boll appears to have one goal here, and that's convincing Tim Burton to film a biopic about him. "Alone in the Dark" is the director's second movie based on a video game, and he has at least two more on the way. But no one could create anything this weird without someone else with an established background in bad cinema. And sure enough, the credits list screenwriter Elan Matsai, who also wrote a film called "MVP2: Most Vertical Primate."

This movie gets an empty chair, but it just as easily could have received a clapping guy, and probably would have if there were any acknowledgement in the production notes that the whole thing was supposed to be a joke. Add a few oral sex jokes and replace the actors with marionettes, and "Alone in the Dark" could end up with rave reviews as a sequel to "Team America: World Police."

While the movie isn't quite bad enough to be considered the "Plan 9 From Outer Space" of the 21st century, it's not overstating matters to call "Alone in the Dark" this generation's "C.H.U.D."

Every casting decision, camera angle, special effect and sound seems created as a dare to leave the theater. The fight choreography appears to have been taken from an episode of "Lost in Space," the musical score sounds as if it were composed on a 1983 Casio keyboard bought at a garage sale, and even the extras seem as if they were selected for their background incompetence.

On second thought, you probably need to see this movie for yourself. If nothing else, it's worth the bargain-matinee price to watch Slater utter the line "There's a price to pay for bringing darkness back into the light." (Drink.)
14 of 16 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Ugh!! Sept. 19 2005
By Pinktulip - Published on Amazon.com
Format:DVD
The synopsis of this movie is good but that is where it ends. The acting was horrible, the flow of the movie was stilted, and the love scene, if you can call it that, was inappropriate and gratuitous. I all for a little sex in a movie, but this one just came out of nowhere. By the end I just wanted to monsters to eat them all and be done with it. If I could give this movie 0 stars, I would. It was a waste of time and money to rent this. Maybe a different director could have made a difference, we'll never know. I hope Christian Slater starts to pick his scripts a little more carefully in the future or I might have to write him off.
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