24 of 24 people found the following review helpful
- Published on Amazon.com
I received my book two days ago, and once I began reading, I didn't want to put it down. Sadly, I'm an expert on what it feels like to miscarry, after having four of them. Each one equally as painful. My husband and I are now on the path to adoption, but there are many emotions I still have to work through concerning my miscarriages. I Never Held You helped greatly.
I realized my losses were just as real as any other. My babies were just as real- but, I never got to hold them. I also came to understand through Dr. Backman's expert words on grief that I needed to go through the process of grieving in order to better able move on.
The author's account of her miscarriage was very much like two of my own. My other's were far earlier along in my pregnancy, but hurt just the same. I could completely relate to how she felt when the doctor told her the fetus was no longer viable, and medical terms only serve to make a horrible nightmare even more so. Her numbness, shock, and disbelief at how easily her miscarriage seemed to be dismissed was also felt by me, and each time I miscarried, I was so emotionally lost that I didn't speak up and ask the doctor questions.
This book started out by gently guiding me through the grieving process: taking me from the initial shock of miscarriage to eventually moving on with my life. Never once did the author or the doctor suggest I forget my miscarriage. Quite the opposite, and I am grateful for that. Who in their right mind could ever forget such a tragic event? I learned there's a difference between moving on with your life and forgetting. Just because you move on, as my husband and I are with adoption, does not mean I am forgetting the precious babies I lost. They will always remain in my heart. While reading this book, I felt like I had a Psychologist right by my side- making me feel okay with myself. I also felt I had a friend who truly cared about me and understood what I was going through when reading the author's words. She is like me, and I like her. All of us really do feel the same kind of pain, even though the circumstances may be different.
I Never Held You then explores different coping tools- and they're for life, not just miscarriage. I gained such benefit from this, and came to realize many things about myself and how I can set free so much of my stresses by practicing some of the techniques mentioned in this book. I used to practice Yoga, and am beginning again. We just got a dog, and I'll be taking him for walks to sooth my mind and take a break from my thoughts.
In particular, I loved Ms. DuBois chapter on Finding Your Creative Self. I lost her a long time ago, and came to understand that I still was the creative woman I'd given up on long ago. I used to paint all the time when I lived at home and in college. After getting married and joining the full time workforce, I found very little time to nurture that part of myself. This book brought about the realization that I need to nurture my creative self in order to feel good about who I am again and take some of my focus away from the pain of my miscarriages. It's about balance, and I never would have dug out my old easle and purchased some new paints had it not been for this wonderful, compassionate book.
A side note: I lost my father about three years ago. I Never Held You deals with the loss of miscarriage, but also applies to any loss. I found great comfort and help with the grief over my father, which I didn't expect to find.
Thank you to the author, Ellen DuBois, and to Dr. Backman. You've helped in more ways than I ever imagined.
16 of 16 people found the following review helpful
- Published on Amazon.com
This book gave me so much more than I expected. Having miscarried in January, I've been so lost ever since. I've read some pretty decent books, and have taken heart in the stories of other women. But, I Never Held You offered me not only the author's story of miscarriage, but guided me through the grief process with the words of Dr. Backman. Ms. DuBois honest revealing of her pain and sometimes feeling like she was 'losing it' made me feel like I wasn't crazy for being so devastated after my miscarriage. Dr. Backman also lost a baby, and that gave her even more credibility- I knew she felt what I did and was not merely 'talking' about it in a clinical sense. What I didn't expect from this book were all the tools for coping and living. Ms. DuBois shares tips and lets you know that not everything she writes about is for everyone. You can pick and choose what feels right for you. From exercise and yoga to relieve stress and a chapter on panic attacks, which I also suffer from, I found more than I could ever want to get through not only my miscarriage, but with other things in my life that were present before my miscarriage, or entered my life as a result of my miscarriage. My panic attacks had gone away for several years until I lost my baby. I didn't expect to find help with those in this book, but I did- and am so grateful. If you're into faith, this book dives into it in certain parts, but if you're not, there are so many other things to read and gain support from. There's even a 'Thoughts to Ponder' section which made me count my blessings because it covers things like friendship and how joyful children are to be around and how they teach us to relax. These stories in her Thoughts to Ponder section also cover how you can't control everything in this life-including your miscarriage. Her story about a homeless woman made me thankful just to have a place to live. Ms. DuBois included these thoughts to help the reader realize that when you're lost in grief after miscarriage, there's another side to life that's often missed. It really does help balance things out. I still have my bad days, but I know it's normal-especially after reading I Never Held You. This book gave me more than hope. It gave me help.
20 of 22 people found the following review helpful
Linda R. Backman
- Published on Amazon.com
It is so heartening to read the reviews being listed here on Amazon about I Never Held You. While you might not think that I, Dr. Linda Backman who wrote commentaries for INHY, needed to write a review about this wonderful book...I kindly disagree. Ellen DuBois is to be thanked for her tenacity to assist others who have walked the same path as she. So many years ago, 34 to be exact, when I was so in need of being understood and supported in my own grief over the loss of our 26 week gestation little boy, Adam....this book would have been a true "Godsend"! When I say that I thought I was "loosing my mind"....I'm not exaggerating. Ellen's caring devotion to being of help to those of you out there....and unfortunately miscarriage is so common...is beautiful. So, my final comment to you is to validate the pain you feel no matter how long you carried your baby....and don't let people convince you that you should not be grieving. And, let this beautiful book be a support to you.
12 of 12 people found the following review helpful
- Published on Amazon.com
The title of this book certainly caught my eye while looking for a resource dealing with miscarriage. The back cover of the book makes this one sound like it contains many first-person accounts to make one feel they are not alone in the experience. However, once you start reading this, they are few and far between. This book spends a lot of time talking about breathing techniques, the benefits of yoga and excercise, etc. If that's the type of book you're looking for, then this would be great. It's just not what I expected. If you're looking for first-person accounts on miscarriage, I suggest the following: Miscarriage: Women Sharing from the Heart
8 of 8 people found the following review helpful
- Published on Amazon.com
It's not easy to review a book on miscarriage when it only happened one month ago. Just writing about it makes me want to cry. But, I felt it was important to share how much this book helped me. I know I'll keep using it when times get really rough, which is most days. I learned that I'm going through a real grieving process because my baby died. It was just as real as any other person dying that I loved. (I know from experience because my Mother died about seven years ago). I found so much comfort, especially with my emotions being all over the place, in this book. Miscarriage does that to you. I'm only human and my baby and the dreams for my baby are gone. My life felt ripped apart when I miscarried and still does. This book assured me it's normal- I'm normal. Ellen DuBois' writing is touching and goes straight to the heart. Her honesty about her feelings, lack of support and all the crying she did made me feel much less alone. I, like her, can't even go past baby food in the grocery store without feeling like I want to run out of there and hide. Dr. Linda Backman, a grief specialist, explained grieving over the loss of my baby like nobody else could. (That also applied to losing my Mom, and I was only 15 when it happened). I've never been to a professional psychologist, but felt like I was with one when reading her chapters. I don't know when I'll be able to move forward, but I've stopped beating myself up for being stuck right now because it's normal to be stuck. I realize, through this book, that I need to give myself a break to get over what others sometimes make out to be nothing or at least, not so big a deal. It is a big deal. Other than losing my mother, it's the worst thing that ever happened to me, and to my husband, who also gained help from this book. It taught him things about me and what I am feeling that I can't explain. I love this book and will keep turning to it whenever I feel like I'm losing it, which is often.
My Dad is a very strong man. When we lost my mother almost seven years ago, it turned our lives inside out. I wish we had this book back then, even though the title says miscarriage, it really applies in many ways to any loss of someone you love. At first I was afraid to share this book with him because I didn't want to cause him pain by bringing up the memories of my Mom's death. But, this book deals with the loss of a loved one, too, not just my baby. So, I shared it with him and although he didn't say much at first, he told me later that many of the things said about grief, allowing yourself to feel, and the entire grieving process explained so warmly by Dr. Backman helped him to grow and heal more than he had in a long time.
I thank you for this wonderful book of support, and so do my father and husband. It's been a blessing in my life, and I believe it will carry me through some very dark days ahead. I think the most important thing is that although it's really hard to believe I'll ever see a brighter side to life, I know I will and have faith I will- all because of this book.
I have to thank my best friend for getting me to try to search for help. She actually found this book online, and got it for me. So, thank you Chris.