I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery Paperback – Jan 23 2006
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About the Author
Ellen M. DuBois is the author of I Never Held You, a book about miscarriage, healing and recovery and Host of MiscarriageHelp.com, the companion support site. Having experienced a miscarriage herself, she knows first-hand of the pain, isolation and often dismissive attitudes which accompany miscarriage. She is here to do her part in bringing miscarriage support and awareness to light. "To those of you who have lost a baby, or babies, to miscarriage, I am deeply sorry for your loss."- Ellen M. DuBois Ellen recalls: "I remember going into bookstores searching for something to assure me I wasn't alone in my struggle. Nothing was available back then, (some nineteen years ago). Every time I searched through the maze of books, I'd find ones about having a baby- not losing one-especially not to miscarriage. What about those of us who never got to see or hold our babies?" Hence, I Never Held You was born. It was born out of a need deep within her to reach out to others. She didn't want anyone to feel as alone as she did after her miscarriage. To Ms. DuBois, healing certainly doesn't mean forgetting. She believes she's forever connected to the baby she lost all those years ago- the baby boy named Alex. Through Ellen's pain and adversity, strength and support have grown into an outreach to those who have miscarried through both her book and support site, MiscarriageHelp.com. Ms. DuBois resides in Massachusetts. She is an author, a published greeting card writer with Blue Mountain Arts, Host of MiscarriageHelp.com, and a piano teacher to over 30 students ages five and up.
Most Helpful Customer Reviews on Amazon.com (beta)
I realized my losses were just as real as any other. My babies were just as real- but, I never got to hold them. I also came to understand through Dr. Backman's expert words on grief that I needed to go through the process of grieving in order to better able move on.
The author's account of her miscarriage was very much like two of my own. My other's were far earlier along in my pregnancy, but hurt just the same. I could completely relate to how she felt when the doctor told her the fetus was no longer viable, and medical terms only serve to make a horrible nightmare even more so. Her numbness, shock, and disbelief at how easily her miscarriage seemed to be dismissed was also felt by me, and each time I miscarried, I was so emotionally lost that I didn't speak up and ask the doctor questions.
This book started out by gently guiding me through the grieving process: taking me from the initial shock of miscarriage to eventually moving on with my life. Never once did the author or the doctor suggest I forget my miscarriage. Quite the opposite, and I am grateful for that. Who in their right mind could ever forget such a tragic event? I learned there's a difference between moving on with your life and forgetting. Just because you move on, as my husband and I are with adoption, does not mean I am forgetting the precious babies I lost. They will always remain in my heart. While reading this book, I felt like I had a Psychologist right by my side- making me feel okay with myself. I also felt I had a friend who truly cared about me and understood what I was going through when reading the author's words. She is like me, and I like her. All of us really do feel the same kind of pain, even though the circumstances may be different.
I Never Held You then explores different coping tools- and they're for life, not just miscarriage. I gained such benefit from this, and came to realize many things about myself and how I can set free so much of my stresses by practicing some of the techniques mentioned in this book. I used to practice Yoga, and am beginning again. We just got a dog, and I'll be taking him for walks to sooth my mind and take a break from my thoughts.
In particular, I loved Ms. DuBois chapter on Finding Your Creative Self. I lost her a long time ago, and came to understand that I still was the creative woman I'd given up on long ago. I used to paint all the time when I lived at home and in college. After getting married and joining the full time workforce, I found very little time to nurture that part of myself. This book brought about the realization that I need to nurture my creative self in order to feel good about who I am again and take some of my focus away from the pain of my miscarriages. It's about balance, and I never would have dug out my old easle and purchased some new paints had it not been for this wonderful, compassionate book.
A side note: I lost my father about three years ago. I Never Held You deals with the loss of miscarriage, but also applies to any loss. I found great comfort and help with the grief over my father, which I didn't expect to find.
Thank you to the author, Ellen DuBois, and to Dr. Backman. You've helped in more ways than I ever imagined.
My Dad is a very strong man. When we lost my mother almost seven years ago, it turned our lives inside out. I wish we had this book back then, even though the title says miscarriage, it really applies in many ways to any loss of someone you love. At first I was afraid to share this book with him because I didn't want to cause him pain by bringing up the memories of my Mom's death. But, this book deals with the loss of a loved one, too, not just my baby. So, I shared it with him and although he didn't say much at first, he told me later that many of the things said about grief, allowing yourself to feel, and the entire grieving process explained so warmly by Dr. Backman helped him to grow and heal more than he had in a long time.
I thank you for this wonderful book of support, and so do my father and husband. It's been a blessing in my life, and I believe it will carry me through some very dark days ahead. I think the most important thing is that although it's really hard to believe I'll ever see a brighter side to life, I know I will and have faith I will- all because of this book.
I have to thank my best friend for getting me to try to search for help. She actually found this book online, and got it for me. So, thank you Chris.