It's kind of hard to believe that during they heyday of our B movie glory we never explored No Contest. For quite some years the Diceman was a Sid staple, so one could only assume we'd go nuts to see him in an action B...from the 90's no less. The only possible options here are that we either didn't realize it existed or forgot it existed. Either option is unacceptable, but viewing nearly 20 years later is still better then nothing. With that said No Contest was a film that slices, and dices, and even snakes the kitchen sink. This was at a time when Dice's career started taking an odd turn and decided acting would be his new bread and butter. Unfortunately it takes a true B lover to appreciate Dice's cinematic efforts to be a legitimate actor. If having Dice not make this movie B enough, sprinkle in soft core legend Shannon Tweed, and the incomparable Rowdy Roddy Piper and you've got a movie that is sure to get the "guaranteed to be here or it's free" slot.
No Contest takes place entirely in a hotel, possible the Esplanade, as a beauty pageant for Miss Galaxy takes place. I suppose these ladies were competing for champion of the universe. Shannon Tweed plays the host named Sharon Bell who was a well known action star. As she names Miss Galaxy, Dice and his crew of flunkies takes the B grade hotel competition over in a tense hostage situation. His demands....$10 million dollars in diamonds. The films budget...$10 worth of egg Mcmuffins. The ladies are held hostage with explosive watches that will explode if they stray too far from the hostage hotel room. It's kind of like really extreme dog collars. Despite Dice's best efforts, and a few dead hostages, one of the contestants bodyguards winds up saving the day with help from Shannon Tweed. The end is a true Death Ring style blaze of glory as Rowdy Roddy Piper gets wasted during some slow motion machine gun action. It honestly had to be inspired by Don Swayze's slow motion gun action from Death Ring. He was even making the same disjointed faces. As for Dice, he winds up getting round house kicked off the top of an elevator plummeting to his death. He was ova there, then he was ova here, now he's on the floor baby.
No Contest was an extremely worthy entry to the 90's action B library. In all honesty the films plot was pretty in tact and even made sense. Not that it was good by an conventional means, but still was easy to follow. The only thing it needed was to catch Santa on film sound asleep behind the front desk. Maybe someone could have even drawn a picture of him and left it on the counter as a gift when he awoke. Shannon Tweed took one of her few roles where she remains clothed during the 90's. She was always a young Sid favorite. Outside of Dice, Rowdy Piper was by far the best thing this movie had to offer. His acting is so over the top and deranged that he makes the perfect villain lunatic. After his mind-blowing role in They Live followed by this performance, it's a wonder why Rowdy has never become a main stream B actor. This guy was meant to share the screen with Mcqueen and Swayze. So if you happen to be in your local convenient store, preferable 7-11, then take a look in their bin next to Bandidos. You just may find a nice copy of No Contest free with a big bite.
