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No Secrets No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse Paperback – Mar 8 2005


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Product Details

  • Paperback: 304 pages
  • Publisher: Three Rivers Press; Reprint edition (March 8 2005)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0767913450
  • ISBN-13: 978-0767913454
  • Product Dimensions: 2 x 14 x 21.1 cm
  • Shipping Weight: 249 g
  • Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (2 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: #2,134,740 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)


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IF YOU ARE READING THIS BOOK, YOU MIGHT HAVE FOUND AT SOME point in your life that you were on your own, searching for the words to name what was happening to you. Read the first page
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Format: Hardcover
Several years ago and still today, the term sexual abuse was not talked about in the African-American community. NO SECRETS, NO LIES: HOW BLACK FAMILIES CAN HEAL FROM SEXUAL ABUSE by Robin D. Stone, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, is a book that discloses the actual stories as told by the victims. In each chapter, Stone provides us with self-help instructions in overcoming such a devastating act of violence.

In most cases of sexual abuse, the victim is ignored or made to believe that what happened was just their imagination. Children are easy prey because the perpetrator can easily entice them with money, candy or toys, etc. The perpetrator can be anyone - a family member, the next-door neighbor, a school employee or the well-respected member of the church. Threats of bodily harm to the victim or members of his/her family, aids the perpetrator in committing this violation.

We are all under the assumption that only women are sexually abused, but there are a vast number of men who are abused by men and in some cases women. Most males do not report that they have been abused because of the label placed on them by society as growing up and becoming gay. They also deal with issues concerning their masculinity and have feelings of being inadequate and vulnerable.

Once a victim has revealed that they have been sexually abused, some are shunned by family members or made to feel that what happened was their fault. Victims with understanding family members, such in the case of Ms. Stone, sometimes years later, still suffer from being abused. Through Stone's self-help guides at the end of each chapter, and each survivor that shares their story, victims of sexual abuse will understand that what happened was not their fault.
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Format: Hardcover
As an AA female survivor of childhood sexual abuse, one of the struggles has always been expressing the damage from within the confines of being AA and female. The damage inflicted as a result of sexual abuse is far reaching; almost always across an individual's lifespan of human development. I remember and responded to Robin's initial Essence article and am extremely pleased with her fortitude and commitment to a topic that is so often disregarded in the African-American community. Robin, thank you for giving a voice to numerous survivors and for providing more than adequate tools for them and their families.
Carol
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews on Amazon.com (beta)

Amazon.com: 7 reviews
7 of 7 people found the following review helpful
Excellent Resource for Sexual Abuse Healing July 6 2005
By Lynn C. Tolson - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Hardcover
Review of No Secrets, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal From Sexual Abuse by Robin D. Stone, 2004, Broadway Books, NY. Hardcover ISBN 0- 7679-1344-2
The author of No Secrets, No Lies is a survivor of sexual assault. She has been an editor for Essence magazine, The New York Times, the Boston Globe, the Detroit Free Press, and Family Circle. She also teaches journalism at New York University. This impressive writing experience is evident in her clear, concise, compassionate, and culturally enlightening work: No Secrets, No Lies. Throughout the book, Stone offers "Fast Facts" in the margin, adding relevant material to the readers' knowledge. For example, Stone states, "Blacks are sexually victimized in childhood at the same rate as Whites. In one survey, they reported being more severely abused with greater force." Stone cites her sources in an extensive "notes" section. She also offers a valuable resource list and index.

The title of the first chapter is: "Was It Sexual Abuse?" Stone writes, "For many of us, we have buried sexual abuse so deep into our psyches that we would never connect it to today's physical illnesses and pain, our depression or addiction, our inability to hold a job, get out of debt, find satisfaction in a relationship, nurture our children, or simply say no to people or situations that do us harm." Indeed. No matter the gender, race, religion, socio-economic class, or ethnicity, victims of sexual abuse will experience the devastating ramifications. Victims suffer initially with the abuse, then again with each result that limits our human potential. Stone tells the reader: "in addition to the trauma of sexual violation, survivors must also deal with the trauma of being born and raised in a racist and sexist culture." And therein lies the roots of our troubled society.

Stone offers case examples in each chapter. We read about Kim, who says, "I'm always afraid that people will leave if they see the real me." The "real me" is the child who was molested by her stepfather until she was nineteen; even as a young woman, he slapped her for resisting. Kim's mother kicked Kim out of the house, leaving Kim to fend for herself with friends. Kim learns that a relative had sexually abused her mother. This addresses the frightening fact that perpetration is all too often generational.

The author incorporates the limitations placed upon Black survivors. "When Blacks seek help from White institutions [they] find little sympathy or understanding." "Blacks [have] a deep mistrust of a majority White medical profession. Blacks have been slow to embrace traditional therapy." "We often find ourselves sitting across from a counselor who hasn't a clue about the complexities of our culture, our history, and our challenges, and who can only see our problems solely from a White or middle-class perspective." However, Stone encourages counseling: "We have historically turned to our own support systems...sister circles...but for many of us the problems associated with being sexually abused run far too deep for untrained experts to help us tackle them in a meaningful way." Stone tells the reader: "...experts have developed multicultural approaches to therapy that incorporate the values, customs, and traditions of non-Whites." In chapter four, Stone suggests methods to finding "African-Centered Healing." Stone uses a statement from Rhonda Wells-Wilbon, a social work professor and sexual assault survivor, to define "African-Centered" as: "using Africa as a geographical and cultural starting point for the study of African people." Stone then shares Rhonda Wells-Wilbon's Aya Model: Ten Steps Toward Healing" for a culturally sensitive method.

At the end of each chapter, the author offers a "Help Yourself" section. In chapter 5, "Protecting and Saving Our Children," Stone tells the reader to "act on suspicion" and "get involved." She also offers "The Child's Bill of Rights." In the final chapter, "Reconciliation...and Moving On" Stone offers exercises to confront an abuser, if the victim finds it necessary for healing.
review by Lynn C. Tolson
9 of 10 people found the following review helpful
Just ask for help July 2 2004
By The RAWSISTAZ Reviewers - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Hardcover
Several years ago and still today, the term sexual abuse was not talked about in the African-American community. NO SECRETS, NO LIES: HOW BLACK FAMILIES CAN HEAL FROM SEXUAL ABUSE by Robin D. Stone, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, is a book that discloses the actual stories as told by the victims. In each chapter, Stone provides us with self-help instructions in overcoming such a devastating act of violence.

In most cases of sexual abuse, the victim is ignored or made to believe that what happened was just their imagination. Children are easy prey because the perpetrator can easily entice them with money, candy or toys, etc. The perpetrator can be anyone - a family member, the next-door neighbor, a school employee or the well-respected member of the church. Threats of bodily harm to the victim or members of his/her family, aids the perpetrator in committing this violation.

We are all under the assumption that only women are sexually abused, but there are a vast number of men who are abused by men and in some cases women. Most males do not report that they have been abused because of the label placed on them by society as growing up and becoming gay. They also deal with issues concerning their masculinity and have feelings of being inadequate and vulnerable.

Once a victim has revealed that they have been sexually abused, some are shunned by family members or made to feel that what happened was their fault. Victims with understanding family members, such in the case of Ms. Stone, sometimes years later, still suffer from being abused. Through Stone's self-help guides at the end of each chapter, and each survivor that shares their story, victims of sexual abuse will understand that what happened was not their fault.

This book was an eye opener for me because it brings to the forefront the effects that being sexually abused can have on the victims. Even after the abuse has stopped, victims continue to suffer. NO SECRETS NO LIES: HOW BLACK FAMILIES CAN HEAL FROM SEXUAL ABUSE was very informative and lists many resources for use by victims of sexual abuse.(...)
6 of 6 people found the following review helpful
Highly Insightful Jan. 7 2005
By Angelique C. Henderson - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Hardcover
Robin D. Stone, a former executive with Essence Magazine, Boston Globe and New York Times has covered every possible aspect and cause of sexual abuse in her newly released book, "No Secrets, No Lies - How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse." She accurately discusses the reasons and terrifying consequences that are plaguing numerous African-American families that have suffered from sexual assault. The powerful resource guide seeks to assist families to thoroughly understand, prevent and overcome the devastating impact of sexual abuse on adult survivors.

Ms. Stone, an abuse survivor herself, realistically has written a one of a kind book that addresses the physical, emotional and psychological scarring and horrific effects of sexual abuse within the dysfunctional family. Through a collection of powerful and deep personal interviews with abuse victims, abusers and additional family members, "No secrets, No Lies" speaks out to survivors, parents, caregivers, family members and friends designating and furnishing detailed and practical steps for imperative healing.

The book is divided into three distinct parts. It covers immensely important material on the background and "WHYS" of child sexual abuse, interviews with more than thirty survivors and then easy to follow guidelines by professional experts who work with and treat the survivor and the abuser. Included also are compelling advice, poignant anecdotes, as well as contact information for legal help, therapists and advocacy groups throughout the USA. It provides invaluable insight necessary for overcoming and understanding the horrific, overwhelming experiences and effects for recovery and resolution.

This book is an eye opener that sexual abuse is wide spread, vastly occurring and must be recognized. The sexual abuser must be reported to the proper authorities, regardless of who it is because this is a criminal offense. The offense should be dealt with, the abuser charged and the acts eradicated for the sake of the innocent victim, the child. No longer should this evil atrocity be kept silent.

Readincolor Reviewer

Emily Means Willis
5 of 5 people found the following review helpful
SEXUAL ABUSE AND RACISM ARE INTERCONNECTED Oct. 10 2005
By Ms. J. E. Drew - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Hardcover
This book clearly shows how sexually abused non-white women are still forced into a double bind. If they publically disown non-white men who have sexually abused them, the women in turn are accused of being traitors to their ethnic group. Sexual abuse is endemic in all cultures and ethnicities. This book shows how non-white women and girls can heal, but only their cultures and communities are no longer prepared to excuse male sexual violence. This book shows women and girls can heal, but seual abuse and racism go hand-in-hand, they are not separate issues as the author clearly shows. An invaluable book which is a must read as it shows the clear connection between sexual abuse and racism.
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
So inciteful and honest June 16 2005
By Sleepless in Abu Dhabi - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Hardcover
As an individual that was sexually abused, I found this book to speak volumes of my experience. This book allowed me to begin my journey of healing - of becoming whole. It inspired me to begin counseling for the abuse I suffered which will allow me to become a participant in society - no longer isolated and empty.

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