From Publishers Weekly
Ordained minister Newman (With Heart and Hand) chose a riveting topic for her second book: her premise is that African-American women often have confused ideas about sex, in large part because the church gives them confusing messages. Unfortunately, the book does not live up to its initial promise. Newman's message is less about ethics (she is curiously opaque, for example, about the propriety of sex outside of marriage) than self-image. Above all, she wants her readers to feel good about themselves, urging women to take up "Project Me," which involves spending time alone and tending to their own needs. This is hardly new advice. One wonders how Newman's suggestions that women take a karate class, learn to embroider or buy themselves flowers will help her audience think more clearly about sex. Part of the book's superficiality stems from Newman's attempt to cover too many subjects, including body image, domestic violence, orgasm in marriage, dancing in church, dating and HIV prevention. Though these are all worthy topics, Newman sacrifices depth for breadth. One of the book's redeeming features is her sensitive biblical exegesis; she portrays Jesus as a "revolutionary feminist" who befriended women, and concludes from her study of the Onan story in Genesis that masturbation (which she calls "self-pleasuring") is not sinful. These interpretations, though certainly not original to Newman, are ably presented. Readers will also appreciate the biblically inspired reflection questions that close each chapter. Scriptural summaries and fill-in-the-blank worksheets, however, are not enough to salvage this disjointed guide.
Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information, Inc.
Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information, Inc.
From Library Journal
In this blunt, compassionate, and entertaining book for black women, Newman, an acclaimed minister based in Washington, DC, offers strong and sensible advice on managing one's body and relationships in light of one's spiritual life, happiness, and welfare. Admirably frank, Newman deals with sexual abuse, divorce, HIV, masturbation, and self-worth. Her honesty means a good deal more than the evasions of many other writers who address women's spirituality, and her work deserves a broad readership. Highly recommended.
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc.
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc.
Review
“It is about time! Finally the discussion of human sexuality in the church is out of the proverbial closet! Susan Newman brings a much-needed discussion of sex and single women of African descent to the table. She is frank and Biblical. She is honest and spiritual. She has a firm grasp of what women are privately thinking and is bold enough to bring the discussion to a public forum. It is a great read for African American women, single and married, and perfect for women’s groups.”
–BISHOP VASHTI MURPHY MCKENZIE
Presiding Prelate, 18th Episcopal District of the
African Methodist Episcopal Church
Botswana, Mozambique, Lesotho, and Swaziland
“A woman cannot be free if her body and her spirit are at war. With this powerful book, Sister Reverend Dr. Susan Newman unlocks the chains of confusion and hands sisters the keys to their own personal liberation and spiritual healing.”
–DR. JOHNNETTA B. COLE
President Emerita, Spelman College
–BISHOP VASHTI MURPHY MCKENZIE
Presiding Prelate, 18th Episcopal District of the
African Methodist Episcopal Church
Botswana, Mozambique, Lesotho, and Swaziland
“A woman cannot be free if her body and her spirit are at war. With this powerful book, Sister Reverend Dr. Susan Newman unlocks the chains of confusion and hands sisters the keys to their own personal liberation and spiritual healing.”
–DR. JOHNNETTA B. COLE
President Emerita, Spelman College
Book Description
Far too many African American women struggle with a deep division between the two fundamental pillars of their identity–spirituality and sexuality. The church tells them that to live “holy and sanctified” lives they must give up sexual activity outside the institution of marriage, and yet their bodies and souls cry out for a way to express and fulfill their natural passions. In this groundbreaking book, the Reverend Dr. Susan Newman, a nationally recognized minister and speaker, finally shows all women of faith how to find a healthy balance between their spiritual selves and their sexual needs.
Dr. Newman opens with a simple but startling premise: You can love God and love sex at the same time. Though it may sound irreverent, this premise is actually the basis for an essential journey to self-knowledge and reconciliation. As Dr. Newman shows, this journey has been denied to women for centuries because of church traditions and doctrines going back to the Old Testament and to the teachings of Saint Paul. For African American women, the spiritual-sexual divide was compounded by slavery.
But women of faith do not have to live divided lives. Writing with passion, candor, and welcome humor, Dr. Newman opens new paths to healing and reconciliation. Here are frank, direct discussions about sex both inside and outside marriage; about being honest about your spiritual and erotic needs; about making personal choices; and about acknowledging the holiness of your body.
The goal, as Dr. Newman explains, is not to suppress or channel your sexuality, but to embrace sex as a wonderful gift from God. As a woman of faith–and as a woman–you deserve a healthy, satisfying life, a life open to passion and truly free of guilt and shame. The first book of its kind, Oh God! is a landmark achievement that will be welcomed by black women who want to live in wholeness of spirit and body.
Dr. Newman opens with a simple but startling premise: You can love God and love sex at the same time. Though it may sound irreverent, this premise is actually the basis for an essential journey to self-knowledge and reconciliation. As Dr. Newman shows, this journey has been denied to women for centuries because of church traditions and doctrines going back to the Old Testament and to the teachings of Saint Paul. For African American women, the spiritual-sexual divide was compounded by slavery.
But women of faith do not have to live divided lives. Writing with passion, candor, and welcome humor, Dr. Newman opens new paths to healing and reconciliation. Here are frank, direct discussions about sex both inside and outside marriage; about being honest about your spiritual and erotic needs; about making personal choices; and about acknowledging the holiness of your body.
The goal, as Dr. Newman explains, is not to suppress or channel your sexuality, but to embrace sex as a wonderful gift from God. As a woman of faith–and as a woman–you deserve a healthy, satisfying life, a life open to passion and truly free of guilt and shame. The first book of its kind, Oh God! is a landmark achievement that will be welcomed by black women who want to live in wholeness of spirit and body.
From the Back Cover
“It is about time! Finally the discussion of human sexuality in the church is out of the proverbial closet! Susan Newman brings a much-needed discussion of sex and single women of African descent to the table. She is frank and Biblical. She is honest and spiritual. She has a firm grasp of what women are privately thinking and is bold enough to bring the discussion to a public forum. It is a great read for African American women, single and married, and perfect for women’s groups.”
–BISHOP VASHTI MURPHY MCKENZIE
Presiding Prelate, 18th Episcopal District of the
African Methodist Episcopal Church
Botswana, Mozambique, Lesotho, and Swaziland
“A woman cannot be free if her body and her spirit are at war. With this powerful book, Sister Reverend Dr. Susan Newman unlocks the chains of confusion and hands sisters the keys to their own personal liberation and spiritual healing.”
–DR. JOHNNETTA B. COLE
President Emerita, Spelman College
–BISHOP VASHTI MURPHY MCKENZIE
Presiding Prelate, 18th Episcopal District of the
African Methodist Episcopal Church
Botswana, Mozambique, Lesotho, and Swaziland
“A woman cannot be free if her body and her spirit are at war. With this powerful book, Sister Reverend Dr. Susan Newman unlocks the chains of confusion and hands sisters the keys to their own personal liberation and spiritual healing.”
–DR. JOHNNETTA B. COLE
President Emerita, Spelman College
About the Author
The Reverend Dr. Susan Newman, an ordained minister for the past twenty-five years and a nationally recognized preacher/speaker, is the author of With Heart and Hand: The Black Church Working to Save Black Children. She makes her home in Washington, D.C.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
The Sexual Truth Shall Set You Free
Can we talk? It is time for black women of faith to have an honest discussion about who we are sexually and spiritually. This generation of women must begin to confess that we love God, and we love sex, too! George Bernard Shaw said, “All great truths begin as blasphemies.” Well, many in the church would call this statement blasphemous. But it is true. God created us with wonderful, healthy, natural drives—sleep, hunger, thirst, and sex—“and God saw that it was good.”
On this journey of reconciling our sexual selves and our spiritual selves, we must be honest about who we are and what we desire, and we must learn how to live fuller, richer lives as spiritual women in the twenty-first century. Women who love God and are able to express themselves fully as sexual beings should be able to do so without shame or guilt.
Pam is a former party girl who accepted Jesus Christ as her Savior two years ago. She is a very attractive black woman who owns a home and earns a six-figure salary. Though active in her church and community, Pam is struggling with reconciling her sexual desires with the teachings of her faith. She wants answers to this dilemma. Is masturbation an acceptable sexual activity? Am I damned if I make love to my boyfriend because we are not married?
Donna is another woman of faith struggling with her sexual desires and the teachings of her church. Donna is forty-eight years old, widowed, and suddenly single again. After twenty-five years of marriage, the single life is foreign to her. She is confronted with a culture that includes HIV/AIDS, cybersex, Internet dating, and personal ads in the paper. She’s too mature to go to clubs, but she doesn’t want another husband. In the past, she had a wonderful marriage with the love of her life; now, she wants a companion and lover.
Childhood 101
Where do women get the idea that sex is wrong, that it should cause feelings of guilt and shame? When did we first learn about sex and how did we feel about it? A good place to start exploring answers to these questions is our childhood. I remember sitting in my fifth-grade class at John Quincy Adams Elementary School, in Washington, D.C., when the school nurse came in with an 8mm reel movie—it was time for our hygiene session. But today was different. She and the teacher had very somber, mournful expressions on their faces the entire time they set up the projector and screen. Watching them thread the film through the grooves on the projector reminded me of some ancient death ritual I’d seen on television. As the lights lowered and the movie began, we heard a serious male voice describing to us what our eyes could not believe. On the screen we saw diagrams of a man’s penis and a woman’s uterus and fallopian tubes. Then all of a sudden—without any of those “slasher movie” warnings—we were confronted with the image of the man’s penis inside of the woman’s vagina and thousands of sperm being catapulted into her body. Some of the kids in the room let out nervous laughter. Others sat there with our mouths open and our eyes bugging out of our heads. We were all shocked. Nothing could have prepared us for this scene. We sat there in the dark, watching millions of sperm swim into the vaginal canal and up the fallopian tubes, where one gold-medal swimmer united with an egg and rested in “the fertile lining of the woman’s uterus.” We sat in the dark, watching a bright movie screen as the words the end stared back at us, a group of eleven-year-olds. The nurse gave the girls little pink booklets about menstruation and told us to refrain from sex so we would not get pregnant and have babies. The boys did not get anything, as if it were solely girls’ responsibility to control the population of babies in the world. Go figure!
I went home that night knowing that what I had just witnessed in class was not true. I knew that my mother would tell me the truth about how girls got pregnant. Momma said, “When a boy and a girl are together, and they love each other, they have a baby.” Well, Lawd have mercy, I was pregnant! I sat beside David Neverdon in class (we sat in alphabetical order), and I loved him. My world had come to an end. I talked with the school nurse about the movie and what my momma had told me. She explained everything in greater detail to me. I then understood.
The next Sunday, as I sat in Sunday school, I looked at the superintendent and realized that he had three boys. My God! Mr. Green did that to Mrs. Green three times? Yuck! Nice Mr. Payne had eight kids! The pastor had five! I could not believe that these holy, sanctified members of the church performed that act I’d seen on the movie screen. However, I took pride in knowing that my parents did it only twice.
What were you told about sex as a child? Take a minute to think about it. Most sex education consisted of warnings like “Keep your legs together and your dress down,” or “Don’t bring no babies in this house!” I remember when my sister and I started going to house parties. Momma gave us several warnings. The warning I remember to this day is, “When you’re dancing slow with a boy, and he starts breathing hard—stop dancing!”
We were raised to fear sex and sexual expressions. When a girl began her period, it was as if there were a death in the family. She couldn’t run and play with the boys anymore. An older woman in the family, usually the mother, brought out this secret, magic bag of mystery. The girl was instructed in “the ways of the Period.” The bag contained the plastic-crotched panties, the elastic sanitary belt with loops (forerunner to today’s thong), and finally the star of the show—the Kotex! It was a sanitary napkin, but it was more than an ordinary napkin. We called it “the Kotex!”
Every twenty-eight days we had to make a pilgrimage to the neighborhood drugstore to purchase the Kotex. God forbid if a male cashier should be behind the counter. We would read every last comic book and magazine in the store until he either went to lunch, went home, or just died. We were not going to purchase the Kotex from anyone but a woman. It was embarrassing. We felt shame just buying sanitary napkins. Isn’t it funny that our husbands, brothers, fathers, and boyfriends are embarrassed to buy the Kotex, too? Well, that was sexual orientation 101—childhood.
As we matured from childhood to adolescence, our sexual orientation was filled with boys’ pranks as they snapped our bra straps, looked under our dresses with mirrored shoes, and pushed us into the coat room with “that nasty boy.”
Sexual Abuse
While we are being honest about sexual truths, we cannot overlook the traumas that millions of women experience associated with sex. Unfortunately, for many women there are dark, scary, horrific experiences that are eternally bound to the sex act—incest, rape, domestic violence, sexual abuse. Many women are not comfortable with any sexual situation or relationship because of sexual abuse early in life. Some have found the courage to speak up about being sexually molested by teachers, relatives, baby-sitters, church leaders, or their own father. These were men whom they trusted as children, and their trust in any man was destroyed by the selfish, sick act of one man. Their minds are filled with the question: Was it something that I did to make him do this to me? Women who were victims in these situations blame themselves, as if it were their responsibility that they were abused. How can women who have been sexually traumatized as children embrace their own bodies and their natural sexual urges as good things? They were made to feel shame and guilt as children, and many still carry shame and guilt’s offspring—unworthiness, fear, self-loathing, and depression.
Laura is a successful corporate executive. She’s attractive, in her mid-forties, and the life of any party. She has been promoted within her company because of her business acumen. She is responsible for a staff of over 150 people and an annual budget of $2.5 million. But when Laura goes on a date and is faced with intimate situations, she becomes a frightened little girl. She may like the man she’s out with, but she’s not ready for any physical intimacy. However, she cannot say no to his sexual advances. She’s a shark in the boardroom, but a guppy when alone with a man. It’s as if she’s in shock. It is like an out-of-body experience. She hears what he’s saying, but she cannot speak; she knows what he’s doing, but she doesn’t possess the power to remove his hands. “If I say no, he won’t like me anymore,” and “It’s my fault, I should not have worn this sexy dress,” she reasons, giving in as though she has no choice.
The Religious RIGHT?
What causes sexual guilt and shame for Christian women? One source is the teachings of the apostle Paul. The teachings of the Christian church are based upon his teachings. Besides the four Gospels that include the life and teachings of Jesus, the majority of the New Testament consists of letters from Paul to various churches that he founded in ancient Rome, Ephesus, Philippi, Galatia, and Thessalonica. These places were under Roman rule and were greatly influenced by the Greek culture that was sweeping the world.
When interpreting the biblical text, we must look at the following: Who was writing the letter? To whom was it being written? What was the situation or problem that was being addressed? What was the culture of the day? Paul’s advice to the church in I Corinthians 6:15–18 is:
“Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of a harlot? God forbid. What? Know ye not that he which is joined to ...
Can we talk? It is time for black women of faith to have an honest discussion about who we are sexually and spiritually. This generation of women must begin to confess that we love God, and we love sex, too! George Bernard Shaw said, “All great truths begin as blasphemies.” Well, many in the church would call this statement blasphemous. But it is true. God created us with wonderful, healthy, natural drives—sleep, hunger, thirst, and sex—“and God saw that it was good.”
On this journey of reconciling our sexual selves and our spiritual selves, we must be honest about who we are and what we desire, and we must learn how to live fuller, richer lives as spiritual women in the twenty-first century. Women who love God and are able to express themselves fully as sexual beings should be able to do so without shame or guilt.
Pam is a former party girl who accepted Jesus Christ as her Savior two years ago. She is a very attractive black woman who owns a home and earns a six-figure salary. Though active in her church and community, Pam is struggling with reconciling her sexual desires with the teachings of her faith. She wants answers to this dilemma. Is masturbation an acceptable sexual activity? Am I damned if I make love to my boyfriend because we are not married?
Donna is another woman of faith struggling with her sexual desires and the teachings of her church. Donna is forty-eight years old, widowed, and suddenly single again. After twenty-five years of marriage, the single life is foreign to her. She is confronted with a culture that includes HIV/AIDS, cybersex, Internet dating, and personal ads in the paper. She’s too mature to go to clubs, but she doesn’t want another husband. In the past, she had a wonderful marriage with the love of her life; now, she wants a companion and lover.
Childhood 101
Where do women get the idea that sex is wrong, that it should cause feelings of guilt and shame? When did we first learn about sex and how did we feel about it? A good place to start exploring answers to these questions is our childhood. I remember sitting in my fifth-grade class at John Quincy Adams Elementary School, in Washington, D.C., when the school nurse came in with an 8mm reel movie—it was time for our hygiene session. But today was different. She and the teacher had very somber, mournful expressions on their faces the entire time they set up the projector and screen. Watching them thread the film through the grooves on the projector reminded me of some ancient death ritual I’d seen on television. As the lights lowered and the movie began, we heard a serious male voice describing to us what our eyes could not believe. On the screen we saw diagrams of a man’s penis and a woman’s uterus and fallopian tubes. Then all of a sudden—without any of those “slasher movie” warnings—we were confronted with the image of the man’s penis inside of the woman’s vagina and thousands of sperm being catapulted into her body. Some of the kids in the room let out nervous laughter. Others sat there with our mouths open and our eyes bugging out of our heads. We were all shocked. Nothing could have prepared us for this scene. We sat there in the dark, watching millions of sperm swim into the vaginal canal and up the fallopian tubes, where one gold-medal swimmer united with an egg and rested in “the fertile lining of the woman’s uterus.” We sat in the dark, watching a bright movie screen as the words the end stared back at us, a group of eleven-year-olds. The nurse gave the girls little pink booklets about menstruation and told us to refrain from sex so we would not get pregnant and have babies. The boys did not get anything, as if it were solely girls’ responsibility to control the population of babies in the world. Go figure!
I went home that night knowing that what I had just witnessed in class was not true. I knew that my mother would tell me the truth about how girls got pregnant. Momma said, “When a boy and a girl are together, and they love each other, they have a baby.” Well, Lawd have mercy, I was pregnant! I sat beside David Neverdon in class (we sat in alphabetical order), and I loved him. My world had come to an end. I talked with the school nurse about the movie and what my momma had told me. She explained everything in greater detail to me. I then understood.
The next Sunday, as I sat in Sunday school, I looked at the superintendent and realized that he had three boys. My God! Mr. Green did that to Mrs. Green three times? Yuck! Nice Mr. Payne had eight kids! The pastor had five! I could not believe that these holy, sanctified members of the church performed that act I’d seen on the movie screen. However, I took pride in knowing that my parents did it only twice.
What were you told about sex as a child? Take a minute to think about it. Most sex education consisted of warnings like “Keep your legs together and your dress down,” or “Don’t bring no babies in this house!” I remember when my sister and I started going to house parties. Momma gave us several warnings. The warning I remember to this day is, “When you’re dancing slow with a boy, and he starts breathing hard—stop dancing!”
We were raised to fear sex and sexual expressions. When a girl began her period, it was as if there were a death in the family. She couldn’t run and play with the boys anymore. An older woman in the family, usually the mother, brought out this secret, magic bag of mystery. The girl was instructed in “the ways of the Period.” The bag contained the plastic-crotched panties, the elastic sanitary belt with loops (forerunner to today’s thong), and finally the star of the show—the Kotex! It was a sanitary napkin, but it was more than an ordinary napkin. We called it “the Kotex!”
Every twenty-eight days we had to make a pilgrimage to the neighborhood drugstore to purchase the Kotex. God forbid if a male cashier should be behind the counter. We would read every last comic book and magazine in the store until he either went to lunch, went home, or just died. We were not going to purchase the Kotex from anyone but a woman. It was embarrassing. We felt shame just buying sanitary napkins. Isn’t it funny that our husbands, brothers, fathers, and boyfriends are embarrassed to buy the Kotex, too? Well, that was sexual orientation 101—childhood.
As we matured from childhood to adolescence, our sexual orientation was filled with boys’ pranks as they snapped our bra straps, looked under our dresses with mirrored shoes, and pushed us into the coat room with “that nasty boy.”
Sexual Abuse
While we are being honest about sexual truths, we cannot overlook the traumas that millions of women experience associated with sex. Unfortunately, for many women there are dark, scary, horrific experiences that are eternally bound to the sex act—incest, rape, domestic violence, sexual abuse. Many women are not comfortable with any sexual situation or relationship because of sexual abuse early in life. Some have found the courage to speak up about being sexually molested by teachers, relatives, baby-sitters, church leaders, or their own father. These were men whom they trusted as children, and their trust in any man was destroyed by the selfish, sick act of one man. Their minds are filled with the question: Was it something that I did to make him do this to me? Women who were victims in these situations blame themselves, as if it were their responsibility that they were abused. How can women who have been sexually traumatized as children embrace their own bodies and their natural sexual urges as good things? They were made to feel shame and guilt as children, and many still carry shame and guilt’s offspring—unworthiness, fear, self-loathing, and depression.
Laura is a successful corporate executive. She’s attractive, in her mid-forties, and the life of any party. She has been promoted within her company because of her business acumen. She is responsible for a staff of over 150 people and an annual budget of $2.5 million. But when Laura goes on a date and is faced with intimate situations, she becomes a frightened little girl. She may like the man she’s out with, but she’s not ready for any physical intimacy. However, she cannot say no to his sexual advances. She’s a shark in the boardroom, but a guppy when alone with a man. It’s as if she’s in shock. It is like an out-of-body experience. She hears what he’s saying, but she cannot speak; she knows what he’s doing, but she doesn’t possess the power to remove his hands. “If I say no, he won’t like me anymore,” and “It’s my fault, I should not have worn this sexy dress,” she reasons, giving in as though she has no choice.
The Religious RIGHT?
What causes sexual guilt and shame for Christian women? One source is the teachings of the apostle Paul. The teachings of the Christian church are based upon his teachings. Besides the four Gospels that include the life and teachings of Jesus, the majority of the New Testament consists of letters from Paul to various churches that he founded in ancient Rome, Ephesus, Philippi, Galatia, and Thessalonica. These places were under Roman rule and were greatly influenced by the Greek culture that was sweeping the world.
When interpreting the biblical text, we must look at the following: Who was writing the letter? To whom was it being written? What was the situation or problem that was being addressed? What was the culture of the day? Paul’s advice to the church in I Corinthians 6:15–18 is:
“Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of a harlot? God forbid. What? Know ye not that he which is joined to ...
