Out of the Shadows [Paperback]

After a really harrowing relationship with a woman addict whose secretiveness and intense denial/shame of the problem translated to my being left in the dark as to it's nature I scoured the web for any information I could find. I was really confused how this woman's behavior really depressed her to the point of endless bouts of crying and yet it continued with more calculating deceit, mind games, rampant flirting with colleagues and promiscuity. Everyone involved becomes a powerless spectator in the painful ongoings. This was the most painful experience that I have gone through to date and it has really made me wary of my perception of how sex is used to sell just about everything in the US. Pity.

For guys who have been likewise involved understanding the "logic" ( if it can be called that) of the female sex/romance addict is better outlined in a book by Charlotte Davis Kasl called: "Women, Sex and Addiction - a search for love and power" a highly qualified therapist in the field. I was amazed at how every page seemed to be a prediction ( in hindsight ) of my ex's irrational and destructive behavior, motives, feelings etc., such that many of the statements made by sexually addicted women she interviewed for the book were made by my ex g.friend, verbatim. I was aware from her intense denial of there being an [obvious] problem ( by her asserting that it was "in my head" or that my finding that there was a problem to discuss was itself, THE problem) that she did not read these books ( and indignantly would not when I offered.)

The bottom line for the addict is that because of the intense feelings of shame that perpetuate the problem and the need to cover up the problem from self and others, through paradoxically/ritualistically engaging in more of the same painful thing, such books are only helpful if the 'sufferer' is absolutely ready to face and rid oneself of it. However for those who are coaddicts and want to understand what they are going through they are helpful especially to recognize that there is nothing wrong with you and you ( nor your liaison) are to blame. If you love the addicted one then through these books one readily sees that the problem is not the person but the behavior which can be changed with time and effort. Painful stuff. Good luck to all..

When I first suspected sex addiction was my fiance's problem, I didn't know where to turn to for information, resources, help, etc. I accidentally happened upon a website of Dr. Patrick Carnes's where a list of his books on sex addiction was given. Before I read the book, I had so many questions, fears, indescribable pain and agony that this wasn't, couldn't be happening to us. And even though some of my questions still go unanswered, I became confronted with an addiction that is not only destructive to the addict but to the addict's loved ones as well. A disease that is so secretive and demoralizing that unless the addict seeks help, can be life threatening.

Six months after my discovery of finding hidden pornography on the computer, pornographic videotapes and dating websites offering sexual services that my fiance had paid memberships to, I am now single and have recently sold the house we had bought together hoping to build a future and a family there. I lost my fiance to this addiction and everyday I try to understand how he chose this lifestyle over a normal life with me. But that's what "Out of the Shadow's" has shown me, that addicts don't have the choice nor can they have a normal life or a normal, healthy relationship. I recommend this book to anyone who is in a relationship where sexual addiction may be the underlying problem because it helped me to not only understand this addiction better but it helped me to realize I am not alone and there is help.