Politically Correct Bedtime Stories [Hardcover]

“Once upon a time in the olden days, heavy-set middle-aged men would congregate in their elitist clubs, sit in overstuffed leather chairs, smoke air-choking cigars, and pitch story ideas and plots to each other.” The resulting stories have been passed down to us as the mind-polluting bedtime tales used to warp the minds of our generation.

No need to continue this travesty. James Finn Garner has edited these stories with the ruthless, post-modern sensibility of a San Francisco school board. His diligence has midwifed the thirteen stories in this book.

The stories introduce the following inspiring role models:

The young person Red Riding Hood who set off to empower her grandmother with a basket of healthful snacks, even though said grandmother was perfectly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.

The Emperor, who had been turned into a tyrant by a lifetime of belief in the absolute legitimacy of the monarchy and in the inherent superiority of males had turned him into a vain and wisdom-challenged tyrant, was sufficiently enlightened to endorse a clothing-optional lifestyle.

The three little pigs, who set up a model socialist democracy with free education, universal health care, and affordable housing for everyone. Copyright notice: Despite any imagined similarities, these pigs are completely different from any pigs George Orwell may have disrespectfully written about.

The three codependent goats gruff. ‘Nuff said.

Three bears, who lived together in a nuclear family, even though the nuclear family has traditionally served to enslave womyn, instill a self-righteous moralism in its members, and imprint rigid notions of heterosexualist roles onto the next generation.

After reading these stories I felt wearily enlightened and cleansed of my biased attachment to linear left-brained thinking. You will feel the same. Not that it is appropriate for me to claim to know what you will be feeling. Remember one thing. These stories are Not Funny. Not one bit.

This little book is the retelling of classic bedtime stories with modern day political correctness. It retells stories including Little Red Riding Hood, The Three Little Pigs, and Cinderella, to name a few.

Garner uses political correctness in the extreme! For example, here is an excerpt from Little Red Riding Hood:

The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way."

This book had me laughing out loud, sometimes with tears in my eyes. The only negative thing is that the stories do get a bit repetitive, like the original stories themselves. Therefore, it is best to savour them one at a time with space in between. I really had a lot of fun reading these silly PC stories.

This book is satire at its best. Garner takes thirteen classic tales for children and rewrites them using the most politically correct language possible. Jack of Jack and the Beanstalk sells his cow for beans, falling for the sales pitch: " By selling the cow, you perpetuate the cultural mythos of beef, ignoring the negative impact on our ecology and the health and social problems that arise from meat consumption." This trade finally convinces his mother that he is differently abled rather than a conceptual thinker and she goes off to join a support group.
Dialog like this had me laughing throughout the book. The pied piper now clears a trailer park by playing country music so that new development can take place. Cinderella is now admonished by her fairy godperson to avoid wearing garments that bind her into the male concept of beauty and the three billy goats are now codependent.
If you are like me and find politically correct language annoying, then read this and for a short time laugh about how it sounds when it is used to build stories.