Positive Discipline [Paperback]

 

 

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The first time I read through Positive Discipline, I thought "Wow, this author is really on to something." I felt it opened my eyes to many aspects of parenting that I hadn't considered before. And indeed, the book does contain some very useful information, especially when it comes to using natural and logical consequences to allow your children to learn lessons from their mistakes. I also admired her idea that you should "Never do for a child what the child can do for themselves," and I agree that even very young children can participate in the household chores and take responsibility for things like dressing themselves, and should be encouraged to do so.

And certainly I agree with her that it's important to treat your kids with dignity and respect.

However, during a second reading of the book I began to feel annoyed by some of the neat categories Nelson uses to describe things. For instance, she labels the four reasons children misbehave: Because they want attention, because they want power, because they want revenge or because they feel discouraged. Certainly children may misbehave for these reasons, but to state over and over again that these are the ONLY reasons children misbehave borders on the ridiculous. And the more I think about it, the more I feel that it is insulting to children to suggest that they will always fit into these neat categories. Children are complex human beings, just like adults, and they too have a myriad of complex reasons that they do the things they do.

In the same vein, she insinuates that the ONLY reason siblings squabble is to get attention from Mom and Dad. Again, maybe sometimes, but it's ridiculous to assume that this is the only reason children fight and therefore if you ignore them they will soon stop. I personally remember fighting a lot with my younger sister as a child, and it was usually when our parents weren't home at all. We were both stubborn and both wanted our own way, is all.

Nelson has many other lists in the book that you are supposed to use in your parenting toolbox, and frankly I think they're a waste of time. Real children are not the simple machines with simple rules she seems to think they are. Furthermore, I don't believe for a minute her assertion that "A misbehaving child is a discouraged child," that children only display inappropriate behaviour because they are misguided about the best way to find belonging and significance. Again, way oversimplified. Kids do things for many reasons, sometimes simply because they are being greedy, selfish or lazy, just like adults can be at times as well.

Lastly, I feel that in Positive Discipline Nelson goes a little too far in trying to make parents feel guilty for being "controlling," and suggests many times that parents punish children not because they really think it will do good, but because they enjoy the feeling of getting revenge. In this she is even more insulting to parents than she is to children. Many parents use punishment (I am not talking about physical punishment, but things like removal of privileges) because they know that when used properly and respectfully, it can be a very effective tool in averting undesirable behaviour, and without the damaging side effects that Nelson explains (in another numbered list, of course).

I can only imagine the chaos that would reign in my house if I completely embraced Nelson's philosophy of "Poor children, they only want to be loved and feel that they belong, I will give them a hug next time they misbehave instead of punishing them, for punishment is cruel."

Well, as you can see I wasn't overly impressed with this book. I still think that many people will find some helpful and even inspiring ideas in here, but I can't wholeheartedly recommend this one because too much of the book just didn't ring true for me.

My wife and I took a parenting class in which the teachings of this book were espoused. We purchased the book and used it for the last year as a resource for disciplining our son, a cantankerous three year-old. All the principles and thoughts behind Nelson's approach sound terrific and I'm a personal believer in the power of positive thinking. It's just too bad that the techniques simply don't work.

For example, the "teaching" and reasoning this book suggests are interpreted by our son as some kind of joke or a game. After explaining that hitting others is disrespectful, he responds with, "yeah, whatever. Let me hit him again." Bottom line: for the last year of using these techniques, his behavior has not changed. I can say this, though: he has high self-esteem--in being able to thwart his parents and get away with whatever he wants.

A factor this book doesn't quite address is the element of time. Both my wife and I work and sometimes we simply don't have time to negotiate and explain things to our son. We need him to get up, brush his teeth, get changed, and eat his breakfast, NOW, not after we spend an hour explaining the virtues of good oral hygene.

The other part of the book I found troubling is the implication that acting negatively to your child is bad parenting. I believe that for certain circumstances fear, control, and punishment are appropriate and effective ways to teach your child what's right or wrong. That is, fear, per se, is not necessarily a bad thing as long as it's tempered with love and support.

I truly wished this book worked. Perhaps it's written for older children or perhaps my son simply doesn't respond to this type of approach. Just beware that if you have a young, "tough" child, this book may not only be useless, but may also make you feel guilty in the process.

I have read this book at least five times. I teach Parenting the Positive Discipline Way classes to parents. When I was first implementing change, I liked to work on a few concepts and then go back and reread the book again to gain more information and start working on a new idea.
I read another review here on the site and I think I should clarify something. The book does NOT say to "never say 'no'" to a child.

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5.0 out of 5 stars A must read!
This is one of the best, most useful parenting books I have ever read. I am a child and youth care worker and I use these concepts with the kids I work with. Read more

Published on Mar 11 2001 by Ms Diva

4.0 out of 5 stars Not far enough
A good read and certainly better than no information at all, however, the main point I have trouble with is not ever telling a child "no". Read more

Published on Jan 4 2001 by Michelle McCullough

4.0 out of 5 stars Respect for the little ones
This book helped me see discipline in a whole new way. It's true, children don't have to suffer in order to learn they have done something wrong. Read more

Published on May 3 2000 by Mandy D.

5.0 out of 5 stars Need to increase the average stars for this one.
Trying to be a working parent in todays high speed society makes raising thoughtful, responsible and caring children difficult. Read more

Published on Mar 28 2000

1.0 out of 5 stars Not reality
Dr. Nelson, though I'm sure is very intelligent does not write a sound book for children of today, especially those children in disadvanteged households. Read more

Published on Mar 21 2000

4.0 out of 5 stars Positive Discipline....Montessori Education
I found this book to be excellent in making you feel okay to give love instead of harsh punishment. Her concepts for teaching parents/teachers how to help children develop... Read more

Published on Mar 19 2000 by C.Senft

4.0 out of 5 stars Positive Discipline....Montessori Education
I found this book to be excellent in making you feel okay to give love instead of harsh punishment. Her concepts for teaching parents/teachers how to help children develop... Read more

Published on Mar 19 2000 by C.Senft

2.0 out of 5 stars Great in theory!
The author must be a saint

Published on Jan 7 2000 by A. Campbell

4.0 out of 5 stars Practical and helpful.
As a mother of four and an avid reader of parenting books - I'd say this is one you can feel good about reading and following the advice. Read more

Published on Jun 4 1999

5.0 out of 5 stars The most incredibly insightful book on parenting I've found!
If you are a parent, this book should definitely be on your list of MUST-READs. The idea focuses on respect, letting kids have control over some of their decisions, letting them... Read more

Published on Feb 7 1999

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