Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids: 7 Keys to Turn Family Conflict into Cooperation [Paperback]

I have followed the principles in this book as well as other NVC books and love the quality of connection I have with my kids (ages 5 and 2). However, now that my older son is in Kindergarten, we're dealing with a huge problem. The teacher has 24 kids in the class and does not have time to negotiate and find a win-win solution with each one. My son is getting in trouble almost every day for not following directions (i.e. clean up when everyone is cleaning up, not on his own schedule)and is starting to feel like a bad kid. Now I feel like we have to re-parent in some ways using a more 'love-and-logic' approach. I never wanted to be the kind of parent who says, "Do it because I said so." But I now realize that kids need to learn to follow the rules so that they themselves can be happier in society. We now do a lot of talking about what a 'team player' does. This is a great book but for me, it's missing the piece about teaching your kids to follow the rules, because that's how school, work and much of society work. It's wonderful for a parent and child to respect each other equally but this needs to be balanced with the idea that kid's individual needs (or anyone's for that matter) often cannot be accommodated. The philosophical conundrum for me is when to be the NVC parent and when to be the parent who says, "If you're a member of this family, this is what we do (i.e. sit down all together for dinner)." I guess the perfect parenting approach is eclectic; borrowing a little from each theory.

When I was finished reading this parenting book my initial reaction was to give it five stars. It is so radically different from any other parenting book I've ever read that I was definitely swept away. In all honesty I have hated every single parenting book I've been unfortunate enough to waste time reading. Most of the advice in them seems disturbingly one-sided. The child is inherently all evil, while the parent is the only one who can "teach him a lesson." A huge over simplification but I hope you can understand my meaning.

In Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids a different idea is brought to light, one in which the children are just as human as the parents and therefore *gasp* just as important. Instead of presenting the parent as a god, the parent is simply a human being entrusted with the care and well-being of a much smaller, less-experienced, but no less important, human being. There is no berating, there are no time-outs, and, most importantly, there are no beatings. All I could say as I put it down after my initial reading was, "Where was this book when I was pregnant with DB1?"

The idea seems to be one of prepared and demonstrative parenting as opposed to the reactionary ideals of more conservative pundits. Parents guide their children into correct behavior rather than brow-beat them in that direction. The parents are human and allowed to make mistakes, which of course they should own up to. As opposed to the "must" of consistency-or-else-failure that I have read in pretty much every conservative parenting book.

Unfortunately, most Christians will never get past the first page (there is a quote by Gloria Steinem on it). If they do somehow buck up and go on, they will find the idea of guiding as opposed to disciplining their child to be somewhat disturbing, among several other non-traditional concepts. There is also an unfortunate story near the end of a family who allowed their son to do whatever he wanted instead of coming to dinner (I definitely disagree with that one).

Any reader who can think will find themselves confused by the authors' apparent hypocrisy when they label behaviors as they did in C. 5. In the first chapter they rail against any labels on any people or behaviors then vainly attempt to claim that calling behaviors either Giraffe or Jackal is not the same thing. I won't tell you which behavior is which, I'm fairly certain you can figure it out for yourself.

On the whole, however, it was refreshing to read authors who actually thought that children had something valuable to contribute to both the family and society.

As I reflected further on my reading I had to downgrade my rating to four stars. Although I would categorize the book as a must-read, I find it lacking in some very important areas.

1) The book does not at all deal with the very real fact that some days your child is simply going to be unreasonable. There seem to be no suggestions offered about what to do with a three-year-old who thinks bed-time is the perfect time to watch a TV show and he's not going to be persuaded otherwise.

2) The authors apparently assume that you will use this method from birth as there are no transitional ideas. I feel these ideas are a must. If you attempt to move from authoritative parenting to this, more open idea, you will have anarchy...I can guarantee it.

3) The final problem I have is one that probably any family with more than one or two children will have with the ideas put forth by not only this book but by NVC in general. If you have a large family you already know it is darned near impossible to keep everyone happy and meet everyone's felt needs. One child "needs" a toy that another child is playing with...you get the drift.

I assume that by continuing to read more books in the NVC library I may come to a suitable solution for these mentioned concerns but I wish that they would have dealt with them in this book since they are pivotal to parenting.

I don't agree with everything put forth in Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids, but it is a good starting point to help parents view their children as the human beings (and therefore worthy of respect) that they are.

I have read about 3 books a month for the last 30 years. Of all my reading, Respectful Parents Respectful Kids is by far the most comprehensive book on the subject. Each page is filled with things that I have said to my four children while raising them that I wish I had said differently. I, like all parents recognize that we make many mistakes and regret things we have said and done in raising our children. If I would have had this book as a primer for raising my children I could have been much more understanding and loving in the way I raised them. My deepest desire is for every parent, grandparent, teacher, child educator, day care employee to read, take in, and live this book. If five percent of those educating our children would come from the consciousness this book speaks to we would have world peace in the next generation of children.

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