Searching for Michael Jackson's Nose: And Other Preoccupations of Our Celebrity-Mad Culture (Paperback)

Acknowledgements xi

Celebrities Are Great! 1

Searching for Michael Jackson’s Nose: Future Newspaper Headlines 23

The Barbara Walters Interview: Barbara Walters 25

What’s on TV Tonight? 26

Star Trek: A Celebrity Itself 28

The Cultural Elitist Channel 33

A Two – Two, ah! ah! ah! – Two-Faced Snake 36

Materiel Girl 40

Ways to Make Hockey More Popular Among Television Viewers in the United States 44

NFL.com Presents: Training Camp Journals 45

The Fin Thing Again 50

What a Croc! 54

The Larry King Interview: E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial 57

Intellectual Property 61

Fabulous! 64

Coming Up During Sweeps Month 83

Celebrity Genitals 87

Shatner! 92

The Reality of Television: Reality Television 97

The Bachelor: Bachelorette Application Form 149

You! Are! Next! 155

Internal Memorandum 158

&$*!#! 164

The School for Aspiring Supermodels 167

Dear Mr. TV Answer Man 170

Ten Signs Your Big New Movie Is Going to

Bomb at the Box OYce 175

What’s on TV Tonight in Hell 176

Film Review 178

The Season of Fawn 182

Simple Ways to Make the Oscars Less Tedious 200

Oscar Bingo 201

How to Write an Oscar Speech 202

The Apology: A One-Act Play 206

A Selection of Movie Artifacts and Memorabilia

Rejected by Planet Hollywood 213

The Fifteen Things I’d Immediately Do

If I Ran American Television 222

A Personal Message to Powerful Hollywood Executives 225