Acknowledgements xi
Celebrities Are Great! 1
Searching for Michael Jackson’s Nose: Future Newspaper Headlines 23
The Barbara Walters Interview: Barbara Walters 25
What’s on TV Tonight? 26
Star Trek: A Celebrity Itself 28
The Cultural Elitist Channel 33
A Two – Two, ah! ah! ah! – Two-Faced Snake 36
Materiel Girl 40
Ways to Make Hockey More Popular Among Television Viewers in the United States 44
NFL.com Presents: Training Camp Journals 45
The Fin Thing Again 50
What a Croc! 54
The Larry King Interview: E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial 57
Intellectual Property 61
Fabulous! 64
Coming Up During Sweeps Month 83
Celebrity Genitals 87
Shatner! 92
The Reality of Television: Reality Television 97
The Bachelor: Bachelorette Application Form 149
You! Are! Next! 155
Internal Memorandum 158
&$*!#! 164
The School for Aspiring Supermodels 167
Dear Mr. TV Answer Man 170
Ten Signs Your Big New Movie Is Going to
Bomb at the Box OYce 175
What’s on TV Tonight in Hell 176
Film Review 178
The Season of Fawn 182
Simple Ways to Make the Oscars Less Tedious 200
Oscar Bingo 201
How to Write an Oscar Speech 202
The Apology: A One-Act Play 206
A Selection of Movie Artifacts and Memorabilia
Rejected by Planet Hollywood 213
The Fifteen Things I’d Immediately Do
If I Ran American Television 222
A Personal Message to Powerful Hollywood Executives 225
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Table of Contents
