Something Inside [Audiobook] [Audio CD]

The TARDIS has taken the Doctor, Charley, and C'rizz right into the middle of another prison: the Cube. It's dark, it's cold, it's creepy, and something horrible is hunting down and killing the prisoners one by one. Perhaps not the most original of stories, but I found it highly atmospheric, with intense performances by all the actors.

The Doctor is soon separated from his companions. He's mysteriously transported out of the prison, with his memories eaten away, and into the custody of Eryk Rawden (the prison warden) and his sidekick Mr. Twyst (the torturer/engineer). Rawden is obsessed with finding out what's happened inside the Cube (all the security cameras have failed) and is convinced that the Doctor knows the truth.

Meanwhile, Charley and C'rizz run around in the Cube, away from the "brain worm", and into two of the surviving prisoners, who provide us with helpful infodumps about the nature of the prison. It's a prison for psychs, psychic soldiers who were created to fight a war, but locked away once the war was over.

Paul McGann has some great scenes in this one. I've always had a soft spot for amnesiac Doctors, and he does it so well that I'll forgive the out-of-character references to Liverpool F.C. vs A.C. Milan in the European Cup final etc. etc.

Took off a star for 1) Rawden doesn't seem to notice that the Doctor is neither human nor one of his original prisoners and never asks where they came from 2) the ending is a bit weak. For example, why a solution that was supposed to work earlier in the episode is now not even considered is never really explained. 3) I'm bored by the C'rizz "oooo...I have a dark and mysterious secret!" side arc. He's just not one of my favorite companions. Kamelion-lite, and Kamelion is up there on the Worst Companions Ever list.

'Something Inside' changed my life. No, really. Before I slipped it into my disc player, I was a completist by nature. I hated having gaps, all too prone to that slightly nerdy tendency towards wholeness, keeping books or CDs I knew I would never read or listen to again, just so I would not have to admit to any lack of thoroughness. Prior to its release, one could still have seen that trio of horrors, 'Ish', 'The Rapture' and 'The Sandman', side by side on my shelves, defying me to make a dent in the perfect vista of CD case edges. 'Medicinal Purposes', 'Creed of the Kromon', 'Dreamtime', 'Scaredy Cat' and 'Pier Pressure', every one a lemon, had all tested my faith but my resolve was unshaken. Nature abhorred a vacuum, gaps remained anathema.

'Something Inside' cured me of all that. For it is so bad, so utterly, irredeemably bad in every way, that no-one who values their dignity as a discriminating individual, able to tell the difference between a tulip and a toilet bowl, should tolerate it in their house for more than a second.

Where to begin? The script (from the same bloke responsible for 'The Dark Flame' and 'The Draconian Rage') is one long cliche from start to finish, with dialogue to make a seven year old cringe. The cast don't even begin to start acting. One was used to having C'rizz stinking the place out every few months but in this monstrosity even Paul McGann is dire, sounding desperate to get it all over with. The support cast are even worse. From what amateur dramatics disaster were they plucked? More to the point, why? It would be unfair to single out any one individual as they are all equally rotten (and 'Something Inside' is well over two hours long. A brain-numbingly torturous two hours.) The sound design lacks any semblance of having been designed at all, each scene sounding for all the world like a succession of cupboards. But the piece de resistance of sheer dreadfulness is the music.

Imagine a rather earnest but not very bright, spotty teenager getting a second-hand synthesiser for his birthday, one that can make noises which sound vaguely orchestral. Imagine that he has been brought up by parents who consider Andrew Lloyd Webber to be high art and After Eight Mints to be the height of decadence. Imagine also that he confuses merely having technology with being able to use it. Now imagine him, tongue poking out of the side of his mouth, playing the white notes with a single finger of his right hand, almost overcome by his own genius, and you might just approximate the unbelievable guff that arises. Oh but there's more. Now imagine that every occurrence in the story, no matter how insignificant, is backed by the same ghastly, childish theme again and again and again and again. When I had the acute displeasure of hearing 'Something Inside', my neighbour came to see if I was okay as I was groaning so loudly, he thought I was dying. I was.

Since being cured of my addiction to completeness, many a Big Finish disc has found its way to a charity shop for some other poor sod to discover. Not 'Something Inside', oh no. That went in the bin.

› Go to Amazon U.S. to see both reviews  2.5 out of 5 stars