The Gaggle: How the Guys You Know Will Help You Find the Love You Want [Hardcover]

Posted on Romancing the BOok's blog
Reviewed by Marissa
Review Copy PRovided by the Publisher

I admit, it was the title that caught my attention. Since I have many men in my life - who I am not romantically involved with - I thought, "Why not read it and find out how all these men can help me?" Not quite how it works though.

Turns out that your Gaggle is made up of men who have the possibility of being romantic interests. There are ten types of men who can end up in your Gaggle, and each of those must appear attractive in one way or another. Not superficially attractive but attractive to you, whether it's because he's intelligent, fun, or a great storyteller.

So. Back to my (lack of a) romantic life. In viewing the possibilities for my Gaggle, I find I have The Super Horny Guy Who Happens to Be Around a Lot, The Guy Who Just Blew You Off, The Unavailable Guy, and The Ex-Boyfriend Who's Still Around. Hmmmm... Not looking too good here. But the beauty of a Gaggle is that by using each of the men in yours, you can increase your Gaggle. For instance, let's say The Guy Who Just Blew You Off brings a friend to your next softball game and you two hit it off. Bingo! The Boyfriend Prospect! Or maybe he's The Hot Sex Prospect. Wherever he falls, you've filled another place in your Gaggle.

And it doesn't stop there. Each member of your Gaggle has the potential to turn into The Boyfriend Prospect. Let's say you have a good connection with your Accessory (he's the guy you call when you need a plus-one for that business dinner or your cousin's wedding). You laugh, commiserate over past loves, you like the way he makes you feel. The Accessory could turn into The Boyfriend Prospect.

What don't I like about The Gaggle? First off, it's geared for something called "the Millennium Generation". The oldest person mentioned in the book was 34; the youngest was 19. (I happen to be 50.) Yes, I know, self-help books are geared toward one faction or another but the advice here is applicable to all age groups, not just young professionals.

Which brings me to number two. All of the interviewees quoted were young professionals. There was not a single waitress, construction worker, barista, or store clerk among them. Not even an office administrator. I found that very biased. Let's face it; we all need advice in the romance department at some time or another.

The basic idea of The Gaggle is to get more men in your life. They may not necessarily be The Boyfriend Potential, but they could introduce you to one. In my day, we called this widening your circle. Now it's a Gaggle. But the advice given seems, to me at least, solid and well founded: Increase your Gaggle and you increase the possibility of finding the right man for you. So now I'm on a Gaggle hunt!

Disclaimer: I would never normally read a book about women and "the end of dating", but my girlfriend forced me to read this when I got upset about some male friends in her life. I had the idea that I'd read the first and last chapters so that I could claim I'd read it, but once I started it I couldn't put it down... which was a bit awkward cause as a straight guy you don't want to be seen on the downtown A train in NYC on the way to work reading a book with the subtitle 'How the Guys You Know Will Help You Find the Love You Want'. I had to eventually put another book cover over it. Anyway: it is such a forehead slapping kind of "why has no one talked about this before?" kind of book. It looks past all the bs of how women try to change themselves so that the "perfect" man will want them, and reorients the whole view and shows how they so clearly have more power over their options, and over the insanity of the whole dating thing, and frankly (since I'm a man, I know) more power in the face of a lot of clueless guys who think they own the world and get to make all the choices, and determine what is attractive and what is not. It reminded me a little of the Japanese martial art of Aikido which I studied a couple years ago, which teaches you not so much to fight (like kung fu or karate) but to use the power of your opponents and merely channel it to your advantage. This really talks about what women face now, and I have to say, I was very impressed by the insights it delivers by way of interviews with real people, and case studies, and the advice it gives. If I had a little sister, I'd buy this and give it to her immediately.

In the last few months, I've heard more about the sex lives of twenty-something girls than I ever have in my life. And as a proud gay best friend to a number of NYC twenty-somethings, that's really saying something. Books, magazine articles, blog posts, HBO's "Girls", endless interviews of people related to HBO's "Girls", it's been all young women, sex, and millennial romance, all the time. No escape.

And out of that whole flood of commentary, the Gaggle is the only thing I've really liked, and the only one that rings true.

Rather than bemoan the change of social mores, or advocate manipulative "solutions", or depict young women as sad-sack messes lurching from one mistake to the next, Massa gives us real women, in common yet hilarious situations, who have made their peace with contemporary (non)-dating life and are having a ball. Instead of depicting romance as some separate universe, far removed from the venues where young women kick ass and take names on a daily basis (work, school, the kickball field), she shows us, with deft, funny, and often painfully relatable anecdotes, that romantic potential is an integral part of everyday life. The men in a girl's gaggle - the men with whom she shares some degree of romantic potential, often in very different ways - are all around her, at her office, on her team, at her friends' parties, and she doesn't need to wait around for some quasi-mystical "one," but have fun and make the most of what she has. The Gaggle doesn't advocate some radical life change, but instead gives a girl (or guy) the tools to make sense of what is already happening, and how best to enjoy it.

An actual voice for this generation - sorry Lena Dunham - Massa has written a tremendously funny, accurate, and most of all optimistic guide to making the most of your love life. We might not have all the answers, it tells us, but we're coming up with new ones all the time.