The Gift of Fear [Mass Market Paperback]

THE GIFT OF FEAR: AND OTHER SURVIVAL SIGNALS THAT PROTECT US FROM VIOLENCE by Gavin de Becker is a helpful, engaging quick read (it's a trade paperback of around 380 pages). His premise is that fear is a means of survival and that if we listen to it and follow it, we can save our own and others' lives; however, for various reasons, we often discount our intuition about danger or we don't listen to our fear and put ourselves unnecessarily at risk.

The book begins with a "true crime" story about Kelly, a woman who was raped in her apartment by a man she met in her stairwell who offered to carry the groceries she had dropped up to her apartment. De Becker parses the incident and categorizes the methods the attacker employed to get her to do what he wanted and put herself under his control, and this section is very enlightening. But the main theme of this first chapter and the book is that men and women should follow their intuition -- intuition isn't some flighty, sixth sense; it's a call to action when your brain has become aware of many small signs that something isn't right, even if, at that moment, you cannot articulate exactly what is wrong.

This book is not a self-defense or how-to guide, but rather makes a case for intuition and believing in oneself when one senses danger or feels fear, and the best reading in it, I think, is the examples de Becker explicates from his many years in the security and risk-assessment business (he also lived through an exceedingly violent and abusive childhood). The chapters address being in the presence of danger, how intuition works and functions, the science of violence predictors, survival signals, violent crime from strangers, high-stakes predictions, understanding threats to kill, dealing with too-persistent people, violence in the workplace, domestic violence, dating abuses and violence, violent children, public figure attacks and pursuits and extreme cases.

I found several things particularly interesting and engaging about this book. First, de Becker states emphatically throughout the work that violence is predictable, and that no one ever "just snaps" or is just an inexplicably bad person. Second, his predictor of violence is a useful tool -- and I would think may be applicable in other assessment situations -- to make informed judgments on risk. Third, I got a great deal personally out of his comparisons of worry and anxiety with fear in which he suggest that the first two are destructive and distracting (and may prevent someone from spotting real danger signs), but that fear is what has saved many, many lives and could save your own. Fourth, his writing on people who are too persistent is very interesting, and he shows how people's attempts to deal with stalkers is often just going to keep the situation alive.

Finally, the chapter on domestic violence was absolutely fascinating, primarily because this is a man who deals in truth and reality, not romance and excuses. He states that when assessing relationships, women often make judgments based on potential rather than on the present situation, which causes them to ignore warning signs and predictive incidents. He also says that he is in the business of safety, not justice, and that because of that he isn't a supporter of restraining orders in all cases because in some, they aggravate the offender more and can actually be a precipitating incident toward murder or its attempt.

Toward the beginning of the book, de Becker writes about how men don't really understand the risk under which women constantly live, but that for women personal safety is a constant consideration. He writes, "Men are worried that women will laugh at them. Women are worried that men will kill them." I learned a lot about listening to intuition, choosing not to worry and living safely.

I recommend this book, especially to women.

From the age of 12 or so, ALL women begin to experience unwanted and often times threatening attention from the opposite sex.
-I've caught my friend's step father watching me undress (I listened to my intuition, turned around before I changed and saw him standing in the doorway in his underwear)
-Perverts particularly hang around middle schools when the school day is over, I've been flashed, seen men do things that are too explicit to recount here. (I was 12 and 13 yrs old)
-I've had countless men demand that I get into their car, I've been followed in stores and down the street by strangers.
-I've been grabbed and manhandled in crowded clubs or at concerts and couldn't identify who had done it because my immediate area was so crowded.
The terrifying thing about these situations I've just illustrated is that I could walk up to any woman on the street and she could tell me similar stories. One of the most important things I learned from this book were the specific methods used by attackers to convince a woman to let them into their house, give them a ride, etc. Now that I know the methods, I recall that many of them have been used on me. This is frightening because I know there are girls and women out there who find it difficult to say no to a man, are too trusting, easily charmed, or quick to rationalize their intuition. I say EVERY woman should read this book! I particularly believe that teenage girls should not only read it, but commit it to memory. It really could save your life, and offers insight into HOW these predators lure and persuade their marks. Once you know the methodology of these creeps, you can spot them blindfolded.
Also equally as important were the other topics covered, such as how to deal with a stalker (also extremely important information for all women-we've all dealt with exes who wouldn't let go, or persistent suitors who won't take no for an answer)
It is unfortunate that women are treated as prey but it is a hard reality. All women should be equipped to deal with potentially violent or threatening circumstances. We are victims only if we fail to educate ourselves. Read this book to garner that education! I think you should, my intuition tells me so.

That's the central message of the book, and one that may save your life if you listen to it.

Through this book, de Becker has convinced me that most violence can be predicted. He goes through a great many common situations in which violence happens, from encounters with strangers, workplace violence to domestic violence and date stalking. In each situation, he describes the indicators of likely violence. Some of these indicators are so often overlooked and rationalized away by the people involved. My favorite one is called: "Refusal to take no for an answer." It can be as trivial as the new date persisting in offering you a drink. Although trivial, such incidents are very telling about his tendency toward violence.

De Becker also discusses a characteristic in many people that blunts out their intuition to actual dangers: unwarranted anxiety. Due to media and social conditioning and other influences, those people feel fear or anxiety in situations that do not pose actual dangers. Such unwarranted anxiety makes them confused and oblivious to the real signals from their intuition. De Becker offers ways for people to overcome that curse and live a life relatively free from fear and anxiety.

In short, I would highly recommend this book. It is one of the few books should be read by everyone (both men and women).